I've picked up the phone to call. I've started to write texts that I have told myself not to send. I have searched for anyone on Facebook that I think might have some information ... and I have turned the computer off.
This is all so beyond my control and I have to tell myself that every, single, day.
It was 3 months this week since I have heard from you. I saw that day coming on the calendar and thought no, I will hear from her before then ... but nothing. Just like when I sent all those messages, every single day hoping to awaken a memory in you or spark something, but nothing. Just like when your little sisters birthday came and went. I was sure that I would hear from you because every year you surprise me and remember her special day ... nothing. I checked with your mom and thought maybe she had heard from you and hadn't let me know yet, but I was wrong.
I saw this whole scenario coming but I kept telling myself that this was not going to happen again. Things were going well between us. We saw you, we spent time with you, we took a picture of all 4 kids for the first time in 4 years. I look at that image now and I know that it was, like everything else, part of a plan. It wasn't the amazing new start that I'd hoped it was, it was just another piece to our puzzle. Another memory to add to our bank. I am thankful that I have those images, but I can't look at them right now.
I am angry. I'm angry that addiction tears families apart. I am angry that you are in a toxic relationship. I am angry that you won't let us help you. I am angry that you think this is a healthy way to live.
Im angry that addiction is manipulative and it lies and that it has fooled family members into believing you are "OK" when we know without a single doubt that you are not. I can't make them acknowledge that though.
I am also angry at myself. I know that nobody chose this, and that anger will not help anyone. Not us, and not you, and I know that. I know that my anger is really sadness and helplessness but if I call it anger I feel tougher about it. I'm afraid that if I look at it for what it is, it will just be a place I can't go to again.
As long as you continue down this path I have to hide all of this away, in a spot in the very back of my mind. I can't let it take over because then addiction wins and that just won't happen.
So rather then text you again, or try to contact someone who might know SOMEthing ... I choose this. It helps me in a tiny way by letting it out, and maybe it will help someone else who will stumble upon it someday. It has happened for me in the past and I know that even though we don't hear about it, we are not the only ones in this position.
The fact that I am a worrier makes me think years down the road and what this will do to you brothers and your sister. It's not your fault that my mind goes there, but I do wish that it all meant something to you. I wish that being a big sister to them was enough for you. I wish that something inside of you would turn back on and bring you home, or at least back to our lives, but I have accepted that that may never happen.
For now, for the last 3 months, and for the sake of choosing to be a good mother to the other 3, I will just pray that you are safe, that you are alive, and that somewhere inside you still know that you are loved unconditionally ... even if sometimes we are angry.
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