3 Years Later ...

3 Years ago my Daddy walked his Little Girl down an aisle and agreed to "share" me with the new man in my life. We spoke these words to each other and they are more true now than I could have ever imagined ...

On this day and in the presence of God I give to you this sacred  
promise. I promise to be myself with you, to share all of my  
sentiments, dreams, goals, fears, hopes and worries. 

I promise to want  the best for you, to wish for your success and to hope for the  

fulfillment of all your endeavours. I promise to be honest with you and  

pledge my loyalty and faithfulness to you. To cherish your friendship,  
adore your personality, respect your values and love you for who you  
are. I promise to believe in our relationship and to stand by it  
through the toughest of times. To have faith in our strength as a  
couple and to never give up on us, and I promise to spend the rest of  
my life with you as your best friend.

Happy 3rd Anniversary Lane, I love you with all of my heart and with all that I have.

my life ... in 7 days.

This is what it looks like starting one week ago

Wednesday night - rather than keep this evening free I decide to squeeze in a Family/Newborn session in my studio. Adorably sweet ... but the packing for the road trip the next day is not going to get itself done. It will have to wait too because one of my besties is here from the Island and we NEED to visit ... until midnight.

Thursday Morning - Wake up and remember that I was supposed to get some work done the night before and did not. Wake up extra early to put in an hour in my office before the kids wake up, except Keegan wakes up anyway! Get little kids ready, this WOULD be the one day that Karleigh sleeps in. Take them over to Grammas house. As Im walking out the door Karleigh says "Mama you packed my ballet bag right?" ... wrong. Ok, let me go get gas, run back to the house and I will drop it off on our way out of town. Go home, grab the bag, add a few extra diapers for Keegan incase who KNOWS what might happen on our trip that would keep us away for any extra time and we are on our way!
Thursday Afternoon - drive drive drive, drop Lane off at the dealership to pick up my new car (can I just say I LOVE it!!) and Tristan and I head in another direction to go and see Logan. She knows that we are coming, but does not know that Lane is. We pick up dinner for ... a lot of people, and head over! Its amazing, its encouraging, it almost doesnt seem real. We listen to her tell us about the things that she is working through, processing, its beyond words! Lane shows up and holy goodness ... the photo below will describe this moment better than I ever could. We take her out for a while and return her safe and sound and begin our trip back home. Drive ... drive, and drive some more.

Friday morning - arrive home at 1am. Sleep for a few hours and pick up the littles by 8 so that I can get them ready (again) and get KL ready for dance camp and there by 10. Drop her off, come home and meet a great friend at my house for some baby shower planning! Talk, talk, talk ... til 11:45 and then I leave to get Karleigh.
Friday afternoon ... get Tristan to work, laugh at the idea of even cooking dinner and to be very honest I can't even tell you what we ate that night ... hmmmm, nope, no idea.
Friday night ... April Martin you have a workshop to teach ... TOMORROW!! Head out to get supplies (notebooks and yummy treats, it is all women after all!) and fit in a quick coffee with my mother in law to give her the update on Logan, which I am VERY happy to give since its such positive news. Come home, grab my folder for my workshop and attempt to review before bed, spill glass of wine all over papers and decide that its just time to go to bed. I've done this workshop before, I'm good at it ... nothing to worry about :)

Saturday - workshop 10-2 ... and why not throw a Family Session in at 3pm just for good measure right? Come home, have wonderful friends over for a bbq and I think I might have even relaxed this night ... but thats debatable.

Sunday - THIS morning I definitely relaxed ... I think. Photographed a beautiful Wedding in the afternoon, arrived late to a little friends birthday party due to work and LEFT early due to my crazy 2 year old who thought it was ok to throw a fit the size of my new truck and me? I thought otherwise. I dragged him out of there, left Lane to bring Karleigh home and as soon as we got in the car all I heard the whole way home was ... "Hi Mum. I love you Mum. Hi Mum." aaaaaggggghhhhhhhh!

Monday - Keegan Reid gymnastics Day 1. Oh Lord. I'm not sure what I was thinking. He loved it, however did not listen. This was ok, he had fun, nobody got hurt and by 9:45 I was pretty much ready for a nap, although I don't remember the last time I actually had one of those. Pick up snack for the kids and head up to Gramma B's house so that I can drop them off and go check out Wedding Venues with another Bestie. I feel like my day is going well, and then my sweet stepson calls. Can I pick him up, yes but it will need to be soon since Keegan needs to nap and if he falls asleep in the car I will miss my window. Can you take me to another friends house? Fine, but again ... what I said before. Can we stop at home so I can brush my teeth? Are you kidding me?? BAH! Fine ... yes ... but why is the concept of bringing your overnight things to a SLEEP-OVER such a tough thing to grasp?? At this point, leaving the Wedding site, smoke coming out of my ears ... I am SO thankful that Lane offers to do the picking up, brush teeth and re-drop off duties. Why? Oh yes, that baby shower? Its tonight!! Eek!! Pick up kids, get home, Keegan naps (do you hear the angels singing???) and I prepare for the evenings event :) Good food, cute babies, great friends ... it all went perfectly! Monday night ... me ... sleep.

Tuesday - Keegan Reid gymnastis day 2. He's not so excited about it today. Its a car themed day and everytime he hears someone say car he runs to me and says "ok??" because he wants to go home. We leave the class about 10 minutes early at his request. At this point why not have a play date right?? So I have 2 girlfriends and 4 additional kids over :) So crazy but so fun and I love my friends too much, even when we have a bunch of crazies running around us I am so thankful that I have them. By about 12:30 its very evident that all of these kids needs naps or at least quiet times so things quiet down, company disperses and eventually its just me. Who am I kidding, its never JUST me ... but maybe I was in the bathroom or something, in there its just me, well, sometimes. I take a breath, and realize that I need to leave in an hour to get Tristan to work. Drop him off, come home, make dinner, Logan calls. YAY! First day that she's been able to phone and its so good to hear her voice. Get a quick update from her, all is well, say our "love you's" and that's that. 2 minutes later, the facility calls with another update, still all good but just filling me in. Meanwhile I see Keegan streaking through the hallway and down the stairs, apparently he is out of his bath. Finish up on the phone, get some clothes on my little nudist and then head off for a late birthday celebration because my life got in the way of her REAL birthday. (you're welcome for the best Veggie Burger in town xo) Get home with time to visit with my husband for a bit, and instead realize that its been a long week (a long month if I'm being really honest) and we are just not on the same page at that moment, so I head to bed. Loving him, him loving me ... but not in chatty moods. Meh ... what am I gonna do.

Weds Morning - gymnastics = SUCCESS!! yay! He has fun, and again I feel like I have my whole day planned out properly. Then another text, seems that the kid that I THOUGHT was at home, is not. Drop Karleigh off at a friends house because its not her fault that she's part of a crazy family, take Keegan home, wait for house cleaners to arrive (its not as glamorous as it sounds ... get over it) do a walk through with them and then pack Keeg up again to start the next part of our day. Starbucks ... thank GOD for Starbucks! Take Keegan to the park in a half attempt to be a good mom for 15 minutes before our next chore. Sit down, watch him on the slide and remember that today is Logans 30th day :) Call florist (keep one eye on Keegan) order a delivery for her (still watching him) give her all the info including all the siblings names and spelling. Hang up and realize its time to go get Tristan now. Convince Keegan that it will be really fun and that we're going to see "T" ... he decides to believe me and we are off! Pick up Trist, take him to work, pick up Karleigh, go home, put Keegan down for a nap, realize that Karleigh is getting a nasty cold, send her for a nap also and then .... nothing. ahhhhhhhhh.
Keegan wakes up, we play in the yard, go in the pool, he snuggles me on the blanket on the grass and I don't even care that he's getting red popsicle all over me ... at that moment, life is perfect. Fast forward, make dinner, head off to another shoot in the studio, get gas and almost choke at how much it costs to fill this new beast! pick up Tristan from work and come home. Sneak into Karleighs room to give her some medicine, sit for a minute ... hear Keegan, get him out of my closet??? I know ... and get him back to bed.

That brings me to now ... many times this week I have thought about making my facebook status read something like "If you are not my child or my husband ... don't ask me for anything" but then there were times when I thought "even if you are my child or my husband, don't ask me for anything" and then my heart started to work again and I realized that I love people, even though my dads saying of "I hate everybody" has really made a lot of sense to me this week. I'm tired, as I told Tristan today. Not "sick" and tired, just literally tired from life right now. I know some people have it worse, or more busy, and that's fine. It won't make me feel better for someone to tell me that their life is busier ... sometimes my life, my husband and my 4 (3 at home) kids are enough busy for me ... enough so that its tiring, whether I love it or not.

I'd love to tell you that this post has a point but it doesnt ... I don't think. Its just another look into my life. If you're still reading, there must be a reason.

Enjoy these photos ... I love these people. Before there were the littles in our lives it was these 3 that I fell in love with first.

it's all worth it

I'm driving my 15 year old (when did he GET that old!) to a friends house the other night and we are talking about his older sister. I'm telling him how great she is doing, that she is so willing to get better, no matter what that looks like and so excited about God and how he will work with her through all of this. As the conversation continues I become very aware of the reality that is taking place. Yes, things are going very well right now. Yes, things that we NEVER thought possible are happening at this very moment and it is nothing short of a miracle, or at least this is how it feels for our family and others who have been down this road I am sure. However, I have to be real with myself and know that just as quickly as this happened, it could change back. I have to remind myself that this is a long road and the hard part is not necessarily over ... not yet.
I tried to explain to Tristan that it's sort of like when your toddler drives you crazy all day long (and he lives with my 2 year old so he gets this analogy) but at night they are so sweet and angelic that it makes up for anything that happened that day.
When someone you love is in a dark place and then decides to accept help, when you can see them turning back into the person that they once were ... it almost makes up for the 4 and a half years of pain. Pain that was felt through the whole family, moms, dads, siblings, everyone and none more than the person themselves.

As a good parent thats all we want, thats all we can hope for - that one day they will see what we see so clearly.

There will be bad days, no doubt. Knowing though, that when there is a bad day, or maybe a terrible day, that she is surrounded by support and people who care, that makes it all worth it.

As a parent when you have to accept the fact that YOU can't help your child, that stings like nothing else. When you've admitted to yourself that holding their hand through this won't cut it this time, you are then eternally grateful for the Angels that come along and CAN help. People who have made this their life, who love your family almost as much as you do. It's hard to believe that these people truly exist but I assure you they do, and THEY make it all worth it.

I don't share these stories for any other reason than this ...

Throughout the last 4 years I have come across other brave parents, family members, even friends who have walked this road. They were not afraid or embarrassed to tell their stories and in doing so they helped me more than I could ever express. If by sharing MY families stories I can help or encourage even one person ... all of the hard days, all of the "why don't you keep that private?" ... it will all be worth it.

all in his time ...

I discovered a blog about 6 weeks ago called Mom vs Heroin.

I stumbled upon the very first entry somehow and read this story that sounded SO much like our own daughters journey. I then jumped right to the most recent post which started off "my Daughter is a strong woman" and I immediately started to cry. This Mom explained how well her Daughter was now doing and on the road to recovery. I was so happy for this stranger and yet so jealous of her at the same time, thinking inside to myself that after the last 4 years I might never get to say those words and hardly even believing that some people DO get that chance.

After reading this Moms Blog I could not stop thinking about it - the ages were almost exactly the same, the stories, the sadness, everything. I kept dreaming about a day where maybe I could be the one to write "my daughter is a strong woman" and then a few phone calls would come from her, the blood pressure rising again and that dream would slowly start to fade away.

There is a point where enough is enough. If you are lucky enough (and not everyone is) someone will hear your cries when you are at this point. If you let him, God will move things SO quickly for you so that you can be safe. He will walk someone through a locked door and hold it open when your help is on the other side trying to get in. He will make room in a safe place for you even though just hours before it was apparently "full". He will bring love to your doorstep rather than anger because he knows that THAT didn't work last time. He will find a safe place for someone that you care about too if thats what it takes because he can do that. He will whisper to you that it's ok, and that YOU can do this.

I really wondered if the day would ever come. Today though, I can tell you ... our Daughter is a strong woman. *our, all of us, she claims us all as her parents and I will gladly accept that*

Will she be ok tomorrow? I don't know that. I do know however, that she has been ok for the past 4 days and THAT is nothing short of a miracle.

On Monday she was so brave, she took a step toward a new life and she did it all with God and with her own strength and courage.

Like anything else this story does and will continue to have its ups and downs, and thats ok. The only thing that matters is that she is safe. It doesn't matter who was there, it just matters that they WERE. It doesn't matter who was NOT there, if that was meant to be then it would have been. There are rules that need to be followed and wishes that need to be respected and that is ok, it has to be for now. I am filled with gratitude that I was able to witness it even though some parts were incredibly hard to see, but I didn't do anything ... she did it all and nothing was harder than the choice that she made that day.

It was a perfect example of everything working in HIS time, not ours. A very real reminder that the best laid plans go awry.

This is what counts ... for me.

I sit here watching her and she doesn't even know it. She's eating her lunch at the kitchen counter and I am on the rocker glider that I have just recently moved into the living room because I just can't part with it even though my babies no longer need me to put them to sleep in it. Its familiar, and comforting.

She lets out a burp and says excuse me, but in true Karleigh fashion she sings the words "excuuuuuseeee meeee" even though shes unaware that anyone is listening, thats Karleigh.

She sees that I am here and walks over to me, I tell her before she reaches me, "just give me a minute sweetie" she tells me "I'm just wondering what yer doin" and I look at her, with her princess dress up clothes on, a tiara in her hair and her blue/green sundress hanging out the side because she didn't quite get it tucked in ... and love her just a tiny bit more than I did even a minute ago. I tell her I'm writing a quick blog, she walks over to the toy box, pulls out her leapfrog laptop and 5 seconds later I hear it say to her "new blog entry!" she's so smart ...

Sometimes my days are so full, others feel like they drag ... and lately, when I think about my baby starting Kindergarten in 3 months I wonder if I have done things right over the last 5 years as an at home mom. Have I played enough with them? Fed them all the right things? Do they know how much I love them?

They grow up so fast. I remember the first time that I said that out loud as a mom, I felt like I aged 10 years right then and there. It's so true though, they change before your eyes and one day you realize that even though you've been around for every single moment you're not sure when it all happened. I know exactly when they both took their first steps, I have photographed every memory possible but there are still parts that have been lost. A very real reminder that none of us are perfect, reassuring yet sad at the same time.

If I look at her just the right way I can see the tiny little face that looked up at me, minutes old and to whom I said "hi Karleigh ... I'm your mama" and those are the memories that count, for me. Those are the memories that I will hold onto forever. When one day I don't know what they are doing at every waking moment, I will remember those times, the ones I spent with them in this chair, and I will never forget them.

Dear 21 Year Old Me

Dear 21 Year Old Me,

The guy that you just described to your parents, the one who is 31 and is a single dad with 2 kids (one of whom is closer to your age than he is) - he's a keeper.

The relationship that you just got out of that at times was so great and other times was so bad, you'll get over it, and you'll also realize that those bad times helped to shape a good portion of your life from there forward.

When she asks to help make dinner with you just let her, even if you feel like being alone at that stage of the day. In a couple of years she won't live with you and in a couple more after that you will wish that she did again.

When he drives you bonkers because he's so much like his dad and you just want him to be his own person, don't worry. He just thinks that his dad is the coolest, but in a few years he will change, become his own wonderful identity and you will wonder where that little guy went.

Right now it seems impossible. You may never understand how someone can live without their kids, and thats ok, you don't ever need to know. You might not agree with some of the things that have happened, and thats ok too, it wasn't your life and judging won't help anyone. Over the next 6 years though you will develop a soft spot in your heart for his ex-wife. You will realize one day that it's just there, no matter how much hurt has gone on between you or how you feel sometimes, it's so much better that way. You're no good at being unkind, let's be honest.

He will propose, you won't be the stepmom/mom with the partner whose divorce will never be finalized forever. Just be patient, I know that's not always your best quality but I promise it will be perfect.

When he dreams big, let him. He's a little quirky but he has amazing ideas and you will watch his dreams become reality and be so proud of him and so proud to be his wife.

In a few short months you will find out that you are pregnant, first you will learn never to take a test at work again but besides that you will be excited, after all this IS what you've always wanted. You will also be scared, don't be ... it will be just fine and SHE will be beautiful.

You will tell the other 2 that they are going to have a baby brother or sister. It will be a perfect moment, they will be excited - but you won't know for a few years how truly special it is for your babies to have these siblings. Big brother will be there for every milestone, every birthday, boo boo and tantrum and they will love him. Big sister however will miss a lot of this, enjoy the first few months with 2 daughters in the house and hold them close to your heart. Take lots of pictures and don't let them forget.

Keep dreaming about a Fairy Tale Wedding because my dear in about 3 years you will have it.

You will get to enjoy the "lets try to have a baby" moment that others experience, but it will be brief. The sweetest little man will pop into your life before you plan it - and he too will be beautiful.

Your children will have the 4 best Grandparents in the whole world.

At 23 you will find God, and the words 'beauty' 'grace' and 'faith' will take on entirely new meanings. wow.

Finally, 21 Year Old Me - at 27 you will look back at the last 6 years and wonder where they went, how you crammed so much into them and struggle to hang on to every single important moment even though you know that this is impossible but because that is what YOU do. Just enjoy all of the moments from here forward, know that you are one lucky lady and your life is so very full. Be thankful and whenever you can, help others to do the same.

You'll do great.

xxoo

I wish ... Wonder ... and am Thankful. But it still hurts.

I wish that I could always be as patient as I am with you. All of the kids deserve that, but instead I am pretty much spent after our conversations.

I wish that you could remember how beautiful you are.

I wish that you gave yourself credit, and had faith in yourself if nothing else.

I wish that I could believe everything that you say, the heart in me wants to but the gut tells me thats not a good idea.

I wish that you could see your Dad because sometimes I think you might know him even better than I do. When you are away its easy to pretend that he doesn't care, but if you were here that thought wouldn't even be an option.

I wish that sending you the money that you ask for would really make things better, if it could I would find millions and walk all the way just to give it to you, but it won't.

I wish that you knew your sister. You loved her before she was born and you held her when she was tiny, these days she refers to someone else as her "big sister" and I don't even have the strength to correct her because part of me feels that she is better off that way.

I wish that you knew your littlest brother - he has gorgeous blue eyes and he's so adorable. He thinks his big sister is something pretty special but if he knew he even had another big sister he would love you just the same.

I wish that I could make you understand that it hurts just to talk to you, but it lets me know that you are surviving and so I pick up the phone for my own piece of mind if not for any other reason. Maybe that's selfish ...

I wonder, when the first thing out of your mouth is "I don't have anyone" if you realize that you've just picked up the phone and reached out to me. You must know deep down that you have a huge family including parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins who love you ... what part of you allows that to be ignored?

I wish that you could see how great your other brother is, and be proud of him. He looked up to you once upon a time I think and now he is on his own, a shining example for the other 2.

I wish that you understood that if I could help you I would. We can provide a lot, but we cannot provide the kind of help that you need and that breaks my heart.

I wish that I did more when I could, but I have accepted that this was not because of us - that doesn't make it hurt any less though or take the sad parts away. It only reminds me of the long process that families go through in these times.

I told you today to only worry about the things that you can control - I wonder if you knew how much I was doing the same thing at that very moment.

I'm thankful for the strength to not break down and cry right along with you - but please don't think that I don't cry, I'm doing it right now.

I told you today that you are beautiful, and smart, and strong and that you can get better ... I just wish that you believed that as much as I do.

I wish that you could see that now is the time ... you literally have nothing ... to lose and everything to gain.

Isn't is weird how we write these things, knowing that the person will likely never read them? Yet its therapeutic all the same??

See? I guess we all need some sort of therapy at some point. It just looks and sounds different for everyone.