I discovered a blog about 6 weeks ago called Mom vs Heroin.
I stumbled upon the very first entry somehow and read this story that sounded SO much like our own daughters journey. I then jumped right to the most recent post which started off "my Daughter is a strong woman" and I immediately started to cry. This Mom explained how well her Daughter was now doing and on the road to recovery. I was so happy for this stranger and yet so jealous of her at the same time, thinking inside to myself that after the last 4 years I might never get to say those words and hardly even believing that some people DO get that chance.
After reading this Moms Blog I could not stop thinking about it - the ages were almost exactly the same, the stories, the sadness, everything. I kept dreaming about a day where maybe I could be the one to write "my daughter is a strong woman" and then a few phone calls would come from her, the blood pressure rising again and that dream would slowly start to fade away.
There is a point where enough is enough. If you are lucky enough (and not everyone is) someone will hear your cries when you are at this point. If you let him, God will move things SO quickly for you so that you can be safe. He will walk someone through a locked door and hold it open when your help is on the other side trying to get in. He will make room in a safe place for you even though just hours before it was apparently "full". He will bring love to your doorstep rather than anger because he knows that THAT didn't work last time. He will find a safe place for someone that you care about too if thats what it takes because he can do that. He will whisper to you that it's ok, and that YOU can do this.
I really wondered if the day would ever come. Today though, I can tell you ... our Daughter is a strong woman. *our, all of us, she claims us all as her parents and I will gladly accept that*
Will she be ok tomorrow? I don't know that. I do know however, that she has been ok for the past 4 days and THAT is nothing short of a miracle.
On Monday she was so brave, she took a step toward a new life and she did it all with God and with her own strength and courage.
Like anything else this story does and will continue to have its ups and downs, and thats ok. The only thing that matters is that she is safe. It doesn't matter who was there, it just matters that they WERE. It doesn't matter who was NOT there, if that was meant to be then it would have been. There are rules that need to be followed and wishes that need to be respected and that is ok, it has to be for now. I am filled with gratitude that I was able to witness it even though some parts were incredibly hard to see, but I didn't do anything ... she did it all and nothing was harder than the choice that she made that day.
It was a perfect example of everything working in HIS time, not ours. A very real reminder that the best laid plans go awry.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
This is what counts ... for me.
I sit here watching her and she doesn't even know it. She's eating her lunch at the kitchen counter and I am on the rocker glider that I have just recently moved into the living room because I just can't part with it even though my babies no longer need me to put them to sleep in it. Its familiar, and comforting.
She lets out a burp and says excuse me, but in true Karleigh fashion she sings the words "excuuuuuseeee meeee" even though shes unaware that anyone is listening, thats Karleigh.
She sees that I am here and walks over to me, I tell her before she reaches me, "just give me a minute sweetie" she tells me "I'm just wondering what yer doin" and I look at her, with her princess dress up clothes on, a tiara in her hair and her blue/green sundress hanging out the side because she didn't quite get it tucked in ... and love her just a tiny bit more than I did even a minute ago. I tell her I'm writing a quick blog, she walks over to the toy box, pulls out her leapfrog laptop and 5 seconds later I hear it say to her "new blog entry!" she's so smart ...
Sometimes my days are so full, others feel like they drag ... and lately, when I think about my baby starting Kindergarten in 3 months I wonder if I have done things right over the last 5 years as an at home mom. Have I played enough with them? Fed them all the right things? Do they know how much I love them?
They grow up so fast. I remember the first time that I said that out loud as a mom, I felt like I aged 10 years right then and there. It's so true though, they change before your eyes and one day you realize that even though you've been around for every single moment you're not sure when it all happened. I know exactly when they both took their first steps, I have photographed every memory possible but there are still parts that have been lost. A very real reminder that none of us are perfect, reassuring yet sad at the same time.
If I look at her just the right way I can see the tiny little face that looked up at me, minutes old and to whom I said "hi Karleigh ... I'm your mama" and those are the memories that count, for me. Those are the memories that I will hold onto forever. When one day I don't know what they are doing at every waking moment, I will remember those times, the ones I spent with them in this chair, and I will never forget them.
She lets out a burp and says excuse me, but in true Karleigh fashion she sings the words "excuuuuuseeee meeee" even though shes unaware that anyone is listening, thats Karleigh.
She sees that I am here and walks over to me, I tell her before she reaches me, "just give me a minute sweetie" she tells me "I'm just wondering what yer doin" and I look at her, with her princess dress up clothes on, a tiara in her hair and her blue/green sundress hanging out the side because she didn't quite get it tucked in ... and love her just a tiny bit more than I did even a minute ago. I tell her I'm writing a quick blog, she walks over to the toy box, pulls out her leapfrog laptop and 5 seconds later I hear it say to her "new blog entry!" she's so smart ...
Sometimes my days are so full, others feel like they drag ... and lately, when I think about my baby starting Kindergarten in 3 months I wonder if I have done things right over the last 5 years as an at home mom. Have I played enough with them? Fed them all the right things? Do they know how much I love them?
They grow up so fast. I remember the first time that I said that out loud as a mom, I felt like I aged 10 years right then and there. It's so true though, they change before your eyes and one day you realize that even though you've been around for every single moment you're not sure when it all happened. I know exactly when they both took their first steps, I have photographed every memory possible but there are still parts that have been lost. A very real reminder that none of us are perfect, reassuring yet sad at the same time.
If I look at her just the right way I can see the tiny little face that looked up at me, minutes old and to whom I said "hi Karleigh ... I'm your mama" and those are the memories that count, for me. Those are the memories that I will hold onto forever. When one day I don't know what they are doing at every waking moment, I will remember those times, the ones I spent with them in this chair, and I will never forget them.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Dear 21 Year Old Me
Dear 21 Year Old Me,
The guy that you just described to your parents, the one who is 31 and is a single dad with 2 kids (one of whom is closer to your age than he is) - he's a keeper.
The relationship that you just got out of that at times was so great and other times was so bad, you'll get over it, and you'll also realize that those bad times helped to shape a good portion of your life from there forward.
When she asks to help make dinner with you just let her, even if you feel like being alone at that stage of the day. In a couple of years she won't live with you and in a couple more after that you will wish that she did again.
When he drives you bonkers because he's so much like his dad and you just want him to be his own person, don't worry. He just thinks that his dad is the coolest, but in a few years he will change, become his own wonderful identity and you will wonder where that little guy went.
Right now it seems impossible. You may never understand how someone can live without their kids, and thats ok, you don't ever need to know. You might not agree with some of the things that have happened, and thats ok too, it wasn't your life and judging won't help anyone. Over the next 6 years though you will develop a soft spot in your heart for his ex-wife. You will realize one day that it's just there, no matter how much hurt has gone on between you or how you feel sometimes, it's so much better that way. You're no good at being unkind, let's be honest.
He will propose, you won't be the stepmom/mom with the partner whose divorce will never be finalized forever. Just be patient, I know that's not always your best quality but I promise it will be perfect.
When he dreams big, let him. He's a little quirky but he has amazing ideas and you will watch his dreams become reality and be so proud of him and so proud to be his wife.
In a few short months you will find out that you are pregnant, first you will learn never to take a test at work again but besides that you will be excited, after all this IS what you've always wanted. You will also be scared, don't be ... it will be just fine and SHE will be beautiful.
You will tell the other 2 that they are going to have a baby brother or sister. It will be a perfect moment, they will be excited - but you won't know for a few years how truly special it is for your babies to have these siblings. Big brother will be there for every milestone, every birthday, boo boo and tantrum and they will love him. Big sister however will miss a lot of this, enjoy the first few months with 2 daughters in the house and hold them close to your heart. Take lots of pictures and don't let them forget.
Keep dreaming about a Fairy Tale Wedding because my dear in about 3 years you will have it.
You will get to enjoy the "lets try to have a baby" moment that others experience, but it will be brief. The sweetest little man will pop into your life before you plan it - and he too will be beautiful.
Your children will have the 4 best Grandparents in the whole world.
At 23 you will find God, and the words 'beauty' 'grace' and 'faith' will take on entirely new meanings. wow.
Finally, 21 Year Old Me - at 27 you will look back at the last 6 years and wonder where they went, how you crammed so much into them and struggle to hang on to every single important moment even though you know that this is impossible but because that is what YOU do. Just enjoy all of the moments from here forward, know that you are one lucky lady and your life is so very full. Be thankful and whenever you can, help others to do the same.
You'll do great.
xxoo
The guy that you just described to your parents, the one who is 31 and is a single dad with 2 kids (one of whom is closer to your age than he is) - he's a keeper.
The relationship that you just got out of that at times was so great and other times was so bad, you'll get over it, and you'll also realize that those bad times helped to shape a good portion of your life from there forward.
When she asks to help make dinner with you just let her, even if you feel like being alone at that stage of the day. In a couple of years she won't live with you and in a couple more after that you will wish that she did again.
When he drives you bonkers because he's so much like his dad and you just want him to be his own person, don't worry. He just thinks that his dad is the coolest, but in a few years he will change, become his own wonderful identity and you will wonder where that little guy went.
Right now it seems impossible. You may never understand how someone can live without their kids, and thats ok, you don't ever need to know. You might not agree with some of the things that have happened, and thats ok too, it wasn't your life and judging won't help anyone. Over the next 6 years though you will develop a soft spot in your heart for his ex-wife. You will realize one day that it's just there, no matter how much hurt has gone on between you or how you feel sometimes, it's so much better that way. You're no good at being unkind, let's be honest.
He will propose, you won't be the stepmom/mom with the partner whose divorce will never be finalized forever. Just be patient, I know that's not always your best quality but I promise it will be perfect.
When he dreams big, let him. He's a little quirky but he has amazing ideas and you will watch his dreams become reality and be so proud of him and so proud to be his wife.
In a few short months you will find out that you are pregnant, first you will learn never to take a test at work again but besides that you will be excited, after all this IS what you've always wanted. You will also be scared, don't be ... it will be just fine and SHE will be beautiful.
You will tell the other 2 that they are going to have a baby brother or sister. It will be a perfect moment, they will be excited - but you won't know for a few years how truly special it is for your babies to have these siblings. Big brother will be there for every milestone, every birthday, boo boo and tantrum and they will love him. Big sister however will miss a lot of this, enjoy the first few months with 2 daughters in the house and hold them close to your heart. Take lots of pictures and don't let them forget.
Keep dreaming about a Fairy Tale Wedding because my dear in about 3 years you will have it.
You will get to enjoy the "lets try to have a baby" moment that others experience, but it will be brief. The sweetest little man will pop into your life before you plan it - and he too will be beautiful.
Your children will have the 4 best Grandparents in the whole world.
At 23 you will find God, and the words 'beauty' 'grace' and 'faith' will take on entirely new meanings. wow.
Finally, 21 Year Old Me - at 27 you will look back at the last 6 years and wonder where they went, how you crammed so much into them and struggle to hang on to every single important moment even though you know that this is impossible but because that is what YOU do. Just enjoy all of the moments from here forward, know that you are one lucky lady and your life is so very full. Be thankful and whenever you can, help others to do the same.
You'll do great.
xxoo
Friday, May 27, 2011
I wish ... Wonder ... and am Thankful. But it still hurts.
I wish that I could always be as patient as I am with you. All of the kids deserve that, but instead I am pretty much spent after our conversations.
I wish that you could remember how beautiful you are.
I wish that you gave yourself credit, and had faith in yourself if nothing else.
I wish that I could believe everything that you say, the heart in me wants to but the gut tells me thats not a good idea.
I wish that you could see your Dad because sometimes I think you might know him even better than I do. When you are away its easy to pretend that he doesn't care, but if you were here that thought wouldn't even be an option.
I wish that sending you the money that you ask for would really make things better, if it could I would find millions and walk all the way just to give it to you, but it won't.
I wish that you knew your sister. You loved her before she was born and you held her when she was tiny, these days she refers to someone else as her "big sister" and I don't even have the strength to correct her because part of me feels that she is better off that way.
I wish that you knew your littlest brother - he has gorgeous blue eyes and he's so adorable. He thinks his big sister is something pretty special but if he knew he even had another big sister he would love you just the same.
I wish that I could make you understand that it hurts just to talk to you, but it lets me know that you are surviving and so I pick up the phone for my own piece of mind if not for any other reason. Maybe that's selfish ...
I wonder, when the first thing out of your mouth is "I don't have anyone" if you realize that you've just picked up the phone and reached out to me. You must know deep down that you have a huge family including parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins who love you ... what part of you allows that to be ignored?
I wish that you could see how great your other brother is, and be proud of him. He looked up to you once upon a time I think and now he is on his own, a shining example for the other 2.
I wish that you understood that if I could help you I would. We can provide a lot, but we cannot provide the kind of help that you need and that breaks my heart.
I wish that I did more when I could, but I have accepted that this was not because of us - that doesn't make it hurt any less though or take the sad parts away. It only reminds me of the long process that families go through in these times.
I told you today to only worry about the things that you can control - I wonder if you knew how much I was doing the same thing at that very moment.
I'm thankful for the strength to not break down and cry right along with you - but please don't think that I don't cry, I'm doing it right now.
I told you today that you are beautiful, and smart, and strong and that you can get better ... I just wish that you believed that as much as I do.
I wish that you could see that now is the time ... you literally have nothing ... to lose and everything to gain.
Isn't is weird how we write these things, knowing that the person will likely never read them? Yet its therapeutic all the same??
See? I guess we all need some sort of therapy at some point. It just looks and sounds different for everyone.
I wish that you could remember how beautiful you are.
I wish that you gave yourself credit, and had faith in yourself if nothing else.
I wish that I could believe everything that you say, the heart in me wants to but the gut tells me thats not a good idea.
I wish that you could see your Dad because sometimes I think you might know him even better than I do. When you are away its easy to pretend that he doesn't care, but if you were here that thought wouldn't even be an option.
I wish that sending you the money that you ask for would really make things better, if it could I would find millions and walk all the way just to give it to you, but it won't.
I wish that you knew your sister. You loved her before she was born and you held her when she was tiny, these days she refers to someone else as her "big sister" and I don't even have the strength to correct her because part of me feels that she is better off that way.
I wish that you knew your littlest brother - he has gorgeous blue eyes and he's so adorable. He thinks his big sister is something pretty special but if he knew he even had another big sister he would love you just the same.
I wish that I could make you understand that it hurts just to talk to you, but it lets me know that you are surviving and so I pick up the phone for my own piece of mind if not for any other reason. Maybe that's selfish ...
I wonder, when the first thing out of your mouth is "I don't have anyone" if you realize that you've just picked up the phone and reached out to me. You must know deep down that you have a huge family including parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins who love you ... what part of you allows that to be ignored?
I wish that you could see how great your other brother is, and be proud of him. He looked up to you once upon a time I think and now he is on his own, a shining example for the other 2.
I wish that you understood that if I could help you I would. We can provide a lot, but we cannot provide the kind of help that you need and that breaks my heart.
I wish that I did more when I could, but I have accepted that this was not because of us - that doesn't make it hurt any less though or take the sad parts away. It only reminds me of the long process that families go through in these times.
I told you today to only worry about the things that you can control - I wonder if you knew how much I was doing the same thing at that very moment.
I'm thankful for the strength to not break down and cry right along with you - but please don't think that I don't cry, I'm doing it right now.
I told you today that you are beautiful, and smart, and strong and that you can get better ... I just wish that you believed that as much as I do.
I wish that you could see that now is the time ... you literally have nothing ... to lose and everything to gain.
Isn't is weird how we write these things, knowing that the person will likely never read them? Yet its therapeutic all the same??
See? I guess we all need some sort of therapy at some point. It just looks and sounds different for everyone.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
only MY daughter
We were pretty sure right from the get go that Karleigh would one day be the class clown. She is way too quirky and random for it go to waste and I'm sure that I will be signing her up for musical theatre and/or drama very soon.
Besides that though, she is brilliant. I know I'm her mom so really what else would I say, but its true. She is so grown up for her little tiny age I amazes me still even though I now treat her as such and pretty much expect it, when I stop to think about it or when people (constantly) comment on it I realize that not every 4 year old is this way. All the while reminding me that my little monster of a son (aka most handsome little man on the planet) will very likely NOT be as grown up as Karleigh.
Ahhh I'll enjoy it while I can.
She has never been hard to discipline, if I ask her to take a time out while she calms down, she says "ok Mom" and goes to her room - returning a few minutes later to tell me that she's ok now. A couple of weeks ago Lane brought a car home for me to test drive, Keegan was napping and Tristan was home so we put KL's booster seat in the car and took her for a quick drive with us. Half way down the street this little voice in the back says "I don't like leaving the house without Keegy". We told her it was ok and that we weren't going for very long. A few minutes later that same voice "I really think we should go back for Keegan". I quickly realized that SHE forgot that Tristan was home and thought that we had left her little brother home all alone. The little mother in her could hardly stand it ...
A while ago now we realized she could read. We started to notice her reading more and more words all the time but were pretty sure that she had a photographic memory (ironic for MY daughter hey?? haha) and so was just simply remembering words that she saw more often than others. One night though, her and I were in a store and I could hear her behind me reading all of the headlines on the magazine rack. When we got home I opened a book for her and she read me the whole thing. Shes 4, has never gone to daycare and had just a few months of preschool at which I don't think they even worked on reading since it was a class for 3 year olds as well as 4. She can now pick up any book in our house, and I mean ANY book and read it to you. Including the "Birds of North America" reference book that she read at my parents house the other day and now lets me know all the types of birds that we have in our yard as she sees them.
Last night we were so blessed to be able to spend some time with Lanes cousin who lives in Hungary and her adorable little girl Emma. Karleigh remembers when Emma was here a year (or more?) ago and was SO excited to see her last night. It also helps that she thinks it's so cool that there is a place called "hungry". We were probably out way too late for the girls but they were way too cute together and had so much fun visiting.
When we got home I told Karleigh to go tell Daddy all about it - so she goes and tells him how great it was and how "awesome" Emma is etc. When I asked her to tell him where Emma is from though she said "I don't know" I told her "yes you do Karleigh, what is the word that we use when we need food?" and do you know what MY daughter said?
"Famished??"
Seriously ... shes 4, who says that!?
I love her, she is crazy, and she is funny and she is smart and I could not be more proud of her.
Enjoy these few photos of Emma and Karleigh together in the studio!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I had it all figured out ... HA!
I always knew exactly what I wanted, I just had no idea what that looked like.
I am a planner, I like to know whats going on at all times, I don't like change, and I'm not good with surprises. So naturally I had my whole life mapped out from a very young age. I was going to be a mom, have 4 kids, get married and have a very busy, happy, family filled life.
"HA! " I bet thats what God was thinking while I made these 'plans' for myself.
Like much in this world, I got exactly what I asked for ... word for word, and in that order.
I was a mom, before I ever had kids. I used to joke that 'I always wanted kids - I just wasn't very specific as to whose kids I wanted'. Someone else knew better what I needed though and being a stepmom was definitely part of it! So after I was a mom, I had kids, and just as much as I needed to love someone elses children as my own, I also needed my own babies and the connection that comes with that. I really don't like the term "stepson" and rarely refer to Tristan that way, it makes me feel as if he is separate from Karleigh and Keegan and thats not how I feel about him. He's with me just as much as they are, we don't ever set the table for 4 its always set for 5, he drives me crazy sometimes JUST like they do :) and Karleigh is very aware that she has 2 brothers not just one. On the other hand I can't and do not pretend that he is MINE, I did not give birth to him when I was 11, that would just be weird and I don't claim anything different.
So I got my 4 kids and I did get married, to my best friend and had the most perfect fairy tale Wedding Day that I could have ever imagined. It all came true for me but with a small reminder that I was not the one in charge. So while I had my fun, planned my life and dreamt in all into reality, or so I felt ... I was clearly not the one with the final say. Its a good thing too, some of the things in my life I had no idea that I needed yet I don't know how I could live without them.
This was very evident last night when Lane and I got home from his birthday dinner. We had a great evening just visiting with each other, no kids needing to be played with, fed or changed just the 2 of us. Every once in a while I come up with random questions about his life before me, I'm not sure if its because I haven't asked before or if I purposely block them out sometimes but it's strange being married to someone who was married before. This is another part of my life that I did not ask for, didn't expect and still haven't figured out its importance but I'm sure its there somewhere! It's not as big a deal as I once thought it would be, I definitely don't think about it everyday and it has little significance if any to my marriage today but it's always there, somewhere in the back. I can only compare it to my own marriage even though I know they are/were very different, and I guess thats the part that's hard to grasp - quickly making me realize why I don't need to talk or think about it often.
When we got home though, Tristan had put Karleigh to bed. As if he didn't already know, she told him "this is the first time you've put me to bed 'Swist' " which is her lispy name for him. He checked on Keegan too, little boy in his big bed who was of course awake still and pretending to go to sleep every time the door closed. Listening to him fill me in on the cute things that both of the littles did was amazing. It reminded me why we are all a family, weird ages and all. Our house wouldn't be the same without all 5 of us living in it. Karleigh wouldn't be the same if she only had one brother and not 2, Keegan wouldn't be the same without his big brother T-T and thats becoming more and more obvious. Tristan wouldn't be the same if he was not around 100% of the time to meet new baby siblings in the hospital, watch for himself the way Dad and I love each other and respect one another (MOST of the time) and my marriage would not be the same if we didn't have the ability to go for coffee together or dinner once in a while knowing that the big kids can look after the little ones and I don't have the struggle of searching for a babysitter. All of these things that I had no idea I even needed ...
Yes, I had the perfect plan ... and it was perfectly altered. I only wish that Logan was still a part of our home and knew her brothers and sister better but I know in my heart that there is a reason for this also, one of the 'unknowns' that is just tougher to accept.
My household is a daily reminder that everything happens for a reason, that no matter how well we think we have things together - we can so quickly be surprised. Its also a reminder to have faith, if you find yourself at 21 with a 10 and 14 year old, stick it out ... because that recipe for disaster might just turn out to be something fabulous!
I am a planner, I like to know whats going on at all times, I don't like change, and I'm not good with surprises. So naturally I had my whole life mapped out from a very young age. I was going to be a mom, have 4 kids, get married and have a very busy, happy, family filled life.
"HA! " I bet thats what God was thinking while I made these 'plans' for myself.
Like much in this world, I got exactly what I asked for ... word for word, and in that order.
I was a mom, before I ever had kids. I used to joke that 'I always wanted kids - I just wasn't very specific as to whose kids I wanted'. Someone else knew better what I needed though and being a stepmom was definitely part of it! So after I was a mom, I had kids, and just as much as I needed to love someone elses children as my own, I also needed my own babies and the connection that comes with that. I really don't like the term "stepson" and rarely refer to Tristan that way, it makes me feel as if he is separate from Karleigh and Keegan and thats not how I feel about him. He's with me just as much as they are, we don't ever set the table for 4 its always set for 5, he drives me crazy sometimes JUST like they do :) and Karleigh is very aware that she has 2 brothers not just one. On the other hand I can't and do not pretend that he is MINE, I did not give birth to him when I was 11, that would just be weird and I don't claim anything different.
So I got my 4 kids and I did get married, to my best friend and had the most perfect fairy tale Wedding Day that I could have ever imagined. It all came true for me but with a small reminder that I was not the one in charge. So while I had my fun, planned my life and dreamt in all into reality, or so I felt ... I was clearly not the one with the final say. Its a good thing too, some of the things in my life I had no idea that I needed yet I don't know how I could live without them.
This was very evident last night when Lane and I got home from his birthday dinner. We had a great evening just visiting with each other, no kids needing to be played with, fed or changed just the 2 of us. Every once in a while I come up with random questions about his life before me, I'm not sure if its because I haven't asked before or if I purposely block them out sometimes but it's strange being married to someone who was married before. This is another part of my life that I did not ask for, didn't expect and still haven't figured out its importance but I'm sure its there somewhere! It's not as big a deal as I once thought it would be, I definitely don't think about it everyday and it has little significance if any to my marriage today but it's always there, somewhere in the back. I can only compare it to my own marriage even though I know they are/were very different, and I guess thats the part that's hard to grasp - quickly making me realize why I don't need to talk or think about it often.
When we got home though, Tristan had put Karleigh to bed. As if he didn't already know, she told him "this is the first time you've put me to bed 'Swist' " which is her lispy name for him. He checked on Keegan too, little boy in his big bed who was of course awake still and pretending to go to sleep every time the door closed. Listening to him fill me in on the cute things that both of the littles did was amazing. It reminded me why we are all a family, weird ages and all. Our house wouldn't be the same without all 5 of us living in it. Karleigh wouldn't be the same if she only had one brother and not 2, Keegan wouldn't be the same without his big brother T-T and thats becoming more and more obvious. Tristan wouldn't be the same if he was not around 100% of the time to meet new baby siblings in the hospital, watch for himself the way Dad and I love each other and respect one another (MOST of the time) and my marriage would not be the same if we didn't have the ability to go for coffee together or dinner once in a while knowing that the big kids can look after the little ones and I don't have the struggle of searching for a babysitter. All of these things that I had no idea I even needed ...
Yes, I had the perfect plan ... and it was perfectly altered. I only wish that Logan was still a part of our home and knew her brothers and sister better but I know in my heart that there is a reason for this also, one of the 'unknowns' that is just tougher to accept.
My household is a daily reminder that everything happens for a reason, that no matter how well we think we have things together - we can so quickly be surprised. Its also a reminder to have faith, if you find yourself at 21 with a 10 and 14 year old, stick it out ... because that recipe for disaster might just turn out to be something fabulous!
Monday, May 16, 2011
I don't care who you are thankful to, but please be thankful.
I use the word "blessed" quite frequently. I think that this bothers people sometimes, as if they scour peoples posts, statuses or blogs for the word and then immediately jump to "oh, they're Christian" as if that somehow changes them and they assume that "we" don't have the ability to feel blessed by anything or anyone but God.
Don't get me wrong, I thank God for SO many of the things in my life, I believe that with my whole heart - but I also believe that I am blessed by my husband with a friendship and a love that I could have never imagined. I believe that I am blessed by my kids for filling my life with more than I ever knew I could fit into it, and I am blessed by my friends, the people in my life, everyone that I am surrounded by, whether I chose them on purpose or they were put there just for me.
We spent this weekend in Vancouver, we've been promising our 15 year old (my stepson) for a very long time that we would take him for a couple of days just for a fun trip and life and business always seem to get in the way so this time we planned it, and we did it - nothing in the way :) We even brought his girlfriend along with us! I'm thankful that he not only wants to spend time with us still but that he even seems to enjoy it. Do the free dinners out make it more enjoyable for him? Probably, but I'll just pretend that he loves us THAT much.
Saturday Morning we were getting ready to head downtown, quick stop at Starbucks and we would be on our way. We all ordered, and we waited, and then waited some more and then were told that about half of what we had ordered couldn't be made because they didn't have the things necessary etc, etc. Not a huge deal, just sort of annoying. But they gave us something else instead plus some free drinks and we were out of there.
Before I explain what happened next let me just say this ... besides some of the major hurdles and struggles in my life (which you may or may not know about depending on how much of this blog you have read) things like that are about as bad as it gets. I don't even have to MAKE the coffee myself, so do I really care if they forget to put the Vanilla in my latte or don't have the banana for my smoothie? No, not really - I'll add it when I get home. I order pizza for my family on most Fridays and I always think its funny when they tell me ... "ohhh, that might be about 7 or 8 minutes" .... 7-8 minutes? Take 15 minutes, I dont care! I dont have to cook it and I can see my kids from here watching a movie in the car ... take all the time you want lady :) I can't be that spoiled, I just can't ... and heres why.
As we left Starbucks to head downtown we drove by a house, a driveway, and something I won't soon forget. It was grey and rainy out (typical Vancouver day) and I could see 2 people standing on a driveway. As we got closer I saw luggage in his hands, and then I saw her. Probably the saddest face I have ever seen, just sobbing and even though it was silent from inside the car I felt like I could hear her cries. Clearly he was leaving, and not for a business trip or a "see you later" sort of thing. I thought to myself, this is what it looks like when your love leaves you. It was right there infront of me, standing in the rain, drenched and crying.
So for the husband I was sitting beside, for the latte that was in my hand, and for the 8 minute pizza I consider myself blessed. I am nowhere near where those 2 were and I am so thankful, and its important to me that I acknowledge that.
I don't care who you thank for the things in your life, if you don't have faith in a God do I wish for your sake that you did? Sure, but whats even more important and what I really care about, is that you thank someone, ANYone for your blessings, because we all have them. No matter how bad our day might be, someone elses is always worse. I believe that my outside struggles are so minimal because the ones on the inside of our family are quite substantial and we are never given more than we can handle, so for that, for those tiny bumps in my day - I am thankful, I am blessed.
*here are a few photos from our weekend*
Don't get me wrong, I thank God for SO many of the things in my life, I believe that with my whole heart - but I also believe that I am blessed by my husband with a friendship and a love that I could have never imagined. I believe that I am blessed by my kids for filling my life with more than I ever knew I could fit into it, and I am blessed by my friends, the people in my life, everyone that I am surrounded by, whether I chose them on purpose or they were put there just for me.
We spent this weekend in Vancouver, we've been promising our 15 year old (my stepson) for a very long time that we would take him for a couple of days just for a fun trip and life and business always seem to get in the way so this time we planned it, and we did it - nothing in the way :) We even brought his girlfriend along with us! I'm thankful that he not only wants to spend time with us still but that he even seems to enjoy it. Do the free dinners out make it more enjoyable for him? Probably, but I'll just pretend that he loves us THAT much.
Saturday Morning we were getting ready to head downtown, quick stop at Starbucks and we would be on our way. We all ordered, and we waited, and then waited some more and then were told that about half of what we had ordered couldn't be made because they didn't have the things necessary etc, etc. Not a huge deal, just sort of annoying. But they gave us something else instead plus some free drinks and we were out of there.
Before I explain what happened next let me just say this ... besides some of the major hurdles and struggles in my life (which you may or may not know about depending on how much of this blog you have read) things like that are about as bad as it gets. I don't even have to MAKE the coffee myself, so do I really care if they forget to put the Vanilla in my latte or don't have the banana for my smoothie? No, not really - I'll add it when I get home. I order pizza for my family on most Fridays and I always think its funny when they tell me ... "ohhh, that might be about 7 or 8 minutes" .... 7-8 minutes? Take 15 minutes, I dont care! I dont have to cook it and I can see my kids from here watching a movie in the car ... take all the time you want lady :) I can't be that spoiled, I just can't ... and heres why.
As we left Starbucks to head downtown we drove by a house, a driveway, and something I won't soon forget. It was grey and rainy out (typical Vancouver day) and I could see 2 people standing on a driveway. As we got closer I saw luggage in his hands, and then I saw her. Probably the saddest face I have ever seen, just sobbing and even though it was silent from inside the car I felt like I could hear her cries. Clearly he was leaving, and not for a business trip or a "see you later" sort of thing. I thought to myself, this is what it looks like when your love leaves you. It was right there infront of me, standing in the rain, drenched and crying.
So for the husband I was sitting beside, for the latte that was in my hand, and for the 8 minute pizza I consider myself blessed. I am nowhere near where those 2 were and I am so thankful, and its important to me that I acknowledge that.
I don't care who you thank for the things in your life, if you don't have faith in a God do I wish for your sake that you did? Sure, but whats even more important and what I really care about, is that you thank someone, ANYone for your blessings, because we all have them. No matter how bad our day might be, someone elses is always worse. I believe that my outside struggles are so minimal because the ones on the inside of our family are quite substantial and we are never given more than we can handle, so for that, for those tiny bumps in my day - I am thankful, I am blessed.
*here are a few photos from our weekend*
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