Im angry. At you, at it, and at the whole thing.

I've picked up the phone to call. I've started to write texts that I have told myself not to send. I have searched for anyone on Facebook that I think might have some information ... and I have turned the computer off.

This is all so beyond my control and I have to tell myself that every, single, day.

It was 3 months this week since I have heard from you. I saw that day coming on the calendar and thought no, I will hear from her before then ... but nothing. Just like when I sent all those messages, every single day hoping to awaken a memory in you or spark something, but nothing. Just like when your little sisters birthday came and went. I was sure that I would hear from you because every year you surprise me and remember her special day ... nothing. I checked with your mom and thought maybe she had heard from you and hadn't let me know yet, but I was wrong.

I saw this whole scenario coming but I kept telling myself that this was not going to happen again. Things were going well between us. We saw you, we spent time with you, we took a picture of all 4 kids for the first time in 4 years. I look at that image now and I know that it was, like everything else, part of a plan. It wasn't the amazing new start that I'd hoped it was, it was just another piece to our puzzle. Another memory to add to our bank. I am thankful that I have those images, but I can't look at them right now.

I am angry. I'm angry that addiction tears families apart. I am angry that you are in a toxic relationship. I am angry that you won't let us help you. I am angry that you think this is a healthy way to live.

Im angry that addiction is manipulative and it lies and that it has fooled family members into believing you are "OK" when we know without a single doubt that you are not. I can't make them acknowledge that though.

I am also angry at myself.  I know that nobody chose this, and that anger will not help anyone. Not us, and not you, and I know that. I know that my anger is really sadness and helplessness but if I call it anger I feel tougher about it. I'm afraid that if I look at it for what it is, it will just be a place I can't go to again.

As long as you continue down this path I have to hide all of this away, in a spot in the very back of my mind. I can't let it take over because then addiction wins and that just won't happen.

So rather then text you again, or try to contact someone who might know SOMEthing ... I choose this. It helps me in a tiny way by letting it out, and maybe it will help someone else who will stumble upon it someday. It has happened for me in the past and I know that even though we don't hear about it, we are not the only ones in this position.

The fact that I am a worrier makes me think years down the road and what this will do to you brothers and your sister. It's not your fault that my mind goes there, but I do wish that it all meant something to you. I wish that being a big sister to them was enough for you. I wish that something inside of you would turn back on and bring you home, or at least back to our lives, but I have accepted that that may never happen.

For now, for the last 3 months, and for the sake of choosing to be a good mother to the other 3, I will just pray that you are safe, that you are alive, and that somewhere inside you still know that you are loved unconditionally ... even if sometimes we are angry.

Dear B.

Its been almost a year since my last post. Today seems like the perfect time.

My mom turns 60 today. She dislikes this immensely and probably will dislike that I have now broadcasted it for her, but she won't be surprised *wink*

So here goes ...

Dear B.

See I haven't even typed a word yet into the body of this and I already need a tissue, this is how I know that I am exactly like you, you probably just went and got one too. The truth is that you are like your mom too, and I bet just like me, you never thought you wanted to be that way ... but it's how we ended up and we are both secretly happy about it.

I spent a lot of time as a strong teenager letting you know all of the things that I thought you were doing wrong, but I'm not sure if I ever told you all of the things that I think you did right.

You taught me first and foremost to be kind. I'll never forget the time that I rolled my eyes at my grouchy old bus driver after he smiled and waved at me and how disappointed you were in me for not smiling back at him.

You taught me not to judge. I dont think that I have ever seen you non-accepting of someone or their ways or form an opinion of someone before giving them a full 100% chance.

You taught me that love is all we need. This, sometimes I still struggle with. I would like to say that no, I also need boots, bags, and other cute things but you are right. Love is all we need and I have never had a lack of love from you, nor have my babies, your grand babies.

You have ZERO drama. I can't say that I inherited this but if there was one quality of yours that I wish I did it would be this one ... I blame Dad for my "flair"

You always told me that I was beautiful, even when I know I was awkward ... but I understand now that little girls are always beautiful in their mommys eyes.

You taught me to forgive.
Actually if I am being honest I don't remember this lesson coming from you but somehow I picked it up and I know it wasn't from Dad.

You taught me what it looks like to be a loyal, loving, supportive wife. I will insert credit for Dad here too since I seem to be picking on him :) you both have been an amazing example of unending love. When I was younger it made me want to barph, but I get it now. Thank you for not changing just because your rude daughter thought you guys were too old to hug or kiss still.

Lastly, and one of the MOST important ... you taught me not to care what others think. I haven't done very well with this. I care what everyone thinks. I worry like crazy and I know that I get that from you. Funny enough, just like you, I try to teach MY daughter the same thing even though I haven't yet grasped it myself. Nana was a worrier, you are a worrier, I am a worrier and little KL is a worrier too.

So you're 60. Well you would tell me (and you know that I hate when you say this to me) "JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT" :)

You are the mom and Grandma that I never knew you could be or would be (I know that you know me well enough to take that as a compliment) and you are one of my best friends. If 60 is what it took for us to get here ... then bring on 60!!

I love you, Happy Birthday Mom.


PS Im crying ... and it's all your fault! xo

Give it your all, and then Give it away.

Holy Moly its been a long time!! I haven't blogged since October! I am starting this post in the hopes that something will come to me and the words will just flow ... without a real plan ... here goes nothin'.

Last year most of my posts were about one thing. It needed to be said, I needed to talk about it, and I think some others even needed to hear it. I kept posting and posting and the words came so easily, they were truth and they were reality and so it wasn't difficult to just spew it all out.

Looking back though I think I kept on writing genuinely hoping for a certain outcome. When that journey took a turn for the worse I stopped writing. That outcome that I was silently hoping for was seeming further and further away and I realized that I could possibly be blogging about it forever. Something that I knew could happen, but I had lost sight of. Funny how some reminders are gentle, and some not so much.

Soon after realizing that, I changed. For some this was a good change, and for others it was very unlike me.  I don't think I really admitted it to myself until one particular day. It was business as usual in our house ... I was trying to do everything and doing my best to not ask for help with any of it, put a big family dinner together, get Karleigh to swimming, host company and try to solve all the problems in the world (ok, maybe just in our family)

I had 2 girlfriends over (2 of the best friends I could ever ask for and whom I value more than they could ever know) and in the midst of trying to keep it all emotionally together I don't know how many times I stopped, completely forgetting what I was doing, got distracted by an email or a phone call that I desperately wanted to ignore but just couldnt. I can't even remember if I eventually broke down and cried during that visit but I remember clearly that I wanted to.

At one point I think I just looked around, not knowing how to proceed and realized, my life (for that day) was unmanageable. Funny, you spend months, YEARS even, trying to show someone else that their life is unmanageable and in turn you see that in dealing with their life, yours has become the same. *not by the same reasons, but unmanageable in its own way*

That afternoon the 2 sweetest friends joined me in the kitchen, helped me to finish putting dinner together, helped love my kids while Mama was having a silent meltdown and even washed my hair in the kitchen sink just so that I could look semi-put together when everyone arrived. Not all friends would do this, or even recognize that you need it, but if you are blessed enough to have one (or more) make sure you let them know how appreciated they are. I hope I did after that day.

Ok, if I wasn't crying that day ... I am now! I guess I've found the reason for the post.

To some of you this may not apply. You might be reading this and thinking, "my life is WAY worse than that every single day" and you might be right. Some of you may understand, if you've read previous posts and have an idea what was going on in my head at that time in my life ... and some of you may not understand for a long time but will one day stumble upon this and find that you are in the same place. I didn't think I would ever be there, and you may not either.

Let me just say that this didn't last long and to most I am sure they just thought I was being a bitch. Sorry, some words are just appropriate at certain times. I didn't return messages as quickly as I normally do, I didn't make as many plans as I like to. I was burnt out (which came across as grumpy) I knew that my marriage needed more attention, and that my 3 kids at home needed more attention and that I had given everything I had (and I wasn't the only one who did this ... ) to someone else and to their own problems and in return I created my own.

There comes a time when you have to admit that you have done all that you can, even if you didn't get the outcome that you wanted. You have to learn to give it away, I gave it to God, you can give it to whoever you like ... but it has to be given away. I know that not one person can do everything, but a part of me still thought I could, if I tried hard enough and for long enough.

I am thankful that my "rut" didn't last long at all, I doubt my little kids even noticed actually. I noticed though, and I am forever thankful that these 2 friends were there when I did.

Its easy to hide behind Facebook statuses and text messages, but sometimes we need someone to see us in true form to throw us into reality. I'm thankful that I have friends who can see me that way, and even though they don't think its nearly as bad as I do, it gives you the nudge that you need.

I gave it away, and never looked back (well, not for more than a glance) its just not my battle, and the way that it was all dealt with, it is well with my soul.

She's not a baby anymore.

It's been about 6 weeks since my last post. Not that there haven't been things going on, but I just haven't had the energy to blog about them. You can try only so much with certain things, but when they start to effect your everyday life, your marriage, and your kids ... enough is enough. Not all things are mine to "mend" and I need to remind myself of that.

I was waiting, sure that something would come along, or happen and I would have that "AHA!" moment and know exactly what I should write about. Well it did, but not nearly in the form that I thought it would. I was expecting something bubbly and happy, maybe even funny. Instead I got this ...

My sweet 5 year old will not put her head under water. I mean seriously, won't do it. We are on round 4 of the same level in swimming because she is just determined that there is another way to swim and play in the water and even surf one day, without ever having to do this.

I've been trying, I tell her when we go to lessons that she needs to really try and be brave, and to ask her teacher for help is she is scared. She won't do it. I've tried putting her in the shower, she hates it. I've tried telling her that she needs to learn before we go to Hawaii or she won't be able to go in the pool, she says ok, but nothing changes.

A few nights ago I tried pouring water over her head. Before you judge me ... I totally gave her warning. I told her what I was going to do, told her to close her eyes, explained it entirely ... out came the water, and oh MY word the blood curdling screams that came out of that girl were enough to make my skin crawl. I hauled her out, bath time was over.

Don't ask me why I thought trying that again tonight would be a smart idea, but I did. Told her a long time before she went into the tub that this is what we were going to do, told her as she was getting in ... when she came running into my office totally naked telling me that she was finished her bath, in a panic because she knew that the "water over the head time" must be coming soon ... I should have let it be, but I didn't. I got her back in the tub, and once again told her "ok, close your eyes. Water doesn't hurt your eyes, its ok"

The first time ... fine. Second time ... fine. Third time ... blood curdling screams. She threw the monster of all 5 year old fits and I threw the monster of all terrible mother fits. Out of the bath, into her towel, into her room and told her that's fine, when we go away on vacation she can just stay home because she obviously doesn't want to listen or try.

What kind of a Mother am I!? Who was that crazy lady telling her little girl these things ...

When we both calmed down I went back into her room to help her get ready for bed, brush her hair (that never did get washed because of our episode) and to talk to her. I asked her what she was feeling. "Sad." I asked her why. "Because you told me that you were going to leave me here and you promised me that you would never leave me"

Now we are both crying. Poor little Angel.

I turned her around and told her that she was absolutely right, I won't ever leave her (in some houses this holds more value than others and in ours its a big deal) I had no idea that was the answer that she would give me. No idea that her little heart even remembered things like that. I was so proud of her for sticking up for herself that way, and so ashamed of myself for making her have to. Good Mom's don't do that, I'm a good Mom, I can't do that.

We have agreed now if she thinks I am getting mad and she doesn't like it she can tell me that I need to have a time out. *I have no doubt that she will use this very soon whether its necessary or not*

My job is to be the safe place for my babies. I need to remember also that they will not always BE babies, and one day they will say something that will very clearly show me that they are growing up.

Dear Time ... where did you go?

I've been sitting here for a good 15 minutes trying to start this post.
Trying to figure out how to tell you that when people say "they grow up so fast" they are full of crap.

Fast doesn't cut it.

This week I took Karleigh to Kindergarten. I walked through the front doors, and turned the corner expecting to see a ton of parents all doing the same thing. For whatever reason (and we WERE on time for the record) I had Keegan on my left hip and Karleigh holding my right hand and we turned that corner and it was just us. All the way to her classroom. I looked down at her and told her " oh no! Im gonna cry!" and she looked up at me and said "you're crazy mom"

I remember when I found out that I was pregnant. 21 and filled with excitement and OH MY GOODNESS! (probably not the word that I was thinking at that moment)

I remember one night rushing to the hospital, afraid that we were losing our baby and having an emergency ultrasound. The nurse said to me "you're ok, and baby is ok. In fact, that little blip on the screen ... thats the heartbeat"

I remember hearing that what I was SURE was a boy ... was a girl. I bought the cutest tiniest pink outfit that day.

From those days, to the first time I held her, to her first steps, first words and first tantrum. Time didn't go "fast" ... I can't even tell you WHERE it went.

I went back to work after my maternity leave was up, and soon after returned home to be a full time Mommy. I knew that I was blessed to be able to do that, but I didn't realize HOW blessed until now.

Now when someone else gets to spend 6 hours a day with her that I don't. Now when she waves goodbye to me in the morning and I head home to spend the day with only Keegan. I've never had ONLY him and it reminds me constantly of the days when I had only Karleigh.

I am happy with the way we spent our time the last 4.5 years. I am content with the things that I taught her. I will wish I did more, that's just who I am. I will wonder if I did enough and hope that she is a good and kind person to her friends at school. I will hope that everyone is nice to her because she is so sensitive (much like her Mama who is sobbing right now) though I know that hurts are inevitable even in her little life.

So no, I won't tell you that they grow up fast. I will just tell you this, love them, love them, and love them. At the end of the day, you will both be better off knowing that you adored them as much as you possibly could.

                                                                     First Birthday :)

First day of School

why does judgement come so natural?

I've been trying to post something for a while now, but couldn't think of the right topic. What did I have to say that would mean anything to anyone? I came up with nothing ... until tonight.

I was at the post office and the most pleasant lady was helping me. In a nutshell I had to PAY to pick up a package that had been returned to me. A package that I already paid to send in the first place. If I chose NOT to pay to retrieve this parcel, Canada Post would kindly keep it, store it for X number of days and then I'm sure someone would end up opening it up, keeping the magazine, twizzlers and gum and without a second thought, toss out the card celebrating 60 days of sobriety and the pictures of this anonymous persons little brother and sister ... weird.

I paid to receive the package ... again ... so that I can give it to Logan myself when I see her, for free ... anyway! The lady was sweet enough to give me another pre paid envelope for next time which I thought was a nice gesture. You see I briefly told her, when she asked me if I'd rather refuse the package, that this was for my daughter. No, while I didn't really feel like I paying for it again, I still wanted her to have it. Somewhere in there I said "it's special, theres photos and a card celebrating her 60 days, she's in treatment" she said to me "what is she in treatment for, if you don't mind me asking" ... I didn't mind, and so I answered with no problem "drugs, addiction."

She put her head down and said "oh" in a way that seemed as though I had just stuck her with an infected needle.

At that moment, I assumed that she was judging me, and in return, I was judging her also. Do I know for a fact that she was judging me? Absolutely not. So why is it our natural reaction to assume so? If someone told me that they were sending a package to someone in rehab I certainly wouldn't think any less of them ... BUT,  I know better. I am that person. I do send packages to someone there. Perhaps if all of this had not happened I would be just like her. I wouldn't know how to react, I might put my head down too.

I guess this is all to say that you don't know where someone has been, or where they are headed. I have no idea what made her uncomfortable about my comment, was it because she has no idea what it's like, or was it because she knows EXACTLY what it's like? She has no idea how I, the young lady on the other side of the counter who is 27 but looks 19 has ended up with a 20 year old step daughter ... or maybe she does know, maybe I'm just assuming. It's so easy to think that we have all the answers. It's so easy to assume that our opinions are correct. It's not so easy when God slaps you in the face with the realization that you just might be wrong though. When he reminds you that YOU are not the one with all the answers.

I must have needed that reminder today. Maybe I live my life worrying so much that I am the one being judged that I don't even notice that I am unknowingly doing it to others at the same time.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

6 weeks later

I'm supposed to be packing. Painting my toes. Getting some sleep. Tomorrow morning I leave for Maui with my best friend to celebrate our 3rd Wedding Anniversary.

But I can't do that until I celebrate something else first.

On May 27th I posted this ... http://aprilmartinsblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-wish-wonder-and-am-thankful-but-it.html

If someone had told me then what the next few weeks would hold I would have never believed them, I suppose there are some things that we need to learn on our own.

On June 13th, 2.5 weeks after posting that, she started treatment.

One week later I took her little sister to visit her ... it started off a little rocky, but ended up being so wonderful.

2 weeks later we took her brother down, she had asked for him and THAT was a huge step. She needed to pay attention to him again for a change and he so very much deserved to see her doing so well, after the years of what we have all seen instead. Later that same day we surprised her with a visit from her dad, an image that will not soon leave my memory and something that, as I was told, was SO amazing and important for her recovery. She needed to know that he was there, and that he loves her ... and she is now certain of that.

2 more weeks, another visit and an incredible conversation (photos from this visit below) I told her about this blog, that I shared details, that anyone who reads it is very likely aware of who I am speaking about. I told her that I will print these off for her to see, to see how it has effected our family also and what it is like on this side, in my mind at least. She was completely ok with that and actually looks forward to reading these posts. She held my hand through the parking lot and into the store as if that was the way it was supposed to be, chatting away and happy ... something we haven't seen her be for years.

This post is very "point form" and maybe a little drab, but if you knew how much emotion is within these lines it would mean so much more. To anyone who has a loved one with an addiction, you will understand. To anyone who has a loved one with an addiction you can read this and know that it IS possible, just as I read other blogs over the last 4 years and couldn't let myself be that hopeful.

I know that not everyone is as fortunate as we are in these situations, and my heart absolutely breaks for those families ... I also know that just because we are on the right path right now, doesn't mean that we will always be on it. I have to remember that fact ... as hard as it is to accept.

6 weeks ago was a day that I never thought I would have to deal with. Never thought I would see at all much less WANT to see.

6 weeks ago a very beautiful soul had a very powerful nudge and made an extremely important decision. She has a long road ahead, as do we as her family ... but wow, we are actually ON that road now!

Now I can go pack, paint my toes, whatever. Most importantly though - we can go away tomorrow, leave the country, and know that all 4 kids are safe ... thats a first, and a very welcomed one.