I wish ... Wonder ... and am Thankful. But it still hurts.

I wish that I could always be as patient as I am with you. All of the kids deserve that, but instead I am pretty much spent after our conversations.

I wish that you could remember how beautiful you are.

I wish that you gave yourself credit, and had faith in yourself if nothing else.

I wish that I could believe everything that you say, the heart in me wants to but the gut tells me thats not a good idea.

I wish that you could see your Dad because sometimes I think you might know him even better than I do. When you are away its easy to pretend that he doesn't care, but if you were here that thought wouldn't even be an option.

I wish that sending you the money that you ask for would really make things better, if it could I would find millions and walk all the way just to give it to you, but it won't.

I wish that you knew your sister. You loved her before she was born and you held her when she was tiny, these days she refers to someone else as her "big sister" and I don't even have the strength to correct her because part of me feels that she is better off that way.

I wish that you knew your littlest brother - he has gorgeous blue eyes and he's so adorable. He thinks his big sister is something pretty special but if he knew he even had another big sister he would love you just the same.

I wish that I could make you understand that it hurts just to talk to you, but it lets me know that you are surviving and so I pick up the phone for my own piece of mind if not for any other reason. Maybe that's selfish ...

I wonder, when the first thing out of your mouth is "I don't have anyone" if you realize that you've just picked up the phone and reached out to me. You must know deep down that you have a huge family including parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins who love you ... what part of you allows that to be ignored?

I wish that you could see how great your other brother is, and be proud of him. He looked up to you once upon a time I think and now he is on his own, a shining example for the other 2.

I wish that you understood that if I could help you I would. We can provide a lot, but we cannot provide the kind of help that you need and that breaks my heart.

I wish that I did more when I could, but I have accepted that this was not because of us - that doesn't make it hurt any less though or take the sad parts away. It only reminds me of the long process that families go through in these times.

I told you today to only worry about the things that you can control - I wonder if you knew how much I was doing the same thing at that very moment.

I'm thankful for the strength to not break down and cry right along with you - but please don't think that I don't cry, I'm doing it right now.

I told you today that you are beautiful, and smart, and strong and that you can get better ... I just wish that you believed that as much as I do.

I wish that you could see that now is the time ... you literally have nothing ... to lose and everything to gain.

Isn't is weird how we write these things, knowing that the person will likely never read them? Yet its therapeutic all the same??

See? I guess we all need some sort of therapy at some point. It just looks and sounds different for everyone.