all in his time ...

I discovered a blog about 6 weeks ago called Mom vs Heroin.

I stumbled upon the very first entry somehow and read this story that sounded SO much like our own daughters journey. I then jumped right to the most recent post which started off "my Daughter is a strong woman" and I immediately started to cry. This Mom explained how well her Daughter was now doing and on the road to recovery. I was so happy for this stranger and yet so jealous of her at the same time, thinking inside to myself that after the last 4 years I might never get to say those words and hardly even believing that some people DO get that chance.

After reading this Moms Blog I could not stop thinking about it - the ages were almost exactly the same, the stories, the sadness, everything. I kept dreaming about a day where maybe I could be the one to write "my daughter is a strong woman" and then a few phone calls would come from her, the blood pressure rising again and that dream would slowly start to fade away.

There is a point where enough is enough. If you are lucky enough (and not everyone is) someone will hear your cries when you are at this point. If you let him, God will move things SO quickly for you so that you can be safe. He will walk someone through a locked door and hold it open when your help is on the other side trying to get in. He will make room in a safe place for you even though just hours before it was apparently "full". He will bring love to your doorstep rather than anger because he knows that THAT didn't work last time. He will find a safe place for someone that you care about too if thats what it takes because he can do that. He will whisper to you that it's ok, and that YOU can do this.

I really wondered if the day would ever come. Today though, I can tell you ... our Daughter is a strong woman. *our, all of us, she claims us all as her parents and I will gladly accept that*

Will she be ok tomorrow? I don't know that. I do know however, that she has been ok for the past 4 days and THAT is nothing short of a miracle.

On Monday she was so brave, she took a step toward a new life and she did it all with God and with her own strength and courage.

Like anything else this story does and will continue to have its ups and downs, and thats ok. The only thing that matters is that she is safe. It doesn't matter who was there, it just matters that they WERE. It doesn't matter who was NOT there, if that was meant to be then it would have been. There are rules that need to be followed and wishes that need to be respected and that is ok, it has to be for now. I am filled with gratitude that I was able to witness it even though some parts were incredibly hard to see, but I didn't do anything ... she did it all and nothing was harder than the choice that she made that day.

It was a perfect example of everything working in HIS time, not ours. A very real reminder that the best laid plans go awry.

This is what counts ... for me.

I sit here watching her and she doesn't even know it. She's eating her lunch at the kitchen counter and I am on the rocker glider that I have just recently moved into the living room because I just can't part with it even though my babies no longer need me to put them to sleep in it. Its familiar, and comforting.

She lets out a burp and says excuse me, but in true Karleigh fashion she sings the words "excuuuuuseeee meeee" even though shes unaware that anyone is listening, thats Karleigh.

She sees that I am here and walks over to me, I tell her before she reaches me, "just give me a minute sweetie" she tells me "I'm just wondering what yer doin" and I look at her, with her princess dress up clothes on, a tiara in her hair and her blue/green sundress hanging out the side because she didn't quite get it tucked in ... and love her just a tiny bit more than I did even a minute ago. I tell her I'm writing a quick blog, she walks over to the toy box, pulls out her leapfrog laptop and 5 seconds later I hear it say to her "new blog entry!" she's so smart ...

Sometimes my days are so full, others feel like they drag ... and lately, when I think about my baby starting Kindergarten in 3 months I wonder if I have done things right over the last 5 years as an at home mom. Have I played enough with them? Fed them all the right things? Do they know how much I love them?

They grow up so fast. I remember the first time that I said that out loud as a mom, I felt like I aged 10 years right then and there. It's so true though, they change before your eyes and one day you realize that even though you've been around for every single moment you're not sure when it all happened. I know exactly when they both took their first steps, I have photographed every memory possible but there are still parts that have been lost. A very real reminder that none of us are perfect, reassuring yet sad at the same time.

If I look at her just the right way I can see the tiny little face that looked up at me, minutes old and to whom I said "hi Karleigh ... I'm your mama" and those are the memories that count, for me. Those are the memories that I will hold onto forever. When one day I don't know what they are doing at every waking moment, I will remember those times, the ones I spent with them in this chair, and I will never forget them.