Dear 21 Year Old Me,
The guy that you just described to your parents, the one who is 31 and is a single dad with 2 kids (one of whom is closer to your age than he is) - he's a keeper.
The relationship that you just got out of that at times was so great and other times was so bad, you'll get over it, and you'll also realize that those bad times helped to shape a good portion of your life from there forward.
When she asks to help make dinner with you just let her, even if you feel like being alone at that stage of the day. In a couple of years she won't live with you and in a couple more after that you will wish that she did again.
When he drives you bonkers because he's so much like his dad and you just want him to be his own person, don't worry. He just thinks that his dad is the coolest, but in a few years he will change, become his own wonderful identity and you will wonder where that little guy went.
Right now it seems impossible. You may never understand how someone can live without their kids, and thats ok, you don't ever need to know. You might not agree with some of the things that have happened, and thats ok too, it wasn't your life and judging won't help anyone. Over the next 6 years though you will develop a soft spot in your heart for his ex-wife. You will realize one day that it's just there, no matter how much hurt has gone on between you or how you feel sometimes, it's so much better that way. You're no good at being unkind, let's be honest.
He will propose, you won't be the stepmom/mom with the partner whose divorce will never be finalized forever. Just be patient, I know that's not always your best quality but I promise it will be perfect.
When he dreams big, let him. He's a little quirky but he has amazing ideas and you will watch his dreams become reality and be so proud of him and so proud to be his wife.
In a few short months you will find out that you are pregnant, first you will learn never to take a test at work again but besides that you will be excited, after all this IS what you've always wanted. You will also be scared, don't be ... it will be just fine and SHE will be beautiful.
You will tell the other 2 that they are going to have a baby brother or sister. It will be a perfect moment, they will be excited - but you won't know for a few years how truly special it is for your babies to have these siblings. Big brother will be there for every milestone, every birthday, boo boo and tantrum and they will love him. Big sister however will miss a lot of this, enjoy the first few months with 2 daughters in the house and hold them close to your heart. Take lots of pictures and don't let them forget.
Keep dreaming about a Fairy Tale Wedding because my dear in about 3 years you will have it.
You will get to enjoy the "lets try to have a baby" moment that others experience, but it will be brief. The sweetest little man will pop into your life before you plan it - and he too will be beautiful.
Your children will have the 4 best Grandparents in the whole world.
At 23 you will find God, and the words 'beauty' 'grace' and 'faith' will take on entirely new meanings. wow.
Finally, 21 Year Old Me - at 27 you will look back at the last 6 years and wonder where they went, how you crammed so much into them and struggle to hang on to every single important moment even though you know that this is impossible but because that is what YOU do. Just enjoy all of the moments from here forward, know that you are one lucky lady and your life is so very full. Be thankful and whenever you can, help others to do the same.
You'll do great.
xxoo
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
I wish ... Wonder ... and am Thankful. But it still hurts.
I wish that I could always be as patient as I am with you. All of the kids deserve that, but instead I am pretty much spent after our conversations.
I wish that you could remember how beautiful you are.
I wish that you gave yourself credit, and had faith in yourself if nothing else.
I wish that I could believe everything that you say, the heart in me wants to but the gut tells me thats not a good idea.
I wish that you could see your Dad because sometimes I think you might know him even better than I do. When you are away its easy to pretend that he doesn't care, but if you were here that thought wouldn't even be an option.
I wish that sending you the money that you ask for would really make things better, if it could I would find millions and walk all the way just to give it to you, but it won't.
I wish that you knew your sister. You loved her before she was born and you held her when she was tiny, these days she refers to someone else as her "big sister" and I don't even have the strength to correct her because part of me feels that she is better off that way.
I wish that you knew your littlest brother - he has gorgeous blue eyes and he's so adorable. He thinks his big sister is something pretty special but if he knew he even had another big sister he would love you just the same.
I wish that I could make you understand that it hurts just to talk to you, but it lets me know that you are surviving and so I pick up the phone for my own piece of mind if not for any other reason. Maybe that's selfish ...
I wonder, when the first thing out of your mouth is "I don't have anyone" if you realize that you've just picked up the phone and reached out to me. You must know deep down that you have a huge family including parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins who love you ... what part of you allows that to be ignored?
I wish that you could see how great your other brother is, and be proud of him. He looked up to you once upon a time I think and now he is on his own, a shining example for the other 2.
I wish that you understood that if I could help you I would. We can provide a lot, but we cannot provide the kind of help that you need and that breaks my heart.
I wish that I did more when I could, but I have accepted that this was not because of us - that doesn't make it hurt any less though or take the sad parts away. It only reminds me of the long process that families go through in these times.
I told you today to only worry about the things that you can control - I wonder if you knew how much I was doing the same thing at that very moment.
I'm thankful for the strength to not break down and cry right along with you - but please don't think that I don't cry, I'm doing it right now.
I told you today that you are beautiful, and smart, and strong and that you can get better ... I just wish that you believed that as much as I do.
I wish that you could see that now is the time ... you literally have nothing ... to lose and everything to gain.
Isn't is weird how we write these things, knowing that the person will likely never read them? Yet its therapeutic all the same??
See? I guess we all need some sort of therapy at some point. It just looks and sounds different for everyone.
I wish that you could remember how beautiful you are.
I wish that you gave yourself credit, and had faith in yourself if nothing else.
I wish that I could believe everything that you say, the heart in me wants to but the gut tells me thats not a good idea.
I wish that you could see your Dad because sometimes I think you might know him even better than I do. When you are away its easy to pretend that he doesn't care, but if you were here that thought wouldn't even be an option.
I wish that sending you the money that you ask for would really make things better, if it could I would find millions and walk all the way just to give it to you, but it won't.
I wish that you knew your sister. You loved her before she was born and you held her when she was tiny, these days she refers to someone else as her "big sister" and I don't even have the strength to correct her because part of me feels that she is better off that way.
I wish that you knew your littlest brother - he has gorgeous blue eyes and he's so adorable. He thinks his big sister is something pretty special but if he knew he even had another big sister he would love you just the same.
I wish that I could make you understand that it hurts just to talk to you, but it lets me know that you are surviving and so I pick up the phone for my own piece of mind if not for any other reason. Maybe that's selfish ...
I wonder, when the first thing out of your mouth is "I don't have anyone" if you realize that you've just picked up the phone and reached out to me. You must know deep down that you have a huge family including parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins who love you ... what part of you allows that to be ignored?
I wish that you could see how great your other brother is, and be proud of him. He looked up to you once upon a time I think and now he is on his own, a shining example for the other 2.
I wish that you understood that if I could help you I would. We can provide a lot, but we cannot provide the kind of help that you need and that breaks my heart.
I wish that I did more when I could, but I have accepted that this was not because of us - that doesn't make it hurt any less though or take the sad parts away. It only reminds me of the long process that families go through in these times.
I told you today to only worry about the things that you can control - I wonder if you knew how much I was doing the same thing at that very moment.
I'm thankful for the strength to not break down and cry right along with you - but please don't think that I don't cry, I'm doing it right now.
I told you today that you are beautiful, and smart, and strong and that you can get better ... I just wish that you believed that as much as I do.
I wish that you could see that now is the time ... you literally have nothing ... to lose and everything to gain.
Isn't is weird how we write these things, knowing that the person will likely never read them? Yet its therapeutic all the same??
See? I guess we all need some sort of therapy at some point. It just looks and sounds different for everyone.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
only MY daughter
We were pretty sure right from the get go that Karleigh would one day be the class clown. She is way too quirky and random for it go to waste and I'm sure that I will be signing her up for musical theatre and/or drama very soon.
Besides that though, she is brilliant. I know I'm her mom so really what else would I say, but its true. She is so grown up for her little tiny age I amazes me still even though I now treat her as such and pretty much expect it, when I stop to think about it or when people (constantly) comment on it I realize that not every 4 year old is this way. All the while reminding me that my little monster of a son (aka most handsome little man on the planet) will very likely NOT be as grown up as Karleigh.
Ahhh I'll enjoy it while I can.
She has never been hard to discipline, if I ask her to take a time out while she calms down, she says "ok Mom" and goes to her room - returning a few minutes later to tell me that she's ok now. A couple of weeks ago Lane brought a car home for me to test drive, Keegan was napping and Tristan was home so we put KL's booster seat in the car and took her for a quick drive with us. Half way down the street this little voice in the back says "I don't like leaving the house without Keegy". We told her it was ok and that we weren't going for very long. A few minutes later that same voice "I really think we should go back for Keegan". I quickly realized that SHE forgot that Tristan was home and thought that we had left her little brother home all alone. The little mother in her could hardly stand it ...
A while ago now we realized she could read. We started to notice her reading more and more words all the time but were pretty sure that she had a photographic memory (ironic for MY daughter hey?? haha) and so was just simply remembering words that she saw more often than others. One night though, her and I were in a store and I could hear her behind me reading all of the headlines on the magazine rack. When we got home I opened a book for her and she read me the whole thing. Shes 4, has never gone to daycare and had just a few months of preschool at which I don't think they even worked on reading since it was a class for 3 year olds as well as 4. She can now pick up any book in our house, and I mean ANY book and read it to you. Including the "Birds of North America" reference book that she read at my parents house the other day and now lets me know all the types of birds that we have in our yard as she sees them.
Last night we were so blessed to be able to spend some time with Lanes cousin who lives in Hungary and her adorable little girl Emma. Karleigh remembers when Emma was here a year (or more?) ago and was SO excited to see her last night. It also helps that she thinks it's so cool that there is a place called "hungry". We were probably out way too late for the girls but they were way too cute together and had so much fun visiting.
When we got home I told Karleigh to go tell Daddy all about it - so she goes and tells him how great it was and how "awesome" Emma is etc. When I asked her to tell him where Emma is from though she said "I don't know" I told her "yes you do Karleigh, what is the word that we use when we need food?" and do you know what MY daughter said?
"Famished??"
Seriously ... shes 4, who says that!?
I love her, she is crazy, and she is funny and she is smart and I could not be more proud of her.
Enjoy these few photos of Emma and Karleigh together in the studio!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I had it all figured out ... HA!
I always knew exactly what I wanted, I just had no idea what that looked like.
I am a planner, I like to know whats going on at all times, I don't like change, and I'm not good with surprises. So naturally I had my whole life mapped out from a very young age. I was going to be a mom, have 4 kids, get married and have a very busy, happy, family filled life.
"HA! " I bet thats what God was thinking while I made these 'plans' for myself.
Like much in this world, I got exactly what I asked for ... word for word, and in that order.
I was a mom, before I ever had kids. I used to joke that 'I always wanted kids - I just wasn't very specific as to whose kids I wanted'. Someone else knew better what I needed though and being a stepmom was definitely part of it! So after I was a mom, I had kids, and just as much as I needed to love someone elses children as my own, I also needed my own babies and the connection that comes with that. I really don't like the term "stepson" and rarely refer to Tristan that way, it makes me feel as if he is separate from Karleigh and Keegan and thats not how I feel about him. He's with me just as much as they are, we don't ever set the table for 4 its always set for 5, he drives me crazy sometimes JUST like they do :) and Karleigh is very aware that she has 2 brothers not just one. On the other hand I can't and do not pretend that he is MINE, I did not give birth to him when I was 11, that would just be weird and I don't claim anything different.
So I got my 4 kids and I did get married, to my best friend and had the most perfect fairy tale Wedding Day that I could have ever imagined. It all came true for me but with a small reminder that I was not the one in charge. So while I had my fun, planned my life and dreamt in all into reality, or so I felt ... I was clearly not the one with the final say. Its a good thing too, some of the things in my life I had no idea that I needed yet I don't know how I could live without them.
This was very evident last night when Lane and I got home from his birthday dinner. We had a great evening just visiting with each other, no kids needing to be played with, fed or changed just the 2 of us. Every once in a while I come up with random questions about his life before me, I'm not sure if its because I haven't asked before or if I purposely block them out sometimes but it's strange being married to someone who was married before. This is another part of my life that I did not ask for, didn't expect and still haven't figured out its importance but I'm sure its there somewhere! It's not as big a deal as I once thought it would be, I definitely don't think about it everyday and it has little significance if any to my marriage today but it's always there, somewhere in the back. I can only compare it to my own marriage even though I know they are/were very different, and I guess thats the part that's hard to grasp - quickly making me realize why I don't need to talk or think about it often.
When we got home though, Tristan had put Karleigh to bed. As if he didn't already know, she told him "this is the first time you've put me to bed 'Swist' " which is her lispy name for him. He checked on Keegan too, little boy in his big bed who was of course awake still and pretending to go to sleep every time the door closed. Listening to him fill me in on the cute things that both of the littles did was amazing. It reminded me why we are all a family, weird ages and all. Our house wouldn't be the same without all 5 of us living in it. Karleigh wouldn't be the same if she only had one brother and not 2, Keegan wouldn't be the same without his big brother T-T and thats becoming more and more obvious. Tristan wouldn't be the same if he was not around 100% of the time to meet new baby siblings in the hospital, watch for himself the way Dad and I love each other and respect one another (MOST of the time) and my marriage would not be the same if we didn't have the ability to go for coffee together or dinner once in a while knowing that the big kids can look after the little ones and I don't have the struggle of searching for a babysitter. All of these things that I had no idea I even needed ...
Yes, I had the perfect plan ... and it was perfectly altered. I only wish that Logan was still a part of our home and knew her brothers and sister better but I know in my heart that there is a reason for this also, one of the 'unknowns' that is just tougher to accept.
My household is a daily reminder that everything happens for a reason, that no matter how well we think we have things together - we can so quickly be surprised. Its also a reminder to have faith, if you find yourself at 21 with a 10 and 14 year old, stick it out ... because that recipe for disaster might just turn out to be something fabulous!
I am a planner, I like to know whats going on at all times, I don't like change, and I'm not good with surprises. So naturally I had my whole life mapped out from a very young age. I was going to be a mom, have 4 kids, get married and have a very busy, happy, family filled life.
"HA! " I bet thats what God was thinking while I made these 'plans' for myself.
Like much in this world, I got exactly what I asked for ... word for word, and in that order.
I was a mom, before I ever had kids. I used to joke that 'I always wanted kids - I just wasn't very specific as to whose kids I wanted'. Someone else knew better what I needed though and being a stepmom was definitely part of it! So after I was a mom, I had kids, and just as much as I needed to love someone elses children as my own, I also needed my own babies and the connection that comes with that. I really don't like the term "stepson" and rarely refer to Tristan that way, it makes me feel as if he is separate from Karleigh and Keegan and thats not how I feel about him. He's with me just as much as they are, we don't ever set the table for 4 its always set for 5, he drives me crazy sometimes JUST like they do :) and Karleigh is very aware that she has 2 brothers not just one. On the other hand I can't and do not pretend that he is MINE, I did not give birth to him when I was 11, that would just be weird and I don't claim anything different.
So I got my 4 kids and I did get married, to my best friend and had the most perfect fairy tale Wedding Day that I could have ever imagined. It all came true for me but with a small reminder that I was not the one in charge. So while I had my fun, planned my life and dreamt in all into reality, or so I felt ... I was clearly not the one with the final say. Its a good thing too, some of the things in my life I had no idea that I needed yet I don't know how I could live without them.
This was very evident last night when Lane and I got home from his birthday dinner. We had a great evening just visiting with each other, no kids needing to be played with, fed or changed just the 2 of us. Every once in a while I come up with random questions about his life before me, I'm not sure if its because I haven't asked before or if I purposely block them out sometimes but it's strange being married to someone who was married before. This is another part of my life that I did not ask for, didn't expect and still haven't figured out its importance but I'm sure its there somewhere! It's not as big a deal as I once thought it would be, I definitely don't think about it everyday and it has little significance if any to my marriage today but it's always there, somewhere in the back. I can only compare it to my own marriage even though I know they are/were very different, and I guess thats the part that's hard to grasp - quickly making me realize why I don't need to talk or think about it often.
When we got home though, Tristan had put Karleigh to bed. As if he didn't already know, she told him "this is the first time you've put me to bed 'Swist' " which is her lispy name for him. He checked on Keegan too, little boy in his big bed who was of course awake still and pretending to go to sleep every time the door closed. Listening to him fill me in on the cute things that both of the littles did was amazing. It reminded me why we are all a family, weird ages and all. Our house wouldn't be the same without all 5 of us living in it. Karleigh wouldn't be the same if she only had one brother and not 2, Keegan wouldn't be the same without his big brother T-T and thats becoming more and more obvious. Tristan wouldn't be the same if he was not around 100% of the time to meet new baby siblings in the hospital, watch for himself the way Dad and I love each other and respect one another (MOST of the time) and my marriage would not be the same if we didn't have the ability to go for coffee together or dinner once in a while knowing that the big kids can look after the little ones and I don't have the struggle of searching for a babysitter. All of these things that I had no idea I even needed ...
Yes, I had the perfect plan ... and it was perfectly altered. I only wish that Logan was still a part of our home and knew her brothers and sister better but I know in my heart that there is a reason for this also, one of the 'unknowns' that is just tougher to accept.
My household is a daily reminder that everything happens for a reason, that no matter how well we think we have things together - we can so quickly be surprised. Its also a reminder to have faith, if you find yourself at 21 with a 10 and 14 year old, stick it out ... because that recipe for disaster might just turn out to be something fabulous!
Monday, May 16, 2011
I don't care who you are thankful to, but please be thankful.
I use the word "blessed" quite frequently. I think that this bothers people sometimes, as if they scour peoples posts, statuses or blogs for the word and then immediately jump to "oh, they're Christian" as if that somehow changes them and they assume that "we" don't have the ability to feel blessed by anything or anyone but God.
Don't get me wrong, I thank God for SO many of the things in my life, I believe that with my whole heart - but I also believe that I am blessed by my husband with a friendship and a love that I could have never imagined. I believe that I am blessed by my kids for filling my life with more than I ever knew I could fit into it, and I am blessed by my friends, the people in my life, everyone that I am surrounded by, whether I chose them on purpose or they were put there just for me.
We spent this weekend in Vancouver, we've been promising our 15 year old (my stepson) for a very long time that we would take him for a couple of days just for a fun trip and life and business always seem to get in the way so this time we planned it, and we did it - nothing in the way :) We even brought his girlfriend along with us! I'm thankful that he not only wants to spend time with us still but that he even seems to enjoy it. Do the free dinners out make it more enjoyable for him? Probably, but I'll just pretend that he loves us THAT much.
Saturday Morning we were getting ready to head downtown, quick stop at Starbucks and we would be on our way. We all ordered, and we waited, and then waited some more and then were told that about half of what we had ordered couldn't be made because they didn't have the things necessary etc, etc. Not a huge deal, just sort of annoying. But they gave us something else instead plus some free drinks and we were out of there.
Before I explain what happened next let me just say this ... besides some of the major hurdles and struggles in my life (which you may or may not know about depending on how much of this blog you have read) things like that are about as bad as it gets. I don't even have to MAKE the coffee myself, so do I really care if they forget to put the Vanilla in my latte or don't have the banana for my smoothie? No, not really - I'll add it when I get home. I order pizza for my family on most Fridays and I always think its funny when they tell me ... "ohhh, that might be about 7 or 8 minutes" .... 7-8 minutes? Take 15 minutes, I dont care! I dont have to cook it and I can see my kids from here watching a movie in the car ... take all the time you want lady :) I can't be that spoiled, I just can't ... and heres why.
As we left Starbucks to head downtown we drove by a house, a driveway, and something I won't soon forget. It was grey and rainy out (typical Vancouver day) and I could see 2 people standing on a driveway. As we got closer I saw luggage in his hands, and then I saw her. Probably the saddest face I have ever seen, just sobbing and even though it was silent from inside the car I felt like I could hear her cries. Clearly he was leaving, and not for a business trip or a "see you later" sort of thing. I thought to myself, this is what it looks like when your love leaves you. It was right there infront of me, standing in the rain, drenched and crying.
So for the husband I was sitting beside, for the latte that was in my hand, and for the 8 minute pizza I consider myself blessed. I am nowhere near where those 2 were and I am so thankful, and its important to me that I acknowledge that.
I don't care who you thank for the things in your life, if you don't have faith in a God do I wish for your sake that you did? Sure, but whats even more important and what I really care about, is that you thank someone, ANYone for your blessings, because we all have them. No matter how bad our day might be, someone elses is always worse. I believe that my outside struggles are so minimal because the ones on the inside of our family are quite substantial and we are never given more than we can handle, so for that, for those tiny bumps in my day - I am thankful, I am blessed.
*here are a few photos from our weekend*
Don't get me wrong, I thank God for SO many of the things in my life, I believe that with my whole heart - but I also believe that I am blessed by my husband with a friendship and a love that I could have never imagined. I believe that I am blessed by my kids for filling my life with more than I ever knew I could fit into it, and I am blessed by my friends, the people in my life, everyone that I am surrounded by, whether I chose them on purpose or they were put there just for me.
We spent this weekend in Vancouver, we've been promising our 15 year old (my stepson) for a very long time that we would take him for a couple of days just for a fun trip and life and business always seem to get in the way so this time we planned it, and we did it - nothing in the way :) We even brought his girlfriend along with us! I'm thankful that he not only wants to spend time with us still but that he even seems to enjoy it. Do the free dinners out make it more enjoyable for him? Probably, but I'll just pretend that he loves us THAT much.
Saturday Morning we were getting ready to head downtown, quick stop at Starbucks and we would be on our way. We all ordered, and we waited, and then waited some more and then were told that about half of what we had ordered couldn't be made because they didn't have the things necessary etc, etc. Not a huge deal, just sort of annoying. But they gave us something else instead plus some free drinks and we were out of there.
Before I explain what happened next let me just say this ... besides some of the major hurdles and struggles in my life (which you may or may not know about depending on how much of this blog you have read) things like that are about as bad as it gets. I don't even have to MAKE the coffee myself, so do I really care if they forget to put the Vanilla in my latte or don't have the banana for my smoothie? No, not really - I'll add it when I get home. I order pizza for my family on most Fridays and I always think its funny when they tell me ... "ohhh, that might be about 7 or 8 minutes" .... 7-8 minutes? Take 15 minutes, I dont care! I dont have to cook it and I can see my kids from here watching a movie in the car ... take all the time you want lady :) I can't be that spoiled, I just can't ... and heres why.
As we left Starbucks to head downtown we drove by a house, a driveway, and something I won't soon forget. It was grey and rainy out (typical Vancouver day) and I could see 2 people standing on a driveway. As we got closer I saw luggage in his hands, and then I saw her. Probably the saddest face I have ever seen, just sobbing and even though it was silent from inside the car I felt like I could hear her cries. Clearly he was leaving, and not for a business trip or a "see you later" sort of thing. I thought to myself, this is what it looks like when your love leaves you. It was right there infront of me, standing in the rain, drenched and crying.
So for the husband I was sitting beside, for the latte that was in my hand, and for the 8 minute pizza I consider myself blessed. I am nowhere near where those 2 were and I am so thankful, and its important to me that I acknowledge that.
I don't care who you thank for the things in your life, if you don't have faith in a God do I wish for your sake that you did? Sure, but whats even more important and what I really care about, is that you thank someone, ANYone for your blessings, because we all have them. No matter how bad our day might be, someone elses is always worse. I believe that my outside struggles are so minimal because the ones on the inside of our family are quite substantial and we are never given more than we can handle, so for that, for those tiny bumps in my day - I am thankful, I am blessed.
*here are a few photos from our weekend*
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Night Night - MA!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I have 2 of the best sleepers in the history of kids! I know, I know, someone of you hate me after reading only that first sentence but lets be serious, they will make up for it at some point I'm sure. If you've read any of my previous posts, some of our kids already ARE making up for it actually, but thats not what this is about.
Karleigh and Keegan (my littles) are 2.5 years apart, Keegans crib converts into a double bed and Karleigh was in a toddler bed at he time he was born. Naturally I figured we will just wait until they are both ready (because in my perfect life this will happen exactly as I plan it right?? LOL) and then just switch them, Keegan into the toddler and Karleigh into a double.
A few months ago it became very obvious that while I wasn't sure if Keeg was ready for his new bed, Karleigh definitely was. So we made the switch - SANS bed frame for Karleigh just yet and just put her new mattress and bedding on the floor, moving the toddler bed into Keegans room while his crib was still in there just incase.
Up to this point he has had little interest, hasn't complained at all but when I have tried to put him in the toddler he starts off like its a fun game, "night night, MA! (blowing kisses) etc. but when he realizes that I am serious he looks at me like I'm crazy, grabs his buzz lightyear, his woody AND his hat (very particular about that hat) his larry the cucumber, his handy manny, the other buzz (smaller and stuffed) and stands by his crib as if to say "ok mom, jokes over". At first I was worried, much like a big kid with a soother I thought, I don't want to be THAT mom with the kid still in the crib. However, I then thought to myself - this kid sleeps 13 hours solid every night, maybe more ... if its not broke, what the hell am I doing!? I mean, don't fix it ... right?
Last night started off like every other night, "ok Keeg its bedtime", up the stairs, "heres all your 'guys' and night night". He blows me a kiss "MA!" and I turn off the light. When I left the room though he started crying, which is unlike him, so I went in. He reached up asking for "nuggles" which is also unlike him so I picked him up and sat down on the closest thing, the toddler bed. We rocked for a few minutes and sang quietly just like when he was a baby, perfect moments for a mama. Once he was relaxed again I put him back into his crib, just as I was about to close the door though he reached out again, clearly wanting something specific so I took him out, put him down and he ran straight for his big boy bed, climbed in and pulled the covers up! "Night, night ... MA!" I couldn't believe it, so I sat with him for quite a while, making sure he was really quiet. I sang a few more songs, and before I knew it he was singing to me! The Veggie Tales theme song LOL one of his favourites and not really a bed time song but whatever, and telling me all kinds of stories. I couldn't believe how big he seemed, chatting away to me in his own language and his facial expressions that said he ABSOLUTELY knew what he was talking about even if I couldn't make out every word. At one point, because it was so dark all I could see was his little face lit up by the tiny crack under his blinds, I couldn't see his boyish jammies or the boyish toys that were all around him or even much of his short hair, but as I watched him he looked exactly like Karleigh did. I've never seen them look SO identical and yes, it made me cry ... When did they both get so big?
Now for a dose of reality because I always love to share that I do in fact have that - I probably went into Keegans room 10 or 15 times last night between 7:30 and 9:30 pm because I could hear him scampering around his room, checking out all the stuff that he normally can't reach in the middle of the night and flicking his light on and off. At one point I heard a thud, I went in and saw him on the floor looking quite confused ... as if to tell me "Mom, how come I can fall out of this bed but not my other one" haha he wasn't crying at all just confused. I eventually put him back in his crib and he is still sleeping .... I might have had a selfish moment wondering what time he would be in my room this morning if I left him in the bed all night.
Some might look at that as a step backwards and thats ok, for me, I'm happy that he thinks the toddler bed is cool now. I'm happy that we shared those moments because they were priceless. I'm happy that we are on the right track and as I also say about the "big kids" with soothers or the non-potty trained ones, they won't be like that forever, it just won't happen, eventually they all learn.
So with that, I'm also happy that he was asleep 5 minutes after being in his crib, I got to sleep all night like usual and I might just have a few more days of him sleeping 13 hours before I am back to the toddler at my bedside at 5 or 6 am, grumpy by 10am and all the fun that comes with it. I have done that once, and I'm in no hurry to be there again - I think I'll enjoy this for a while longer.
Night Night - Ma!
Karleigh and Keegan (my littles) are 2.5 years apart, Keegans crib converts into a double bed and Karleigh was in a toddler bed at he time he was born. Naturally I figured we will just wait until they are both ready (because in my perfect life this will happen exactly as I plan it right?? LOL) and then just switch them, Keegan into the toddler and Karleigh into a double.
A few months ago it became very obvious that while I wasn't sure if Keeg was ready for his new bed, Karleigh definitely was. So we made the switch - SANS bed frame for Karleigh just yet and just put her new mattress and bedding on the floor, moving the toddler bed into Keegans room while his crib was still in there just incase.
Up to this point he has had little interest, hasn't complained at all but when I have tried to put him in the toddler he starts off like its a fun game, "night night, MA! (blowing kisses) etc. but when he realizes that I am serious he looks at me like I'm crazy, grabs his buzz lightyear, his woody AND his hat (very particular about that hat) his larry the cucumber, his handy manny, the other buzz (smaller and stuffed) and stands by his crib as if to say "ok mom, jokes over". At first I was worried, much like a big kid with a soother I thought, I don't want to be THAT mom with the kid still in the crib. However, I then thought to myself - this kid sleeps 13 hours solid every night, maybe more ... if its not broke, what the hell am I doing!? I mean, don't fix it ... right?
Last night started off like every other night, "ok Keeg its bedtime", up the stairs, "heres all your 'guys' and night night". He blows me a kiss "MA!" and I turn off the light. When I left the room though he started crying, which is unlike him, so I went in. He reached up asking for "nuggles" which is also unlike him so I picked him up and sat down on the closest thing, the toddler bed. We rocked for a few minutes and sang quietly just like when he was a baby, perfect moments for a mama. Once he was relaxed again I put him back into his crib, just as I was about to close the door though he reached out again, clearly wanting something specific so I took him out, put him down and he ran straight for his big boy bed, climbed in and pulled the covers up! "Night, night ... MA!" I couldn't believe it, so I sat with him for quite a while, making sure he was really quiet. I sang a few more songs, and before I knew it he was singing to me! The Veggie Tales theme song LOL one of his favourites and not really a bed time song but whatever, and telling me all kinds of stories. I couldn't believe how big he seemed, chatting away to me in his own language and his facial expressions that said he ABSOLUTELY knew what he was talking about even if I couldn't make out every word. At one point, because it was so dark all I could see was his little face lit up by the tiny crack under his blinds, I couldn't see his boyish jammies or the boyish toys that were all around him or even much of his short hair, but as I watched him he looked exactly like Karleigh did. I've never seen them look SO identical and yes, it made me cry ... When did they both get so big?
Now for a dose of reality because I always love to share that I do in fact have that - I probably went into Keegans room 10 or 15 times last night between 7:30 and 9:30 pm because I could hear him scampering around his room, checking out all the stuff that he normally can't reach in the middle of the night and flicking his light on and off. At one point I heard a thud, I went in and saw him on the floor looking quite confused ... as if to tell me "Mom, how come I can fall out of this bed but not my other one" haha he wasn't crying at all just confused. I eventually put him back in his crib and he is still sleeping .... I might have had a selfish moment wondering what time he would be in my room this morning if I left him in the bed all night.
Some might look at that as a step backwards and thats ok, for me, I'm happy that he thinks the toddler bed is cool now. I'm happy that we shared those moments because they were priceless. I'm happy that we are on the right track and as I also say about the "big kids" with soothers or the non-potty trained ones, they won't be like that forever, it just won't happen, eventually they all learn.
So with that, I'm also happy that he was asleep 5 minutes after being in his crib, I got to sleep all night like usual and I might just have a few more days of him sleeping 13 hours before I am back to the toddler at my bedside at 5 or 6 am, grumpy by 10am and all the fun that comes with it. I have done that once, and I'm in no hurry to be there again - I think I'll enjoy this for a while longer.
Night Night - Ma!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
wonder what this year will bring ...
I had a birthday ... another one. I have one annually, usually around the same time, but this one just felt extra blessed.
The power of facebook amazes me. Nearly 90 people took time out of their day to send me a birthday wish (I counted, yes, I'm a dork) There were words like "beautiful" and "adorable" and "sweet" among those messages and I was blown away. I know that on any given day there are multiple people with the status "Thanks everyone for all the birthday wishes" but the day after MY birthday I wished I could see all 90 of those people in person so that they could see on my face how TRULY thankful I was that they made an effort to acknowledge me that day. Such a simple reminder of how our actions can effect others, so if you were in that group of people, I thank you again ... you made my day and I was humbled by your kindness.
The rest of my day was awesome! I went for coffee with my handsome husband in the morning, had my family over for brunch, and celebrated with some of my sweetest friends that night over dinner and drinks (and a surprise ice cream cake!) every free moment in between that I was laying in the sunshine since it was 20 degrees outside that day and I even snuck in a little nap in the afternoon. Keegan woke me up, only to snuggle in next to me and Karleigh followed shortly after, I was the happiest mom in the world!
Now lets be serious, my day couldn't have really been THAT perfect and for all of you who are practically gagging at this point I will throw in the bit of real life that I am in fact a part of. I wish that all of my kids could have been there with me, or all of my family for that matter. One was sick :( one was away at a retreat, one of my kids was at work and the other ... well, they were in jail.
Have you picked your jaw up off the floor yet?? Yes, its still me ... the same me that I was 10 seconds ago before you read that. Its my life ... and I can't pretend that its any different.
People often think that I have a perfect life, they think that because I am blessed with a wonderful family vacation each year and the flexibility to travel with my Photography business, because I adore my husband and I have beautiful kids, including one of the only nearly-perfect teenage sons left on the planet, they think thats where it ends, but its never really that way, is it?
I choose to see the bright side, I choose to see the smiles on my kids faces and deal quickly with the tears so that we can move onto something better. I choose to see my husbands quirks (there are QUITE the lot if you know him) as something, as he says ... that I will miss when he is gone one day haha and I choose to see all the beauty that is in my family because there is SO much of it. I also choose to share THOSE parts with the rest of you because that is the way that I want you to think of me. However, I also want those of you who might not live the great parts of my life, who maybe don't feel like they are as blessed, who feel like the crap is just piling up on them to know, that I have my own pile too, and its large.
Life is what we make of it, and while I do not ignore the ugly parts, I have worked hard to let the good far outweigh the bad.
So I wonder, what will happen in my 27th year. I feel a very strong push to share more this year, to reach out more and to support more. At this point I'm not entirely sure what that looks like. I have a lot of people to consider if I am going to "share" and I need it to be ok with those people before I do so ... but if I do ... I think it will be something great.
If you have any thoughts, and we all do ... I'd love to hear them.
*heres a couple of birthday Photos, the first is Danielle and I (we've been friends for 6 years and I probably see her the most often and only recently, specifically the last 2 weeks when I have really needed a friend, a real friend, to pray for my family or to count on ... have I noticed how much I really love our friendship ... my homemade raspberry ice cream completely sealed the deal too!)
The power of facebook amazes me. Nearly 90 people took time out of their day to send me a birthday wish (I counted, yes, I'm a dork) There were words like "beautiful" and "adorable" and "sweet" among those messages and I was blown away. I know that on any given day there are multiple people with the status "Thanks everyone for all the birthday wishes" but the day after MY birthday I wished I could see all 90 of those people in person so that they could see on my face how TRULY thankful I was that they made an effort to acknowledge me that day. Such a simple reminder of how our actions can effect others, so if you were in that group of people, I thank you again ... you made my day and I was humbled by your kindness.
The rest of my day was awesome! I went for coffee with my handsome husband in the morning, had my family over for brunch, and celebrated with some of my sweetest friends that night over dinner and drinks (and a surprise ice cream cake!) every free moment in between that I was laying in the sunshine since it was 20 degrees outside that day and I even snuck in a little nap in the afternoon. Keegan woke me up, only to snuggle in next to me and Karleigh followed shortly after, I was the happiest mom in the world!
Now lets be serious, my day couldn't have really been THAT perfect and for all of you who are practically gagging at this point I will throw in the bit of real life that I am in fact a part of. I wish that all of my kids could have been there with me, or all of my family for that matter. One was sick :( one was away at a retreat, one of my kids was at work and the other ... well, they were in jail.
Have you picked your jaw up off the floor yet?? Yes, its still me ... the same me that I was 10 seconds ago before you read that. Its my life ... and I can't pretend that its any different.
People often think that I have a perfect life, they think that because I am blessed with a wonderful family vacation each year and the flexibility to travel with my Photography business, because I adore my husband and I have beautiful kids, including one of the only nearly-perfect teenage sons left on the planet, they think thats where it ends, but its never really that way, is it?
I choose to see the bright side, I choose to see the smiles on my kids faces and deal quickly with the tears so that we can move onto something better. I choose to see my husbands quirks (there are QUITE the lot if you know him) as something, as he says ... that I will miss when he is gone one day haha and I choose to see all the beauty that is in my family because there is SO much of it. I also choose to share THOSE parts with the rest of you because that is the way that I want you to think of me. However, I also want those of you who might not live the great parts of my life, who maybe don't feel like they are as blessed, who feel like the crap is just piling up on them to know, that I have my own pile too, and its large.
Life is what we make of it, and while I do not ignore the ugly parts, I have worked hard to let the good far outweigh the bad.
So I wonder, what will happen in my 27th year. I feel a very strong push to share more this year, to reach out more and to support more. At this point I'm not entirely sure what that looks like. I have a lot of people to consider if I am going to "share" and I need it to be ok with those people before I do so ... but if I do ... I think it will be something great.
If you have any thoughts, and we all do ... I'd love to hear them.
*heres a couple of birthday Photos, the first is Danielle and I (we've been friends for 6 years and I probably see her the most often and only recently, specifically the last 2 weeks when I have really needed a friend, a real friend, to pray for my family or to count on ... have I noticed how much I really love our friendship ... my homemade raspberry ice cream completely sealed the deal too!)
Lane, Karleigh and I.
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