I had it all figured out ... HA!

I always knew exactly what I wanted, I just had no idea what that looked like.

I am a planner, I like to know whats going on at all times, I don't like change, and I'm not good with surprises. So naturally I had my whole life mapped out from a very young age. I was going to be a mom, have 4 kids, get married and have a very busy, happy, family filled life.

"HA! " I bet thats what God was thinking while I made these 'plans' for myself.

Like much in this world, I got exactly what I asked for ... word for word, and in that order.

I was a mom, before I ever had kids. I used to joke that 'I always wanted kids - I just wasn't very specific as to whose kids I wanted'. Someone else knew better what I needed though and being a stepmom was definitely part of it! So after I was a mom, I had kids, and just as much as I needed to love someone elses children as my own, I also needed my own babies and the connection that comes with that. I really don't like the term "stepson" and rarely refer to Tristan that way, it makes me feel as if he is separate from Karleigh and Keegan and thats not how I feel about him. He's with me just as much as they are, we don't ever set the table for 4 its always set for 5, he drives me crazy sometimes JUST like they do :) and Karleigh is very aware that she has 2 brothers not just one. On the other hand I can't and do not pretend that he is MINE, I did not give birth to him when I was 11, that would just be weird and I don't claim anything different.

So I got my 4 kids and I did get married, to my best friend and had the most perfect fairy tale Wedding Day that I could have ever imagined. It all came true for me but with a small reminder that I was not the one in charge. So while I had my fun, planned my life and dreamt in all into reality, or so I felt ... I was clearly not the one with the final say. Its a good thing too, some of the things in my life I had no idea that I needed yet I don't know how I could live without them.

This was very evident last night when Lane and I got home from his birthday dinner. We had a great evening just visiting with each other, no kids needing to be played with, fed or changed just the 2 of us. Every once in a while I come up with random questions about his life before me, I'm not sure if its because I haven't asked before or if I purposely block them out sometimes but it's strange being married to someone who was married before. This is another part of my life that I did not ask for, didn't expect and still haven't figured out its importance but I'm sure its there somewhere! It's not as big a deal as I once thought it would be, I definitely don't think about it everyday and it has little significance if any to my marriage today but it's always there, somewhere in the back. I can only compare it to my own marriage even though I know they are/were very different, and I guess thats the part that's hard to grasp - quickly making me realize why I don't need to talk or think about it often.

When we got home though, Tristan had put Karleigh to bed. As if he didn't already know, she told him "this is the first time you've put me to bed 'Swist' " which is her lispy name for him. He checked on Keegan too, little boy in his big bed who was of course awake still and pretending to go to sleep every time the door closed. Listening to him fill me in on the cute things that both of the littles did was amazing. It reminded me why we are all a family, weird ages and all. Our house wouldn't be the same without all 5 of us living in it. Karleigh wouldn't be the same if she only had one brother and not 2, Keegan wouldn't be the same without his big brother T-T and thats becoming more and more obvious. Tristan wouldn't be the same if he was not around 100% of the time to meet new baby siblings in the hospital, watch for himself the way Dad and I love each other and respect one another (MOST of the time) and my marriage would not be the same if we didn't have the ability to go for coffee together or dinner once in a while knowing that the big kids can look after the little ones and I don't have the struggle of searching for a babysitter. All of these things that I had no idea I even needed ...

Yes, I had the perfect plan ... and it was perfectly altered. I only wish that Logan was still a part of our home and knew her brothers and sister better but I know in my heart that there is a reason for this also,  one of the 'unknowns' that is just tougher to accept.

My household is a daily reminder that everything happens for a reason, that no matter how well we think we have things together - we can so quickly be surprised. Its also a reminder to have faith, if you find yourself at 21 with a 10 and 14 year old, stick it out ... because that recipe for disaster might just turn out to be something fabulous!