Im angry. At you, at it, and at the whole thing.

I've picked up the phone to call. I've started to write texts that I have told myself not to send. I have searched for anyone on Facebook that I think might have some information ... and I have turned the computer off.

This is all so beyond my control and I have to tell myself that every, single, day.

It was 3 months this week since I have heard from you. I saw that day coming on the calendar and thought no, I will hear from her before then ... but nothing. Just like when I sent all those messages, every single day hoping to awaken a memory in you or spark something, but nothing. Just like when your little sisters birthday came and went. I was sure that I would hear from you because every year you surprise me and remember her special day ... nothing. I checked with your mom and thought maybe she had heard from you and hadn't let me know yet, but I was wrong.

I saw this whole scenario coming but I kept telling myself that this was not going to happen again. Things were going well between us. We saw you, we spent time with you, we took a picture of all 4 kids for the first time in 4 years. I look at that image now and I know that it was, like everything else, part of a plan. It wasn't the amazing new start that I'd hoped it was, it was just another piece to our puzzle. Another memory to add to our bank. I am thankful that I have those images, but I can't look at them right now.

I am angry. I'm angry that addiction tears families apart. I am angry that you are in a toxic relationship. I am angry that you won't let us help you. I am angry that you think this is a healthy way to live.

Im angry that addiction is manipulative and it lies and that it has fooled family members into believing you are "OK" when we know without a single doubt that you are not. I can't make them acknowledge that though.

I am also angry at myself.  I know that nobody chose this, and that anger will not help anyone. Not us, and not you, and I know that. I know that my anger is really sadness and helplessness but if I call it anger I feel tougher about it. I'm afraid that if I look at it for what it is, it will just be a place I can't go to again.

As long as you continue down this path I have to hide all of this away, in a spot in the very back of my mind. I can't let it take over because then addiction wins and that just won't happen.

So rather then text you again, or try to contact someone who might know SOMEthing ... I choose this. It helps me in a tiny way by letting it out, and maybe it will help someone else who will stumble upon it someday. It has happened for me in the past and I know that even though we don't hear about it, we are not the only ones in this position.

The fact that I am a worrier makes me think years down the road and what this will do to you brothers and your sister. It's not your fault that my mind goes there, but I do wish that it all meant something to you. I wish that being a big sister to them was enough for you. I wish that something inside of you would turn back on and bring you home, or at least back to our lives, but I have accepted that that may never happen.

For now, for the last 3 months, and for the sake of choosing to be a good mother to the other 3, I will just pray that you are safe, that you are alive, and that somewhere inside you still know that you are loved unconditionally ... even if sometimes we are angry.

Dear B.

Its been almost a year since my last post. Today seems like the perfect time.

My mom turns 60 today. She dislikes this immensely and probably will dislike that I have now broadcasted it for her, but she won't be surprised *wink*

So here goes ...

Dear B.

See I haven't even typed a word yet into the body of this and I already need a tissue, this is how I know that I am exactly like you, you probably just went and got one too. The truth is that you are like your mom too, and I bet just like me, you never thought you wanted to be that way ... but it's how we ended up and we are both secretly happy about it.

I spent a lot of time as a strong teenager letting you know all of the things that I thought you were doing wrong, but I'm not sure if I ever told you all of the things that I think you did right.

You taught me first and foremost to be kind. I'll never forget the time that I rolled my eyes at my grouchy old bus driver after he smiled and waved at me and how disappointed you were in me for not smiling back at him.

You taught me not to judge. I dont think that I have ever seen you non-accepting of someone or their ways or form an opinion of someone before giving them a full 100% chance.

You taught me that love is all we need. This, sometimes I still struggle with. I would like to say that no, I also need boots, bags, and other cute things but you are right. Love is all we need and I have never had a lack of love from you, nor have my babies, your grand babies.

You have ZERO drama. I can't say that I inherited this but if there was one quality of yours that I wish I did it would be this one ... I blame Dad for my "flair"

You always told me that I was beautiful, even when I know I was awkward ... but I understand now that little girls are always beautiful in their mommys eyes.

You taught me to forgive.
Actually if I am being honest I don't remember this lesson coming from you but somehow I picked it up and I know it wasn't from Dad.

You taught me what it looks like to be a loyal, loving, supportive wife. I will insert credit for Dad here too since I seem to be picking on him :) you both have been an amazing example of unending love. When I was younger it made me want to barph, but I get it now. Thank you for not changing just because your rude daughter thought you guys were too old to hug or kiss still.

Lastly, and one of the MOST important ... you taught me not to care what others think. I haven't done very well with this. I care what everyone thinks. I worry like crazy and I know that I get that from you. Funny enough, just like you, I try to teach MY daughter the same thing even though I haven't yet grasped it myself. Nana was a worrier, you are a worrier, I am a worrier and little KL is a worrier too.

So you're 60. Well you would tell me (and you know that I hate when you say this to me) "JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT" :)

You are the mom and Grandma that I never knew you could be or would be (I know that you know me well enough to take that as a compliment) and you are one of my best friends. If 60 is what it took for us to get here ... then bring on 60!!

I love you, Happy Birthday Mom.


PS Im crying ... and it's all your fault! xo