It's been about 6 weeks since my last post. Not that there haven't been things going on, but I just haven't had the energy to blog about them. You can try only so much with certain things, but when they start to effect your everyday life, your marriage, and your kids ... enough is enough. Not all things are mine to "mend" and I need to remind myself of that.
I was waiting, sure that something would come along, or happen and I would have that "AHA!" moment and know exactly what I should write about. Well it did, but not nearly in the form that I thought it would. I was expecting something bubbly and happy, maybe even funny. Instead I got this ...
My sweet 5 year old will not put her head under water. I mean seriously, won't do it. We are on round 4 of the same level in swimming because she is just determined that there is another way to swim and play in the water and even surf one day, without ever having to do this.
I've been trying, I tell her when we go to lessons that she needs to really try and be brave, and to ask her teacher for help is she is scared. She won't do it. I've tried putting her in the shower, she hates it. I've tried telling her that she needs to learn before we go to Hawaii or she won't be able to go in the pool, she says ok, but nothing changes.
A few nights ago I tried pouring water over her head. Before you judge me ... I totally gave her warning. I told her what I was going to do, told her to close her eyes, explained it entirely ... out came the water, and oh MY word the blood curdling screams that came out of that girl were enough to make my skin crawl. I hauled her out, bath time was over.
Don't ask me why I thought trying that again tonight would be a smart idea, but I did. Told her a long time before she went into the tub that this is what we were going to do, told her as she was getting in ... when she came running into my office totally naked telling me that she was finished her bath, in a panic because she knew that the "water over the head time" must be coming soon ... I should have let it be, but I didn't. I got her back in the tub, and once again told her "ok, close your eyes. Water doesn't hurt your eyes, its ok"
The first time ... fine. Second time ... fine. Third time ... blood curdling screams. She threw the monster of all 5 year old fits and I threw the monster of all terrible mother fits. Out of the bath, into her towel, into her room and told her that's fine, when we go away on vacation she can just stay home because she obviously doesn't want to listen or try.
What kind of a Mother am I!? Who was that crazy lady telling her little girl these things ...
When we both calmed down I went back into her room to help her get ready for bed, brush her hair (that never did get washed because of our episode) and to talk to her. I asked her what she was feeling. "Sad." I asked her why. "Because you told me that you were going to leave me here and you promised me that you would never leave me"
Now we are both crying. Poor little Angel.
I turned her around and told her that she was absolutely right, I won't ever leave her (in some houses this holds more value than others and in ours its a big deal) I had no idea that was the answer that she would give me. No idea that her little heart even remembered things like that. I was so proud of her for sticking up for herself that way, and so ashamed of myself for making her have to. Good Mom's don't do that, I'm a good Mom, I can't do that.
We have agreed now if she thinks I am getting mad and she doesn't like it she can tell me that I need to have a time out. *I have no doubt that she will use this very soon whether its necessary or not*
My job is to be the safe place for my babies. I need to remember also that they will not always BE babies, and one day they will say something that will very clearly show me that they are growing up.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Dear Time ... where did you go?
I've been sitting here for a good 15 minutes trying to start this post.
Trying to figure out how to tell you that when people say "they grow up so fast" they are full of crap.
Fast doesn't cut it.
This week I took Karleigh to Kindergarten. I walked through the front doors, and turned the corner expecting to see a ton of parents all doing the same thing. For whatever reason (and we WERE on time for the record) I had Keegan on my left hip and Karleigh holding my right hand and we turned that corner and it was just us. All the way to her classroom. I looked down at her and told her " oh no! Im gonna cry!" and she looked up at me and said "you're crazy mom"
I remember when I found out that I was pregnant. 21 and filled with excitement and OH MY GOODNESS! (probably not the word that I was thinking at that moment)
I remember one night rushing to the hospital, afraid that we were losing our baby and having an emergency ultrasound. The nurse said to me "you're ok, and baby is ok. In fact, that little blip on the screen ... thats the heartbeat"
I remember hearing that what I was SURE was a boy ... was a girl. I bought the cutest tiniest pink outfit that day.
From those days, to the first time I held her, to her first steps, first words and first tantrum. Time didn't go "fast" ... I can't even tell you WHERE it went.
I went back to work after my maternity leave was up, and soon after returned home to be a full time Mommy. I knew that I was blessed to be able to do that, but I didn't realize HOW blessed until now.
Now when someone else gets to spend 6 hours a day with her that I don't. Now when she waves goodbye to me in the morning and I head home to spend the day with only Keegan. I've never had ONLY him and it reminds me constantly of the days when I had only Karleigh.
I am happy with the way we spent our time the last 4.5 years. I am content with the things that I taught her. I will wish I did more, that's just who I am. I will wonder if I did enough and hope that she is a good and kind person to her friends at school. I will hope that everyone is nice to her because she is so sensitive (much like her Mama who is sobbing right now) though I know that hurts are inevitable even in her little life.
So no, I won't tell you that they grow up fast. I will just tell you this, love them, love them, and love them. At the end of the day, you will both be better off knowing that you adored them as much as you possibly could.
First Birthday :)
Trying to figure out how to tell you that when people say "they grow up so fast" they are full of crap.
Fast doesn't cut it.
This week I took Karleigh to Kindergarten. I walked through the front doors, and turned the corner expecting to see a ton of parents all doing the same thing. For whatever reason (and we WERE on time for the record) I had Keegan on my left hip and Karleigh holding my right hand and we turned that corner and it was just us. All the way to her classroom. I looked down at her and told her " oh no! Im gonna cry!" and she looked up at me and said "you're crazy mom"
I remember when I found out that I was pregnant. 21 and filled with excitement and OH MY GOODNESS! (probably not the word that I was thinking at that moment)
I remember one night rushing to the hospital, afraid that we were losing our baby and having an emergency ultrasound. The nurse said to me "you're ok, and baby is ok. In fact, that little blip on the screen ... thats the heartbeat"
I remember hearing that what I was SURE was a boy ... was a girl. I bought the cutest tiniest pink outfit that day.
From those days, to the first time I held her, to her first steps, first words and first tantrum. Time didn't go "fast" ... I can't even tell you WHERE it went.
I went back to work after my maternity leave was up, and soon after returned home to be a full time Mommy. I knew that I was blessed to be able to do that, but I didn't realize HOW blessed until now.
Now when someone else gets to spend 6 hours a day with her that I don't. Now when she waves goodbye to me in the morning and I head home to spend the day with only Keegan. I've never had ONLY him and it reminds me constantly of the days when I had only Karleigh.
I am happy with the way we spent our time the last 4.5 years. I am content with the things that I taught her. I will wish I did more, that's just who I am. I will wonder if I did enough and hope that she is a good and kind person to her friends at school. I will hope that everyone is nice to her because she is so sensitive (much like her Mama who is sobbing right now) though I know that hurts are inevitable even in her little life.
So no, I won't tell you that they grow up fast. I will just tell you this, love them, love them, and love them. At the end of the day, you will both be better off knowing that you adored them as much as you possibly could.
First Birthday :)
First day of School
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
why does judgement come so natural?
I've been trying to post something for a while now, but couldn't think of the right topic. What did I have to say that would mean anything to anyone? I came up with nothing ... until tonight.
I was at the post office and the most pleasant lady was helping me. In a nutshell I had to PAY to pick up a package that had been returned to me. A package that I already paid to send in the first place. If I chose NOT to pay to retrieve this parcel, Canada Post would kindly keep it, store it for X number of days and then I'm sure someone would end up opening it up, keeping the magazine, twizzlers and gum and without a second thought, toss out the card celebrating 60 days of sobriety and the pictures of this anonymous persons little brother and sister ... weird.
I paid to receive the package ... again ... so that I can give it to Logan myself when I see her, for free ... anyway! The lady was sweet enough to give me another pre paid envelope for next time which I thought was a nice gesture. You see I briefly told her, when she asked me if I'd rather refuse the package, that this was for my daughter. No, while I didn't really feel like I paying for it again, I still wanted her to have it. Somewhere in there I said "it's special, theres photos and a card celebrating her 60 days, she's in treatment" she said to me "what is she in treatment for, if you don't mind me asking" ... I didn't mind, and so I answered with no problem "drugs, addiction."
She put her head down and said "oh" in a way that seemed as though I had just stuck her with an infected needle.
At that moment, I assumed that she was judging me, and in return, I was judging her also. Do I know for a fact that she was judging me? Absolutely not. So why is it our natural reaction to assume so? If someone told me that they were sending a package to someone in rehab I certainly wouldn't think any less of them ... BUT, I know better. I am that person. I do send packages to someone there. Perhaps if all of this had not happened I would be just like her. I wouldn't know how to react, I might put my head down too.
I guess this is all to say that you don't know where someone has been, or where they are headed. I have no idea what made her uncomfortable about my comment, was it because she has no idea what it's like, or was it because she knows EXACTLY what it's like? She has no idea how I, the young lady on the other side of the counter who is 27 but looks 19 has ended up with a 20 year old step daughter ... or maybe she does know, maybe I'm just assuming. It's so easy to think that we have all the answers. It's so easy to assume that our opinions are correct. It's not so easy when God slaps you in the face with the realization that you just might be wrong though. When he reminds you that YOU are not the one with all the answers.
I must have needed that reminder today. Maybe I live my life worrying so much that I am the one being judged that I don't even notice that I am unknowingly doing it to others at the same time.
“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
I was at the post office and the most pleasant lady was helping me. In a nutshell I had to PAY to pick up a package that had been returned to me. A package that I already paid to send in the first place. If I chose NOT to pay to retrieve this parcel, Canada Post would kindly keep it, store it for X number of days and then I'm sure someone would end up opening it up, keeping the magazine, twizzlers and gum and without a second thought, toss out the card celebrating 60 days of sobriety and the pictures of this anonymous persons little brother and sister ... weird.
I paid to receive the package ... again ... so that I can give it to Logan myself when I see her, for free ... anyway! The lady was sweet enough to give me another pre paid envelope for next time which I thought was a nice gesture. You see I briefly told her, when she asked me if I'd rather refuse the package, that this was for my daughter. No, while I didn't really feel like I paying for it again, I still wanted her to have it. Somewhere in there I said "it's special, theres photos and a card celebrating her 60 days, she's in treatment" she said to me "what is she in treatment for, if you don't mind me asking" ... I didn't mind, and so I answered with no problem "drugs, addiction."
She put her head down and said "oh" in a way that seemed as though I had just stuck her with an infected needle.
At that moment, I assumed that she was judging me, and in return, I was judging her also. Do I know for a fact that she was judging me? Absolutely not. So why is it our natural reaction to assume so? If someone told me that they were sending a package to someone in rehab I certainly wouldn't think any less of them ... BUT, I know better. I am that person. I do send packages to someone there. Perhaps if all of this had not happened I would be just like her. I wouldn't know how to react, I might put my head down too.
I guess this is all to say that you don't know where someone has been, or where they are headed. I have no idea what made her uncomfortable about my comment, was it because she has no idea what it's like, or was it because she knows EXACTLY what it's like? She has no idea how I, the young lady on the other side of the counter who is 27 but looks 19 has ended up with a 20 year old step daughter ... or maybe she does know, maybe I'm just assuming. It's so easy to think that we have all the answers. It's so easy to assume that our opinions are correct. It's not so easy when God slaps you in the face with the realization that you just might be wrong though. When he reminds you that YOU are not the one with all the answers.
I must have needed that reminder today. Maybe I live my life worrying so much that I am the one being judged that I don't even notice that I am unknowingly doing it to others at the same time.
“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
Monday, July 25, 2011
6 weeks later
I'm supposed to be packing. Painting my toes. Getting some sleep. Tomorrow morning I leave for Maui with my best friend to celebrate our 3rd Wedding Anniversary.
But I can't do that until I celebrate something else first.
On May 27th I posted this ... http://aprilmartinsblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-wish-wonder-and-am-thankful-but-it.html
If someone had told me then what the next few weeks would hold I would have never believed them, I suppose there are some things that we need to learn on our own.
On June 13th, 2.5 weeks after posting that, she started treatment.
One week later I took her little sister to visit her ... it started off a little rocky, but ended up being so wonderful.
2 weeks later we took her brother down, she had asked for him and THAT was a huge step. She needed to pay attention to him again for a change and he so very much deserved to see her doing so well, after the years of what we have all seen instead. Later that same day we surprised her with a visit from her dad, an image that will not soon leave my memory and something that, as I was told, was SO amazing and important for her recovery. She needed to know that he was there, and that he loves her ... and she is now certain of that.
2 more weeks, another visit and an incredible conversation (photos from this visit below) I told her about this blog, that I shared details, that anyone who reads it is very likely aware of who I am speaking about. I told her that I will print these off for her to see, to see how it has effected our family also and what it is like on this side, in my mind at least. She was completely ok with that and actually looks forward to reading these posts. She held my hand through the parking lot and into the store as if that was the way it was supposed to be, chatting away and happy ... something we haven't seen her be for years.
This post is very "point form" and maybe a little drab, but if you knew how much emotion is within these lines it would mean so much more. To anyone who has a loved one with an addiction, you will understand. To anyone who has a loved one with an addiction you can read this and know that it IS possible, just as I read other blogs over the last 4 years and couldn't let myself be that hopeful.
I know that not everyone is as fortunate as we are in these situations, and my heart absolutely breaks for those families ... I also know that just because we are on the right path right now, doesn't mean that we will always be on it. I have to remember that fact ... as hard as it is to accept.
6 weeks ago was a day that I never thought I would have to deal with. Never thought I would see at all much less WANT to see.
6 weeks ago a very beautiful soul had a very powerful nudge and made an extremely important decision. She has a long road ahead, as do we as her family ... but wow, we are actually ON that road now!
Now I can go pack, paint my toes, whatever. Most importantly though - we can go away tomorrow, leave the country, and know that all 4 kids are safe ... thats a first, and a very welcomed one.
But I can't do that until I celebrate something else first.
On May 27th I posted this ... http://aprilmartinsblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-wish-wonder-and-am-thankful-but-it.html
If someone had told me then what the next few weeks would hold I would have never believed them, I suppose there are some things that we need to learn on our own.
On June 13th, 2.5 weeks after posting that, she started treatment.
One week later I took her little sister to visit her ... it started off a little rocky, but ended up being so wonderful.
2 weeks later we took her brother down, she had asked for him and THAT was a huge step. She needed to pay attention to him again for a change and he so very much deserved to see her doing so well, after the years of what we have all seen instead. Later that same day we surprised her with a visit from her dad, an image that will not soon leave my memory and something that, as I was told, was SO amazing and important for her recovery. She needed to know that he was there, and that he loves her ... and she is now certain of that.
2 more weeks, another visit and an incredible conversation (photos from this visit below) I told her about this blog, that I shared details, that anyone who reads it is very likely aware of who I am speaking about. I told her that I will print these off for her to see, to see how it has effected our family also and what it is like on this side, in my mind at least. She was completely ok with that and actually looks forward to reading these posts. She held my hand through the parking lot and into the store as if that was the way it was supposed to be, chatting away and happy ... something we haven't seen her be for years.
This post is very "point form" and maybe a little drab, but if you knew how much emotion is within these lines it would mean so much more. To anyone who has a loved one with an addiction, you will understand. To anyone who has a loved one with an addiction you can read this and know that it IS possible, just as I read other blogs over the last 4 years and couldn't let myself be that hopeful.
I know that not everyone is as fortunate as we are in these situations, and my heart absolutely breaks for those families ... I also know that just because we are on the right path right now, doesn't mean that we will always be on it. I have to remember that fact ... as hard as it is to accept.
6 weeks ago was a day that I never thought I would have to deal with. Never thought I would see at all much less WANT to see.
6 weeks ago a very beautiful soul had a very powerful nudge and made an extremely important decision. She has a long road ahead, as do we as her family ... but wow, we are actually ON that road now!
Now I can go pack, paint my toes, whatever. Most importantly though - we can go away tomorrow, leave the country, and know that all 4 kids are safe ... thats a first, and a very welcomed one.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
3 Years Later ...
3 Years ago my Daddy walked his Little Girl down an aisle and agreed to "share" me with the new man in my life. We spoke these words to each other and they are more true now than I could have ever imagined ...
On this day and in the presence of God I give to you this sacred
promise. I promise to be myself with you, to share all of my
sentiments, dreams, goals, fears, hopes and worries.
promise. I promise to be myself with you, to share all of my
sentiments, dreams, goals, fears, hopes and worries.
I promise to want the best for you, to wish for your success and to hope for the
fulfillment of all your endeavours. I promise to be honest with you and
pledge my loyalty and faithfulness to you. To cherish your friendship,
adore your personality, respect your values and love you for who you
are. I promise to believe in our relationship and to stand by it
through the toughest of times. To have faith in our strength as a
couple and to never give up on us, and I promise to spend the rest of
my life with you as your best friend.
adore your personality, respect your values and love you for who you
are. I promise to believe in our relationship and to stand by it
through the toughest of times. To have faith in our strength as a
couple and to never give up on us, and I promise to spend the rest of
my life with you as your best friend.
Happy 3rd Anniversary Lane, I love you with all of my heart and with all that I have.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
my life ... in 7 days.
This is what it looks like starting one week ago
Wednesday night - rather than keep this evening free I decide to squeeze in a Family/Newborn session in my studio. Adorably sweet ... but the packing for the road trip the next day is not going to get itself done. It will have to wait too because one of my besties is here from the Island and we NEED to visit ... until midnight.
Thursday Morning - Wake up and remember that I was supposed to get some work done the night before and did not. Wake up extra early to put in an hour in my office before the kids wake up, except Keegan wakes up anyway! Get little kids ready, this WOULD be the one day that Karleigh sleeps in. Take them over to Grammas house. As Im walking out the door Karleigh says "Mama you packed my ballet bag right?" ... wrong. Ok, let me go get gas, run back to the house and I will drop it off on our way out of town. Go home, grab the bag, add a few extra diapers for Keegan incase who KNOWS what might happen on our trip that would keep us away for any extra time and we are on our way!
Thursday Afternoon - drive drive drive, drop Lane off at the dealership to pick up my new car (can I just say I LOVE it!!) and Tristan and I head in another direction to go and see Logan. She knows that we are coming, but does not know that Lane is. We pick up dinner for ... a lot of people, and head over! Its amazing, its encouraging, it almost doesnt seem real. We listen to her tell us about the things that she is working through, processing, its beyond words! Lane shows up and holy goodness ... the photo below will describe this moment better than I ever could. We take her out for a while and return her safe and sound and begin our trip back home. Drive ... drive, and drive some more.
Friday morning - arrive home at 1am. Sleep for a few hours and pick up the littles by 8 so that I can get them ready (again) and get KL ready for dance camp and there by 10. Drop her off, come home and meet a great friend at my house for some baby shower planning! Talk, talk, talk ... til 11:45 and then I leave to get Karleigh.
Friday afternoon ... get Tristan to work, laugh at the idea of even cooking dinner and to be very honest I can't even tell you what we ate that night ... hmmmm, nope, no idea.
Friday night ... April Martin you have a workshop to teach ... TOMORROW!! Head out to get supplies (notebooks and yummy treats, it is all women after all!) and fit in a quick coffee with my mother in law to give her the update on Logan, which I am VERY happy to give since its such positive news. Come home, grab my folder for my workshop and attempt to review before bed, spill glass of wine all over papers and decide that its just time to go to bed. I've done this workshop before, I'm good at it ... nothing to worry about :)
Saturday - workshop 10-2 ... and why not throw a Family Session in at 3pm just for good measure right? Come home, have wonderful friends over for a bbq and I think I might have even relaxed this night ... but thats debatable.
Sunday - THIS morning I definitely relaxed ... I think. Photographed a beautiful Wedding in the afternoon, arrived late to a little friends birthday party due to work and LEFT early due to my crazy 2 year old who thought it was ok to throw a fit the size of my new truck and me? I thought otherwise. I dragged him out of there, left Lane to bring Karleigh home and as soon as we got in the car all I heard the whole way home was ... "Hi Mum. I love you Mum. Hi Mum." aaaaaggggghhhhhhhh!
Monday - Keegan Reid gymnastics Day 1. Oh Lord. I'm not sure what I was thinking. He loved it, however did not listen. This was ok, he had fun, nobody got hurt and by 9:45 I was pretty much ready for a nap, although I don't remember the last time I actually had one of those. Pick up snack for the kids and head up to Gramma B's house so that I can drop them off and go check out Wedding Venues with another Bestie. I feel like my day is going well, and then my sweet stepson calls. Can I pick him up, yes but it will need to be soon since Keegan needs to nap and if he falls asleep in the car I will miss my window. Can you take me to another friends house? Fine, but again ... what I said before. Can we stop at home so I can brush my teeth? Are you kidding me?? BAH! Fine ... yes ... but why is the concept of bringing your overnight things to a SLEEP-OVER such a tough thing to grasp?? At this point, leaving the Wedding site, smoke coming out of my ears ... I am SO thankful that Lane offers to do the picking up, brush teeth and re-drop off duties. Why? Oh yes, that baby shower? Its tonight!! Eek!! Pick up kids, get home, Keegan naps (do you hear the angels singing???) and I prepare for the evenings event :) Good food, cute babies, great friends ... it all went perfectly! Monday night ... me ... sleep.
Tuesday - Keegan Reid gymnastis day 2. He's not so excited about it today. Its a car themed day and everytime he hears someone say car he runs to me and says "ok??" because he wants to go home. We leave the class about 10 minutes early at his request. At this point why not have a play date right?? So I have 2 girlfriends and 4 additional kids over :) So crazy but so fun and I love my friends too much, even when we have a bunch of crazies running around us I am so thankful that I have them. By about 12:30 its very evident that all of these kids needs naps or at least quiet times so things quiet down, company disperses and eventually its just me. Who am I kidding, its never JUST me ... but maybe I was in the bathroom or something, in there its just me, well, sometimes. I take a breath, and realize that I need to leave in an hour to get Tristan to work. Drop him off, come home, make dinner, Logan calls. YAY! First day that she's been able to phone and its so good to hear her voice. Get a quick update from her, all is well, say our "love you's" and that's that. 2 minutes later, the facility calls with another update, still all good but just filling me in. Meanwhile I see Keegan streaking through the hallway and down the stairs, apparently he is out of his bath. Finish up on the phone, get some clothes on my little nudist and then head off for a late birthday celebration because my life got in the way of her REAL birthday. (you're welcome for the best Veggie Burger in town xo) Get home with time to visit with my husband for a bit, and instead realize that its been a long week (a long month if I'm being really honest) and we are just not on the same page at that moment, so I head to bed. Loving him, him loving me ... but not in chatty moods. Meh ... what am I gonna do.
Weds Morning - gymnastics = SUCCESS!! yay! He has fun, and again I feel like I have my whole day planned out properly. Then another text, seems that the kid that I THOUGHT was at home, is not. Drop Karleigh off at a friends house because its not her fault that she's part of a crazy family, take Keegan home, wait for house cleaners to arrive (its not as glamorous as it sounds ... get over it) do a walk through with them and then pack Keeg up again to start the next part of our day. Starbucks ... thank GOD for Starbucks! Take Keegan to the park in a half attempt to be a good mom for 15 minutes before our next chore. Sit down, watch him on the slide and remember that today is Logans 30th day :) Call florist (keep one eye on Keegan) order a delivery for her (still watching him) give her all the info including all the siblings names and spelling. Hang up and realize its time to go get Tristan now. Convince Keegan that it will be really fun and that we're going to see "T" ... he decides to believe me and we are off! Pick up Trist, take him to work, pick up Karleigh, go home, put Keegan down for a nap, realize that Karleigh is getting a nasty cold, send her for a nap also and then .... nothing. ahhhhhhhhh.
Keegan wakes up, we play in the yard, go in the pool, he snuggles me on the blanket on the grass and I don't even care that he's getting red popsicle all over me ... at that moment, life is perfect. Fast forward, make dinner, head off to another shoot in the studio, get gas and almost choke at how much it costs to fill this new beast! pick up Tristan from work and come home. Sneak into Karleighs room to give her some medicine, sit for a minute ... hear Keegan, get him out of my closet??? I know ... and get him back to bed.
That brings me to now ... many times this week I have thought about making my facebook status read something like "If you are not my child or my husband ... don't ask me for anything" but then there were times when I thought "even if you are my child or my husband, don't ask me for anything" and then my heart started to work again and I realized that I love people, even though my dads saying of "I hate everybody" has really made a lot of sense to me this week. I'm tired, as I told Tristan today. Not "sick" and tired, just literally tired from life right now. I know some people have it worse, or more busy, and that's fine. It won't make me feel better for someone to tell me that their life is busier ... sometimes my life, my husband and my 4 (3 at home) kids are enough busy for me ... enough so that its tiring, whether I love it or not.
I'd love to tell you that this post has a point but it doesnt ... I don't think. Its just another look into my life. If you're still reading, there must be a reason.
Enjoy these photos ... I love these people. Before there were the littles in our lives it was these 3 that I fell in love with first.
Wednesday night - rather than keep this evening free I decide to squeeze in a Family/Newborn session in my studio. Adorably sweet ... but the packing for the road trip the next day is not going to get itself done. It will have to wait too because one of my besties is here from the Island and we NEED to visit ... until midnight.
Thursday Morning - Wake up and remember that I was supposed to get some work done the night before and did not. Wake up extra early to put in an hour in my office before the kids wake up, except Keegan wakes up anyway! Get little kids ready, this WOULD be the one day that Karleigh sleeps in. Take them over to Grammas house. As Im walking out the door Karleigh says "Mama you packed my ballet bag right?" ... wrong. Ok, let me go get gas, run back to the house and I will drop it off on our way out of town. Go home, grab the bag, add a few extra diapers for Keegan incase who KNOWS what might happen on our trip that would keep us away for any extra time and we are on our way!
Thursday Afternoon - drive drive drive, drop Lane off at the dealership to pick up my new car (can I just say I LOVE it!!) and Tristan and I head in another direction to go and see Logan. She knows that we are coming, but does not know that Lane is. We pick up dinner for ... a lot of people, and head over! Its amazing, its encouraging, it almost doesnt seem real. We listen to her tell us about the things that she is working through, processing, its beyond words! Lane shows up and holy goodness ... the photo below will describe this moment better than I ever could. We take her out for a while and return her safe and sound and begin our trip back home. Drive ... drive, and drive some more.
Friday morning - arrive home at 1am. Sleep for a few hours and pick up the littles by 8 so that I can get them ready (again) and get KL ready for dance camp and there by 10. Drop her off, come home and meet a great friend at my house for some baby shower planning! Talk, talk, talk ... til 11:45 and then I leave to get Karleigh.
Friday afternoon ... get Tristan to work, laugh at the idea of even cooking dinner and to be very honest I can't even tell you what we ate that night ... hmmmm, nope, no idea.
Friday night ... April Martin you have a workshop to teach ... TOMORROW!! Head out to get supplies (notebooks and yummy treats, it is all women after all!) and fit in a quick coffee with my mother in law to give her the update on Logan, which I am VERY happy to give since its such positive news. Come home, grab my folder for my workshop and attempt to review before bed, spill glass of wine all over papers and decide that its just time to go to bed. I've done this workshop before, I'm good at it ... nothing to worry about :)
Saturday - workshop 10-2 ... and why not throw a Family Session in at 3pm just for good measure right? Come home, have wonderful friends over for a bbq and I think I might have even relaxed this night ... but thats debatable.
Sunday - THIS morning I definitely relaxed ... I think. Photographed a beautiful Wedding in the afternoon, arrived late to a little friends birthday party due to work and LEFT early due to my crazy 2 year old who thought it was ok to throw a fit the size of my new truck and me? I thought otherwise. I dragged him out of there, left Lane to bring Karleigh home and as soon as we got in the car all I heard the whole way home was ... "Hi Mum. I love you Mum. Hi Mum." aaaaaggggghhhhhhhh!
Monday - Keegan Reid gymnastics Day 1. Oh Lord. I'm not sure what I was thinking. He loved it, however did not listen. This was ok, he had fun, nobody got hurt and by 9:45 I was pretty much ready for a nap, although I don't remember the last time I actually had one of those. Pick up snack for the kids and head up to Gramma B's house so that I can drop them off and go check out Wedding Venues with another Bestie. I feel like my day is going well, and then my sweet stepson calls. Can I pick him up, yes but it will need to be soon since Keegan needs to nap and if he falls asleep in the car I will miss my window. Can you take me to another friends house? Fine, but again ... what I said before. Can we stop at home so I can brush my teeth? Are you kidding me?? BAH! Fine ... yes ... but why is the concept of bringing your overnight things to a SLEEP-OVER such a tough thing to grasp?? At this point, leaving the Wedding site, smoke coming out of my ears ... I am SO thankful that Lane offers to do the picking up, brush teeth and re-drop off duties. Why? Oh yes, that baby shower? Its tonight!! Eek!! Pick up kids, get home, Keegan naps (do you hear the angels singing???) and I prepare for the evenings event :) Good food, cute babies, great friends ... it all went perfectly! Monday night ... me ... sleep.
Tuesday - Keegan Reid gymnastis day 2. He's not so excited about it today. Its a car themed day and everytime he hears someone say car he runs to me and says "ok??" because he wants to go home. We leave the class about 10 minutes early at his request. At this point why not have a play date right?? So I have 2 girlfriends and 4 additional kids over :) So crazy but so fun and I love my friends too much, even when we have a bunch of crazies running around us I am so thankful that I have them. By about 12:30 its very evident that all of these kids needs naps or at least quiet times so things quiet down, company disperses and eventually its just me. Who am I kidding, its never JUST me ... but maybe I was in the bathroom or something, in there its just me, well, sometimes. I take a breath, and realize that I need to leave in an hour to get Tristan to work. Drop him off, come home, make dinner, Logan calls. YAY! First day that she's been able to phone and its so good to hear her voice. Get a quick update from her, all is well, say our "love you's" and that's that. 2 minutes later, the facility calls with another update, still all good but just filling me in. Meanwhile I see Keegan streaking through the hallway and down the stairs, apparently he is out of his bath. Finish up on the phone, get some clothes on my little nudist and then head off for a late birthday celebration because my life got in the way of her REAL birthday. (you're welcome for the best Veggie Burger in town xo) Get home with time to visit with my husband for a bit, and instead realize that its been a long week (a long month if I'm being really honest) and we are just not on the same page at that moment, so I head to bed. Loving him, him loving me ... but not in chatty moods. Meh ... what am I gonna do.
Weds Morning - gymnastics = SUCCESS!! yay! He has fun, and again I feel like I have my whole day planned out properly. Then another text, seems that the kid that I THOUGHT was at home, is not. Drop Karleigh off at a friends house because its not her fault that she's part of a crazy family, take Keegan home, wait for house cleaners to arrive (its not as glamorous as it sounds ... get over it) do a walk through with them and then pack Keeg up again to start the next part of our day. Starbucks ... thank GOD for Starbucks! Take Keegan to the park in a half attempt to be a good mom for 15 minutes before our next chore. Sit down, watch him on the slide and remember that today is Logans 30th day :) Call florist (keep one eye on Keegan) order a delivery for her (still watching him) give her all the info including all the siblings names and spelling. Hang up and realize its time to go get Tristan now. Convince Keegan that it will be really fun and that we're going to see "T" ... he decides to believe me and we are off! Pick up Trist, take him to work, pick up Karleigh, go home, put Keegan down for a nap, realize that Karleigh is getting a nasty cold, send her for a nap also and then .... nothing. ahhhhhhhhh.
Keegan wakes up, we play in the yard, go in the pool, he snuggles me on the blanket on the grass and I don't even care that he's getting red popsicle all over me ... at that moment, life is perfect. Fast forward, make dinner, head off to another shoot in the studio, get gas and almost choke at how much it costs to fill this new beast! pick up Tristan from work and come home. Sneak into Karleighs room to give her some medicine, sit for a minute ... hear Keegan, get him out of my closet??? I know ... and get him back to bed.
That brings me to now ... many times this week I have thought about making my facebook status read something like "If you are not my child or my husband ... don't ask me for anything" but then there were times when I thought "even if you are my child or my husband, don't ask me for anything" and then my heart started to work again and I realized that I love people, even though my dads saying of "I hate everybody" has really made a lot of sense to me this week. I'm tired, as I told Tristan today. Not "sick" and tired, just literally tired from life right now. I know some people have it worse, or more busy, and that's fine. It won't make me feel better for someone to tell me that their life is busier ... sometimes my life, my husband and my 4 (3 at home) kids are enough busy for me ... enough so that its tiring, whether I love it or not.
I'd love to tell you that this post has a point but it doesnt ... I don't think. Its just another look into my life. If you're still reading, there must be a reason.
Enjoy these photos ... I love these people. Before there were the littles in our lives it was these 3 that I fell in love with first.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
it's all worth it
I'm driving my 15 year old (when did he GET that old!) to a friends house the other night and we are talking about his older sister. I'm telling him how great she is doing, that she is so willing to get better, no matter what that looks like and so excited about God and how he will work with her through all of this. As the conversation continues I become very aware of the reality that is taking place. Yes, things are going very well right now. Yes, things that we NEVER thought possible are happening at this very moment and it is nothing short of a miracle, or at least this is how it feels for our family and others who have been down this road I am sure. However, I have to be real with myself and know that just as quickly as this happened, it could change back. I have to remind myself that this is a long road and the hard part is not necessarily over ... not yet.
I tried to explain to Tristan that it's sort of like when your toddler drives you crazy all day long (and he lives with my 2 year old so he gets this analogy) but at night they are so sweet and angelic that it makes up for anything that happened that day.
When someone you love is in a dark place and then decides to accept help, when you can see them turning back into the person that they once were ... it almost makes up for the 4 and a half years of pain. Pain that was felt through the whole family, moms, dads, siblings, everyone and none more than the person themselves.
As a good parent thats all we want, thats all we can hope for - that one day they will see what we see so clearly.
There will be bad days, no doubt. Knowing though, that when there is a bad day, or maybe a terrible day, that she is surrounded by support and people who care, that makes it all worth it.
As a parent when you have to accept the fact that YOU can't help your child, that stings like nothing else. When you've admitted to yourself that holding their hand through this won't cut it this time, you are then eternally grateful for the Angels that come along and CAN help. People who have made this their life, who love your family almost as much as you do. It's hard to believe that these people truly exist but I assure you they do, and THEY make it all worth it.
I don't share these stories for any other reason than this ...
Throughout the last 4 years I have come across other brave parents, family members, even friends who have walked this road. They were not afraid or embarrassed to tell their stories and in doing so they helped me more than I could ever express. If by sharing MY families stories I can help or encourage even one person ... all of the hard days, all of the "why don't you keep that private?" ... it will all be worth it.
I tried to explain to Tristan that it's sort of like when your toddler drives you crazy all day long (and he lives with my 2 year old so he gets this analogy) but at night they are so sweet and angelic that it makes up for anything that happened that day.
When someone you love is in a dark place and then decides to accept help, when you can see them turning back into the person that they once were ... it almost makes up for the 4 and a half years of pain. Pain that was felt through the whole family, moms, dads, siblings, everyone and none more than the person themselves.
As a good parent thats all we want, thats all we can hope for - that one day they will see what we see so clearly.
There will be bad days, no doubt. Knowing though, that when there is a bad day, or maybe a terrible day, that she is surrounded by support and people who care, that makes it all worth it.
As a parent when you have to accept the fact that YOU can't help your child, that stings like nothing else. When you've admitted to yourself that holding their hand through this won't cut it this time, you are then eternally grateful for the Angels that come along and CAN help. People who have made this their life, who love your family almost as much as you do. It's hard to believe that these people truly exist but I assure you they do, and THEY make it all worth it.
I don't share these stories for any other reason than this ...
Throughout the last 4 years I have come across other brave parents, family members, even friends who have walked this road. They were not afraid or embarrassed to tell their stories and in doing so they helped me more than I could ever express. If by sharing MY families stories I can help or encourage even one person ... all of the hard days, all of the "why don't you keep that private?" ... it will all be worth it.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
all in his time ...
I discovered a blog about 6 weeks ago called Mom vs Heroin.
I stumbled upon the very first entry somehow and read this story that sounded SO much like our own daughters journey. I then jumped right to the most recent post which started off "my Daughter is a strong woman" and I immediately started to cry. This Mom explained how well her Daughter was now doing and on the road to recovery. I was so happy for this stranger and yet so jealous of her at the same time, thinking inside to myself that after the last 4 years I might never get to say those words and hardly even believing that some people DO get that chance.
After reading this Moms Blog I could not stop thinking about it - the ages were almost exactly the same, the stories, the sadness, everything. I kept dreaming about a day where maybe I could be the one to write "my daughter is a strong woman" and then a few phone calls would come from her, the blood pressure rising again and that dream would slowly start to fade away.
There is a point where enough is enough. If you are lucky enough (and not everyone is) someone will hear your cries when you are at this point. If you let him, God will move things SO quickly for you so that you can be safe. He will walk someone through a locked door and hold it open when your help is on the other side trying to get in. He will make room in a safe place for you even though just hours before it was apparently "full". He will bring love to your doorstep rather than anger because he knows that THAT didn't work last time. He will find a safe place for someone that you care about too if thats what it takes because he can do that. He will whisper to you that it's ok, and that YOU can do this.
I really wondered if the day would ever come. Today though, I can tell you ... our Daughter is a strong woman. *our, all of us, she claims us all as her parents and I will gladly accept that*
Will she be ok tomorrow? I don't know that. I do know however, that she has been ok for the past 4 days and THAT is nothing short of a miracle.
On Monday she was so brave, she took a step toward a new life and she did it all with God and with her own strength and courage.
Like anything else this story does and will continue to have its ups and downs, and thats ok. The only thing that matters is that she is safe. It doesn't matter who was there, it just matters that they WERE. It doesn't matter who was NOT there, if that was meant to be then it would have been. There are rules that need to be followed and wishes that need to be respected and that is ok, it has to be for now. I am filled with gratitude that I was able to witness it even though some parts were incredibly hard to see, but I didn't do anything ... she did it all and nothing was harder than the choice that she made that day.
It was a perfect example of everything working in HIS time, not ours. A very real reminder that the best laid plans go awry.
I stumbled upon the very first entry somehow and read this story that sounded SO much like our own daughters journey. I then jumped right to the most recent post which started off "my Daughter is a strong woman" and I immediately started to cry. This Mom explained how well her Daughter was now doing and on the road to recovery. I was so happy for this stranger and yet so jealous of her at the same time, thinking inside to myself that after the last 4 years I might never get to say those words and hardly even believing that some people DO get that chance.
After reading this Moms Blog I could not stop thinking about it - the ages were almost exactly the same, the stories, the sadness, everything. I kept dreaming about a day where maybe I could be the one to write "my daughter is a strong woman" and then a few phone calls would come from her, the blood pressure rising again and that dream would slowly start to fade away.
There is a point where enough is enough. If you are lucky enough (and not everyone is) someone will hear your cries when you are at this point. If you let him, God will move things SO quickly for you so that you can be safe. He will walk someone through a locked door and hold it open when your help is on the other side trying to get in. He will make room in a safe place for you even though just hours before it was apparently "full". He will bring love to your doorstep rather than anger because he knows that THAT didn't work last time. He will find a safe place for someone that you care about too if thats what it takes because he can do that. He will whisper to you that it's ok, and that YOU can do this.
I really wondered if the day would ever come. Today though, I can tell you ... our Daughter is a strong woman. *our, all of us, she claims us all as her parents and I will gladly accept that*
Will she be ok tomorrow? I don't know that. I do know however, that she has been ok for the past 4 days and THAT is nothing short of a miracle.
On Monday she was so brave, she took a step toward a new life and she did it all with God and with her own strength and courage.
Like anything else this story does and will continue to have its ups and downs, and thats ok. The only thing that matters is that she is safe. It doesn't matter who was there, it just matters that they WERE. It doesn't matter who was NOT there, if that was meant to be then it would have been. There are rules that need to be followed and wishes that need to be respected and that is ok, it has to be for now. I am filled with gratitude that I was able to witness it even though some parts were incredibly hard to see, but I didn't do anything ... she did it all and nothing was harder than the choice that she made that day.
It was a perfect example of everything working in HIS time, not ours. A very real reminder that the best laid plans go awry.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
This is what counts ... for me.
I sit here watching her and she doesn't even know it. She's eating her lunch at the kitchen counter and I am on the rocker glider that I have just recently moved into the living room because I just can't part with it even though my babies no longer need me to put them to sleep in it. Its familiar, and comforting.
She lets out a burp and says excuse me, but in true Karleigh fashion she sings the words "excuuuuuseeee meeee" even though shes unaware that anyone is listening, thats Karleigh.
She sees that I am here and walks over to me, I tell her before she reaches me, "just give me a minute sweetie" she tells me "I'm just wondering what yer doin" and I look at her, with her princess dress up clothes on, a tiara in her hair and her blue/green sundress hanging out the side because she didn't quite get it tucked in ... and love her just a tiny bit more than I did even a minute ago. I tell her I'm writing a quick blog, she walks over to the toy box, pulls out her leapfrog laptop and 5 seconds later I hear it say to her "new blog entry!" she's so smart ...
Sometimes my days are so full, others feel like they drag ... and lately, when I think about my baby starting Kindergarten in 3 months I wonder if I have done things right over the last 5 years as an at home mom. Have I played enough with them? Fed them all the right things? Do they know how much I love them?
They grow up so fast. I remember the first time that I said that out loud as a mom, I felt like I aged 10 years right then and there. It's so true though, they change before your eyes and one day you realize that even though you've been around for every single moment you're not sure when it all happened. I know exactly when they both took their first steps, I have photographed every memory possible but there are still parts that have been lost. A very real reminder that none of us are perfect, reassuring yet sad at the same time.
If I look at her just the right way I can see the tiny little face that looked up at me, minutes old and to whom I said "hi Karleigh ... I'm your mama" and those are the memories that count, for me. Those are the memories that I will hold onto forever. When one day I don't know what they are doing at every waking moment, I will remember those times, the ones I spent with them in this chair, and I will never forget them.
She lets out a burp and says excuse me, but in true Karleigh fashion she sings the words "excuuuuuseeee meeee" even though shes unaware that anyone is listening, thats Karleigh.
She sees that I am here and walks over to me, I tell her before she reaches me, "just give me a minute sweetie" she tells me "I'm just wondering what yer doin" and I look at her, with her princess dress up clothes on, a tiara in her hair and her blue/green sundress hanging out the side because she didn't quite get it tucked in ... and love her just a tiny bit more than I did even a minute ago. I tell her I'm writing a quick blog, she walks over to the toy box, pulls out her leapfrog laptop and 5 seconds later I hear it say to her "new blog entry!" she's so smart ...
Sometimes my days are so full, others feel like they drag ... and lately, when I think about my baby starting Kindergarten in 3 months I wonder if I have done things right over the last 5 years as an at home mom. Have I played enough with them? Fed them all the right things? Do they know how much I love them?
They grow up so fast. I remember the first time that I said that out loud as a mom, I felt like I aged 10 years right then and there. It's so true though, they change before your eyes and one day you realize that even though you've been around for every single moment you're not sure when it all happened. I know exactly when they both took their first steps, I have photographed every memory possible but there are still parts that have been lost. A very real reminder that none of us are perfect, reassuring yet sad at the same time.
If I look at her just the right way I can see the tiny little face that looked up at me, minutes old and to whom I said "hi Karleigh ... I'm your mama" and those are the memories that count, for me. Those are the memories that I will hold onto forever. When one day I don't know what they are doing at every waking moment, I will remember those times, the ones I spent with them in this chair, and I will never forget them.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Dear 21 Year Old Me
Dear 21 Year Old Me,
The guy that you just described to your parents, the one who is 31 and is a single dad with 2 kids (one of whom is closer to your age than he is) - he's a keeper.
The relationship that you just got out of that at times was so great and other times was so bad, you'll get over it, and you'll also realize that those bad times helped to shape a good portion of your life from there forward.
When she asks to help make dinner with you just let her, even if you feel like being alone at that stage of the day. In a couple of years she won't live with you and in a couple more after that you will wish that she did again.
When he drives you bonkers because he's so much like his dad and you just want him to be his own person, don't worry. He just thinks that his dad is the coolest, but in a few years he will change, become his own wonderful identity and you will wonder where that little guy went.
Right now it seems impossible. You may never understand how someone can live without their kids, and thats ok, you don't ever need to know. You might not agree with some of the things that have happened, and thats ok too, it wasn't your life and judging won't help anyone. Over the next 6 years though you will develop a soft spot in your heart for his ex-wife. You will realize one day that it's just there, no matter how much hurt has gone on between you or how you feel sometimes, it's so much better that way. You're no good at being unkind, let's be honest.
He will propose, you won't be the stepmom/mom with the partner whose divorce will never be finalized forever. Just be patient, I know that's not always your best quality but I promise it will be perfect.
When he dreams big, let him. He's a little quirky but he has amazing ideas and you will watch his dreams become reality and be so proud of him and so proud to be his wife.
In a few short months you will find out that you are pregnant, first you will learn never to take a test at work again but besides that you will be excited, after all this IS what you've always wanted. You will also be scared, don't be ... it will be just fine and SHE will be beautiful.
You will tell the other 2 that they are going to have a baby brother or sister. It will be a perfect moment, they will be excited - but you won't know for a few years how truly special it is for your babies to have these siblings. Big brother will be there for every milestone, every birthday, boo boo and tantrum and they will love him. Big sister however will miss a lot of this, enjoy the first few months with 2 daughters in the house and hold them close to your heart. Take lots of pictures and don't let them forget.
Keep dreaming about a Fairy Tale Wedding because my dear in about 3 years you will have it.
You will get to enjoy the "lets try to have a baby" moment that others experience, but it will be brief. The sweetest little man will pop into your life before you plan it - and he too will be beautiful.
Your children will have the 4 best Grandparents in the whole world.
At 23 you will find God, and the words 'beauty' 'grace' and 'faith' will take on entirely new meanings. wow.
Finally, 21 Year Old Me - at 27 you will look back at the last 6 years and wonder where they went, how you crammed so much into them and struggle to hang on to every single important moment even though you know that this is impossible but because that is what YOU do. Just enjoy all of the moments from here forward, know that you are one lucky lady and your life is so very full. Be thankful and whenever you can, help others to do the same.
You'll do great.
xxoo
The guy that you just described to your parents, the one who is 31 and is a single dad with 2 kids (one of whom is closer to your age than he is) - he's a keeper.
The relationship that you just got out of that at times was so great and other times was so bad, you'll get over it, and you'll also realize that those bad times helped to shape a good portion of your life from there forward.
When she asks to help make dinner with you just let her, even if you feel like being alone at that stage of the day. In a couple of years she won't live with you and in a couple more after that you will wish that she did again.
When he drives you bonkers because he's so much like his dad and you just want him to be his own person, don't worry. He just thinks that his dad is the coolest, but in a few years he will change, become his own wonderful identity and you will wonder where that little guy went.
Right now it seems impossible. You may never understand how someone can live without their kids, and thats ok, you don't ever need to know. You might not agree with some of the things that have happened, and thats ok too, it wasn't your life and judging won't help anyone. Over the next 6 years though you will develop a soft spot in your heart for his ex-wife. You will realize one day that it's just there, no matter how much hurt has gone on between you or how you feel sometimes, it's so much better that way. You're no good at being unkind, let's be honest.
He will propose, you won't be the stepmom/mom with the partner whose divorce will never be finalized forever. Just be patient, I know that's not always your best quality but I promise it will be perfect.
When he dreams big, let him. He's a little quirky but he has amazing ideas and you will watch his dreams become reality and be so proud of him and so proud to be his wife.
In a few short months you will find out that you are pregnant, first you will learn never to take a test at work again but besides that you will be excited, after all this IS what you've always wanted. You will also be scared, don't be ... it will be just fine and SHE will be beautiful.
You will tell the other 2 that they are going to have a baby brother or sister. It will be a perfect moment, they will be excited - but you won't know for a few years how truly special it is for your babies to have these siblings. Big brother will be there for every milestone, every birthday, boo boo and tantrum and they will love him. Big sister however will miss a lot of this, enjoy the first few months with 2 daughters in the house and hold them close to your heart. Take lots of pictures and don't let them forget.
Keep dreaming about a Fairy Tale Wedding because my dear in about 3 years you will have it.
You will get to enjoy the "lets try to have a baby" moment that others experience, but it will be brief. The sweetest little man will pop into your life before you plan it - and he too will be beautiful.
Your children will have the 4 best Grandparents in the whole world.
At 23 you will find God, and the words 'beauty' 'grace' and 'faith' will take on entirely new meanings. wow.
Finally, 21 Year Old Me - at 27 you will look back at the last 6 years and wonder where they went, how you crammed so much into them and struggle to hang on to every single important moment even though you know that this is impossible but because that is what YOU do. Just enjoy all of the moments from here forward, know that you are one lucky lady and your life is so very full. Be thankful and whenever you can, help others to do the same.
You'll do great.
xxoo
Friday, May 27, 2011
I wish ... Wonder ... and am Thankful. But it still hurts.
I wish that I could always be as patient as I am with you. All of the kids deserve that, but instead I am pretty much spent after our conversations.
I wish that you could remember how beautiful you are.
I wish that you gave yourself credit, and had faith in yourself if nothing else.
I wish that I could believe everything that you say, the heart in me wants to but the gut tells me thats not a good idea.
I wish that you could see your Dad because sometimes I think you might know him even better than I do. When you are away its easy to pretend that he doesn't care, but if you were here that thought wouldn't even be an option.
I wish that sending you the money that you ask for would really make things better, if it could I would find millions and walk all the way just to give it to you, but it won't.
I wish that you knew your sister. You loved her before she was born and you held her when she was tiny, these days she refers to someone else as her "big sister" and I don't even have the strength to correct her because part of me feels that she is better off that way.
I wish that you knew your littlest brother - he has gorgeous blue eyes and he's so adorable. He thinks his big sister is something pretty special but if he knew he even had another big sister he would love you just the same.
I wish that I could make you understand that it hurts just to talk to you, but it lets me know that you are surviving and so I pick up the phone for my own piece of mind if not for any other reason. Maybe that's selfish ...
I wonder, when the first thing out of your mouth is "I don't have anyone" if you realize that you've just picked up the phone and reached out to me. You must know deep down that you have a huge family including parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins who love you ... what part of you allows that to be ignored?
I wish that you could see how great your other brother is, and be proud of him. He looked up to you once upon a time I think and now he is on his own, a shining example for the other 2.
I wish that you understood that if I could help you I would. We can provide a lot, but we cannot provide the kind of help that you need and that breaks my heart.
I wish that I did more when I could, but I have accepted that this was not because of us - that doesn't make it hurt any less though or take the sad parts away. It only reminds me of the long process that families go through in these times.
I told you today to only worry about the things that you can control - I wonder if you knew how much I was doing the same thing at that very moment.
I'm thankful for the strength to not break down and cry right along with you - but please don't think that I don't cry, I'm doing it right now.
I told you today that you are beautiful, and smart, and strong and that you can get better ... I just wish that you believed that as much as I do.
I wish that you could see that now is the time ... you literally have nothing ... to lose and everything to gain.
Isn't is weird how we write these things, knowing that the person will likely never read them? Yet its therapeutic all the same??
See? I guess we all need some sort of therapy at some point. It just looks and sounds different for everyone.
I wish that you could remember how beautiful you are.
I wish that you gave yourself credit, and had faith in yourself if nothing else.
I wish that I could believe everything that you say, the heart in me wants to but the gut tells me thats not a good idea.
I wish that you could see your Dad because sometimes I think you might know him even better than I do. When you are away its easy to pretend that he doesn't care, but if you were here that thought wouldn't even be an option.
I wish that sending you the money that you ask for would really make things better, if it could I would find millions and walk all the way just to give it to you, but it won't.
I wish that you knew your sister. You loved her before she was born and you held her when she was tiny, these days she refers to someone else as her "big sister" and I don't even have the strength to correct her because part of me feels that she is better off that way.
I wish that you knew your littlest brother - he has gorgeous blue eyes and he's so adorable. He thinks his big sister is something pretty special but if he knew he even had another big sister he would love you just the same.
I wish that I could make you understand that it hurts just to talk to you, but it lets me know that you are surviving and so I pick up the phone for my own piece of mind if not for any other reason. Maybe that's selfish ...
I wonder, when the first thing out of your mouth is "I don't have anyone" if you realize that you've just picked up the phone and reached out to me. You must know deep down that you have a huge family including parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins who love you ... what part of you allows that to be ignored?
I wish that you could see how great your other brother is, and be proud of him. He looked up to you once upon a time I think and now he is on his own, a shining example for the other 2.
I wish that you understood that if I could help you I would. We can provide a lot, but we cannot provide the kind of help that you need and that breaks my heart.
I wish that I did more when I could, but I have accepted that this was not because of us - that doesn't make it hurt any less though or take the sad parts away. It only reminds me of the long process that families go through in these times.
I told you today to only worry about the things that you can control - I wonder if you knew how much I was doing the same thing at that very moment.
I'm thankful for the strength to not break down and cry right along with you - but please don't think that I don't cry, I'm doing it right now.
I told you today that you are beautiful, and smart, and strong and that you can get better ... I just wish that you believed that as much as I do.
I wish that you could see that now is the time ... you literally have nothing ... to lose and everything to gain.
Isn't is weird how we write these things, knowing that the person will likely never read them? Yet its therapeutic all the same??
See? I guess we all need some sort of therapy at some point. It just looks and sounds different for everyone.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
only MY daughter
We were pretty sure right from the get go that Karleigh would one day be the class clown. She is way too quirky and random for it go to waste and I'm sure that I will be signing her up for musical theatre and/or drama very soon.
Besides that though, she is brilliant. I know I'm her mom so really what else would I say, but its true. She is so grown up for her little tiny age I amazes me still even though I now treat her as such and pretty much expect it, when I stop to think about it or when people (constantly) comment on it I realize that not every 4 year old is this way. All the while reminding me that my little monster of a son (aka most handsome little man on the planet) will very likely NOT be as grown up as Karleigh.
Ahhh I'll enjoy it while I can.
She has never been hard to discipline, if I ask her to take a time out while she calms down, she says "ok Mom" and goes to her room - returning a few minutes later to tell me that she's ok now. A couple of weeks ago Lane brought a car home for me to test drive, Keegan was napping and Tristan was home so we put KL's booster seat in the car and took her for a quick drive with us. Half way down the street this little voice in the back says "I don't like leaving the house without Keegy". We told her it was ok and that we weren't going for very long. A few minutes later that same voice "I really think we should go back for Keegan". I quickly realized that SHE forgot that Tristan was home and thought that we had left her little brother home all alone. The little mother in her could hardly stand it ...
A while ago now we realized she could read. We started to notice her reading more and more words all the time but were pretty sure that she had a photographic memory (ironic for MY daughter hey?? haha) and so was just simply remembering words that she saw more often than others. One night though, her and I were in a store and I could hear her behind me reading all of the headlines on the magazine rack. When we got home I opened a book for her and she read me the whole thing. Shes 4, has never gone to daycare and had just a few months of preschool at which I don't think they even worked on reading since it was a class for 3 year olds as well as 4. She can now pick up any book in our house, and I mean ANY book and read it to you. Including the "Birds of North America" reference book that she read at my parents house the other day and now lets me know all the types of birds that we have in our yard as she sees them.
Last night we were so blessed to be able to spend some time with Lanes cousin who lives in Hungary and her adorable little girl Emma. Karleigh remembers when Emma was here a year (or more?) ago and was SO excited to see her last night. It also helps that she thinks it's so cool that there is a place called "hungry". We were probably out way too late for the girls but they were way too cute together and had so much fun visiting.
When we got home I told Karleigh to go tell Daddy all about it - so she goes and tells him how great it was and how "awesome" Emma is etc. When I asked her to tell him where Emma is from though she said "I don't know" I told her "yes you do Karleigh, what is the word that we use when we need food?" and do you know what MY daughter said?
"Famished??"
Seriously ... shes 4, who says that!?
I love her, she is crazy, and she is funny and she is smart and I could not be more proud of her.
Enjoy these few photos of Emma and Karleigh together in the studio!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I had it all figured out ... HA!
I always knew exactly what I wanted, I just had no idea what that looked like.
I am a planner, I like to know whats going on at all times, I don't like change, and I'm not good with surprises. So naturally I had my whole life mapped out from a very young age. I was going to be a mom, have 4 kids, get married and have a very busy, happy, family filled life.
"HA! " I bet thats what God was thinking while I made these 'plans' for myself.
Like much in this world, I got exactly what I asked for ... word for word, and in that order.
I was a mom, before I ever had kids. I used to joke that 'I always wanted kids - I just wasn't very specific as to whose kids I wanted'. Someone else knew better what I needed though and being a stepmom was definitely part of it! So after I was a mom, I had kids, and just as much as I needed to love someone elses children as my own, I also needed my own babies and the connection that comes with that. I really don't like the term "stepson" and rarely refer to Tristan that way, it makes me feel as if he is separate from Karleigh and Keegan and thats not how I feel about him. He's with me just as much as they are, we don't ever set the table for 4 its always set for 5, he drives me crazy sometimes JUST like they do :) and Karleigh is very aware that she has 2 brothers not just one. On the other hand I can't and do not pretend that he is MINE, I did not give birth to him when I was 11, that would just be weird and I don't claim anything different.
So I got my 4 kids and I did get married, to my best friend and had the most perfect fairy tale Wedding Day that I could have ever imagined. It all came true for me but with a small reminder that I was not the one in charge. So while I had my fun, planned my life and dreamt in all into reality, or so I felt ... I was clearly not the one with the final say. Its a good thing too, some of the things in my life I had no idea that I needed yet I don't know how I could live without them.
This was very evident last night when Lane and I got home from his birthday dinner. We had a great evening just visiting with each other, no kids needing to be played with, fed or changed just the 2 of us. Every once in a while I come up with random questions about his life before me, I'm not sure if its because I haven't asked before or if I purposely block them out sometimes but it's strange being married to someone who was married before. This is another part of my life that I did not ask for, didn't expect and still haven't figured out its importance but I'm sure its there somewhere! It's not as big a deal as I once thought it would be, I definitely don't think about it everyday and it has little significance if any to my marriage today but it's always there, somewhere in the back. I can only compare it to my own marriage even though I know they are/were very different, and I guess thats the part that's hard to grasp - quickly making me realize why I don't need to talk or think about it often.
When we got home though, Tristan had put Karleigh to bed. As if he didn't already know, she told him "this is the first time you've put me to bed 'Swist' " which is her lispy name for him. He checked on Keegan too, little boy in his big bed who was of course awake still and pretending to go to sleep every time the door closed. Listening to him fill me in on the cute things that both of the littles did was amazing. It reminded me why we are all a family, weird ages and all. Our house wouldn't be the same without all 5 of us living in it. Karleigh wouldn't be the same if she only had one brother and not 2, Keegan wouldn't be the same without his big brother T-T and thats becoming more and more obvious. Tristan wouldn't be the same if he was not around 100% of the time to meet new baby siblings in the hospital, watch for himself the way Dad and I love each other and respect one another (MOST of the time) and my marriage would not be the same if we didn't have the ability to go for coffee together or dinner once in a while knowing that the big kids can look after the little ones and I don't have the struggle of searching for a babysitter. All of these things that I had no idea I even needed ...
Yes, I had the perfect plan ... and it was perfectly altered. I only wish that Logan was still a part of our home and knew her brothers and sister better but I know in my heart that there is a reason for this also, one of the 'unknowns' that is just tougher to accept.
My household is a daily reminder that everything happens for a reason, that no matter how well we think we have things together - we can so quickly be surprised. Its also a reminder to have faith, if you find yourself at 21 with a 10 and 14 year old, stick it out ... because that recipe for disaster might just turn out to be something fabulous!
I am a planner, I like to know whats going on at all times, I don't like change, and I'm not good with surprises. So naturally I had my whole life mapped out from a very young age. I was going to be a mom, have 4 kids, get married and have a very busy, happy, family filled life.
"HA! " I bet thats what God was thinking while I made these 'plans' for myself.
Like much in this world, I got exactly what I asked for ... word for word, and in that order.
I was a mom, before I ever had kids. I used to joke that 'I always wanted kids - I just wasn't very specific as to whose kids I wanted'. Someone else knew better what I needed though and being a stepmom was definitely part of it! So after I was a mom, I had kids, and just as much as I needed to love someone elses children as my own, I also needed my own babies and the connection that comes with that. I really don't like the term "stepson" and rarely refer to Tristan that way, it makes me feel as if he is separate from Karleigh and Keegan and thats not how I feel about him. He's with me just as much as they are, we don't ever set the table for 4 its always set for 5, he drives me crazy sometimes JUST like they do :) and Karleigh is very aware that she has 2 brothers not just one. On the other hand I can't and do not pretend that he is MINE, I did not give birth to him when I was 11, that would just be weird and I don't claim anything different.
So I got my 4 kids and I did get married, to my best friend and had the most perfect fairy tale Wedding Day that I could have ever imagined. It all came true for me but with a small reminder that I was not the one in charge. So while I had my fun, planned my life and dreamt in all into reality, or so I felt ... I was clearly not the one with the final say. Its a good thing too, some of the things in my life I had no idea that I needed yet I don't know how I could live without them.
This was very evident last night when Lane and I got home from his birthday dinner. We had a great evening just visiting with each other, no kids needing to be played with, fed or changed just the 2 of us. Every once in a while I come up with random questions about his life before me, I'm not sure if its because I haven't asked before or if I purposely block them out sometimes but it's strange being married to someone who was married before. This is another part of my life that I did not ask for, didn't expect and still haven't figured out its importance but I'm sure its there somewhere! It's not as big a deal as I once thought it would be, I definitely don't think about it everyday and it has little significance if any to my marriage today but it's always there, somewhere in the back. I can only compare it to my own marriage even though I know they are/were very different, and I guess thats the part that's hard to grasp - quickly making me realize why I don't need to talk or think about it often.
When we got home though, Tristan had put Karleigh to bed. As if he didn't already know, she told him "this is the first time you've put me to bed 'Swist' " which is her lispy name for him. He checked on Keegan too, little boy in his big bed who was of course awake still and pretending to go to sleep every time the door closed. Listening to him fill me in on the cute things that both of the littles did was amazing. It reminded me why we are all a family, weird ages and all. Our house wouldn't be the same without all 5 of us living in it. Karleigh wouldn't be the same if she only had one brother and not 2, Keegan wouldn't be the same without his big brother T-T and thats becoming more and more obvious. Tristan wouldn't be the same if he was not around 100% of the time to meet new baby siblings in the hospital, watch for himself the way Dad and I love each other and respect one another (MOST of the time) and my marriage would not be the same if we didn't have the ability to go for coffee together or dinner once in a while knowing that the big kids can look after the little ones and I don't have the struggle of searching for a babysitter. All of these things that I had no idea I even needed ...
Yes, I had the perfect plan ... and it was perfectly altered. I only wish that Logan was still a part of our home and knew her brothers and sister better but I know in my heart that there is a reason for this also, one of the 'unknowns' that is just tougher to accept.
My household is a daily reminder that everything happens for a reason, that no matter how well we think we have things together - we can so quickly be surprised. Its also a reminder to have faith, if you find yourself at 21 with a 10 and 14 year old, stick it out ... because that recipe for disaster might just turn out to be something fabulous!
Monday, May 16, 2011
I don't care who you are thankful to, but please be thankful.
I use the word "blessed" quite frequently. I think that this bothers people sometimes, as if they scour peoples posts, statuses or blogs for the word and then immediately jump to "oh, they're Christian" as if that somehow changes them and they assume that "we" don't have the ability to feel blessed by anything or anyone but God.
Don't get me wrong, I thank God for SO many of the things in my life, I believe that with my whole heart - but I also believe that I am blessed by my husband with a friendship and a love that I could have never imagined. I believe that I am blessed by my kids for filling my life with more than I ever knew I could fit into it, and I am blessed by my friends, the people in my life, everyone that I am surrounded by, whether I chose them on purpose or they were put there just for me.
We spent this weekend in Vancouver, we've been promising our 15 year old (my stepson) for a very long time that we would take him for a couple of days just for a fun trip and life and business always seem to get in the way so this time we planned it, and we did it - nothing in the way :) We even brought his girlfriend along with us! I'm thankful that he not only wants to spend time with us still but that he even seems to enjoy it. Do the free dinners out make it more enjoyable for him? Probably, but I'll just pretend that he loves us THAT much.
Saturday Morning we were getting ready to head downtown, quick stop at Starbucks and we would be on our way. We all ordered, and we waited, and then waited some more and then were told that about half of what we had ordered couldn't be made because they didn't have the things necessary etc, etc. Not a huge deal, just sort of annoying. But they gave us something else instead plus some free drinks and we were out of there.
Before I explain what happened next let me just say this ... besides some of the major hurdles and struggles in my life (which you may or may not know about depending on how much of this blog you have read) things like that are about as bad as it gets. I don't even have to MAKE the coffee myself, so do I really care if they forget to put the Vanilla in my latte or don't have the banana for my smoothie? No, not really - I'll add it when I get home. I order pizza for my family on most Fridays and I always think its funny when they tell me ... "ohhh, that might be about 7 or 8 minutes" .... 7-8 minutes? Take 15 minutes, I dont care! I dont have to cook it and I can see my kids from here watching a movie in the car ... take all the time you want lady :) I can't be that spoiled, I just can't ... and heres why.
As we left Starbucks to head downtown we drove by a house, a driveway, and something I won't soon forget. It was grey and rainy out (typical Vancouver day) and I could see 2 people standing on a driveway. As we got closer I saw luggage in his hands, and then I saw her. Probably the saddest face I have ever seen, just sobbing and even though it was silent from inside the car I felt like I could hear her cries. Clearly he was leaving, and not for a business trip or a "see you later" sort of thing. I thought to myself, this is what it looks like when your love leaves you. It was right there infront of me, standing in the rain, drenched and crying.
So for the husband I was sitting beside, for the latte that was in my hand, and for the 8 minute pizza I consider myself blessed. I am nowhere near where those 2 were and I am so thankful, and its important to me that I acknowledge that.
I don't care who you thank for the things in your life, if you don't have faith in a God do I wish for your sake that you did? Sure, but whats even more important and what I really care about, is that you thank someone, ANYone for your blessings, because we all have them. No matter how bad our day might be, someone elses is always worse. I believe that my outside struggles are so minimal because the ones on the inside of our family are quite substantial and we are never given more than we can handle, so for that, for those tiny bumps in my day - I am thankful, I am blessed.
*here are a few photos from our weekend*
Don't get me wrong, I thank God for SO many of the things in my life, I believe that with my whole heart - but I also believe that I am blessed by my husband with a friendship and a love that I could have never imagined. I believe that I am blessed by my kids for filling my life with more than I ever knew I could fit into it, and I am blessed by my friends, the people in my life, everyone that I am surrounded by, whether I chose them on purpose or they were put there just for me.
We spent this weekend in Vancouver, we've been promising our 15 year old (my stepson) for a very long time that we would take him for a couple of days just for a fun trip and life and business always seem to get in the way so this time we planned it, and we did it - nothing in the way :) We even brought his girlfriend along with us! I'm thankful that he not only wants to spend time with us still but that he even seems to enjoy it. Do the free dinners out make it more enjoyable for him? Probably, but I'll just pretend that he loves us THAT much.
Saturday Morning we were getting ready to head downtown, quick stop at Starbucks and we would be on our way. We all ordered, and we waited, and then waited some more and then were told that about half of what we had ordered couldn't be made because they didn't have the things necessary etc, etc. Not a huge deal, just sort of annoying. But they gave us something else instead plus some free drinks and we were out of there.
Before I explain what happened next let me just say this ... besides some of the major hurdles and struggles in my life (which you may or may not know about depending on how much of this blog you have read) things like that are about as bad as it gets. I don't even have to MAKE the coffee myself, so do I really care if they forget to put the Vanilla in my latte or don't have the banana for my smoothie? No, not really - I'll add it when I get home. I order pizza for my family on most Fridays and I always think its funny when they tell me ... "ohhh, that might be about 7 or 8 minutes" .... 7-8 minutes? Take 15 minutes, I dont care! I dont have to cook it and I can see my kids from here watching a movie in the car ... take all the time you want lady :) I can't be that spoiled, I just can't ... and heres why.
As we left Starbucks to head downtown we drove by a house, a driveway, and something I won't soon forget. It was grey and rainy out (typical Vancouver day) and I could see 2 people standing on a driveway. As we got closer I saw luggage in his hands, and then I saw her. Probably the saddest face I have ever seen, just sobbing and even though it was silent from inside the car I felt like I could hear her cries. Clearly he was leaving, and not for a business trip or a "see you later" sort of thing. I thought to myself, this is what it looks like when your love leaves you. It was right there infront of me, standing in the rain, drenched and crying.
So for the husband I was sitting beside, for the latte that was in my hand, and for the 8 minute pizza I consider myself blessed. I am nowhere near where those 2 were and I am so thankful, and its important to me that I acknowledge that.
I don't care who you thank for the things in your life, if you don't have faith in a God do I wish for your sake that you did? Sure, but whats even more important and what I really care about, is that you thank someone, ANYone for your blessings, because we all have them. No matter how bad our day might be, someone elses is always worse. I believe that my outside struggles are so minimal because the ones on the inside of our family are quite substantial and we are never given more than we can handle, so for that, for those tiny bumps in my day - I am thankful, I am blessed.
*here are a few photos from our weekend*
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Night Night - MA!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I have 2 of the best sleepers in the history of kids! I know, I know, someone of you hate me after reading only that first sentence but lets be serious, they will make up for it at some point I'm sure. If you've read any of my previous posts, some of our kids already ARE making up for it actually, but thats not what this is about.
Karleigh and Keegan (my littles) are 2.5 years apart, Keegans crib converts into a double bed and Karleigh was in a toddler bed at he time he was born. Naturally I figured we will just wait until they are both ready (because in my perfect life this will happen exactly as I plan it right?? LOL) and then just switch them, Keegan into the toddler and Karleigh into a double.
A few months ago it became very obvious that while I wasn't sure if Keeg was ready for his new bed, Karleigh definitely was. So we made the switch - SANS bed frame for Karleigh just yet and just put her new mattress and bedding on the floor, moving the toddler bed into Keegans room while his crib was still in there just incase.
Up to this point he has had little interest, hasn't complained at all but when I have tried to put him in the toddler he starts off like its a fun game, "night night, MA! (blowing kisses) etc. but when he realizes that I am serious he looks at me like I'm crazy, grabs his buzz lightyear, his woody AND his hat (very particular about that hat) his larry the cucumber, his handy manny, the other buzz (smaller and stuffed) and stands by his crib as if to say "ok mom, jokes over". At first I was worried, much like a big kid with a soother I thought, I don't want to be THAT mom with the kid still in the crib. However, I then thought to myself - this kid sleeps 13 hours solid every night, maybe more ... if its not broke, what the hell am I doing!? I mean, don't fix it ... right?
Last night started off like every other night, "ok Keeg its bedtime", up the stairs, "heres all your 'guys' and night night". He blows me a kiss "MA!" and I turn off the light. When I left the room though he started crying, which is unlike him, so I went in. He reached up asking for "nuggles" which is also unlike him so I picked him up and sat down on the closest thing, the toddler bed. We rocked for a few minutes and sang quietly just like when he was a baby, perfect moments for a mama. Once he was relaxed again I put him back into his crib, just as I was about to close the door though he reached out again, clearly wanting something specific so I took him out, put him down and he ran straight for his big boy bed, climbed in and pulled the covers up! "Night, night ... MA!" I couldn't believe it, so I sat with him for quite a while, making sure he was really quiet. I sang a few more songs, and before I knew it he was singing to me! The Veggie Tales theme song LOL one of his favourites and not really a bed time song but whatever, and telling me all kinds of stories. I couldn't believe how big he seemed, chatting away to me in his own language and his facial expressions that said he ABSOLUTELY knew what he was talking about even if I couldn't make out every word. At one point, because it was so dark all I could see was his little face lit up by the tiny crack under his blinds, I couldn't see his boyish jammies or the boyish toys that were all around him or even much of his short hair, but as I watched him he looked exactly like Karleigh did. I've never seen them look SO identical and yes, it made me cry ... When did they both get so big?
Now for a dose of reality because I always love to share that I do in fact have that - I probably went into Keegans room 10 or 15 times last night between 7:30 and 9:30 pm because I could hear him scampering around his room, checking out all the stuff that he normally can't reach in the middle of the night and flicking his light on and off. At one point I heard a thud, I went in and saw him on the floor looking quite confused ... as if to tell me "Mom, how come I can fall out of this bed but not my other one" haha he wasn't crying at all just confused. I eventually put him back in his crib and he is still sleeping .... I might have had a selfish moment wondering what time he would be in my room this morning if I left him in the bed all night.
Some might look at that as a step backwards and thats ok, for me, I'm happy that he thinks the toddler bed is cool now. I'm happy that we shared those moments because they were priceless. I'm happy that we are on the right track and as I also say about the "big kids" with soothers or the non-potty trained ones, they won't be like that forever, it just won't happen, eventually they all learn.
So with that, I'm also happy that he was asleep 5 minutes after being in his crib, I got to sleep all night like usual and I might just have a few more days of him sleeping 13 hours before I am back to the toddler at my bedside at 5 or 6 am, grumpy by 10am and all the fun that comes with it. I have done that once, and I'm in no hurry to be there again - I think I'll enjoy this for a while longer.
Night Night - Ma!
Karleigh and Keegan (my littles) are 2.5 years apart, Keegans crib converts into a double bed and Karleigh was in a toddler bed at he time he was born. Naturally I figured we will just wait until they are both ready (because in my perfect life this will happen exactly as I plan it right?? LOL) and then just switch them, Keegan into the toddler and Karleigh into a double.
A few months ago it became very obvious that while I wasn't sure if Keeg was ready for his new bed, Karleigh definitely was. So we made the switch - SANS bed frame for Karleigh just yet and just put her new mattress and bedding on the floor, moving the toddler bed into Keegans room while his crib was still in there just incase.
Up to this point he has had little interest, hasn't complained at all but when I have tried to put him in the toddler he starts off like its a fun game, "night night, MA! (blowing kisses) etc. but when he realizes that I am serious he looks at me like I'm crazy, grabs his buzz lightyear, his woody AND his hat (very particular about that hat) his larry the cucumber, his handy manny, the other buzz (smaller and stuffed) and stands by his crib as if to say "ok mom, jokes over". At first I was worried, much like a big kid with a soother I thought, I don't want to be THAT mom with the kid still in the crib. However, I then thought to myself - this kid sleeps 13 hours solid every night, maybe more ... if its not broke, what the hell am I doing!? I mean, don't fix it ... right?
Last night started off like every other night, "ok Keeg its bedtime", up the stairs, "heres all your 'guys' and night night". He blows me a kiss "MA!" and I turn off the light. When I left the room though he started crying, which is unlike him, so I went in. He reached up asking for "nuggles" which is also unlike him so I picked him up and sat down on the closest thing, the toddler bed. We rocked for a few minutes and sang quietly just like when he was a baby, perfect moments for a mama. Once he was relaxed again I put him back into his crib, just as I was about to close the door though he reached out again, clearly wanting something specific so I took him out, put him down and he ran straight for his big boy bed, climbed in and pulled the covers up! "Night, night ... MA!" I couldn't believe it, so I sat with him for quite a while, making sure he was really quiet. I sang a few more songs, and before I knew it he was singing to me! The Veggie Tales theme song LOL one of his favourites and not really a bed time song but whatever, and telling me all kinds of stories. I couldn't believe how big he seemed, chatting away to me in his own language and his facial expressions that said he ABSOLUTELY knew what he was talking about even if I couldn't make out every word. At one point, because it was so dark all I could see was his little face lit up by the tiny crack under his blinds, I couldn't see his boyish jammies or the boyish toys that were all around him or even much of his short hair, but as I watched him he looked exactly like Karleigh did. I've never seen them look SO identical and yes, it made me cry ... When did they both get so big?
Now for a dose of reality because I always love to share that I do in fact have that - I probably went into Keegans room 10 or 15 times last night between 7:30 and 9:30 pm because I could hear him scampering around his room, checking out all the stuff that he normally can't reach in the middle of the night and flicking his light on and off. At one point I heard a thud, I went in and saw him on the floor looking quite confused ... as if to tell me "Mom, how come I can fall out of this bed but not my other one" haha he wasn't crying at all just confused. I eventually put him back in his crib and he is still sleeping .... I might have had a selfish moment wondering what time he would be in my room this morning if I left him in the bed all night.
Some might look at that as a step backwards and thats ok, for me, I'm happy that he thinks the toddler bed is cool now. I'm happy that we shared those moments because they were priceless. I'm happy that we are on the right track and as I also say about the "big kids" with soothers or the non-potty trained ones, they won't be like that forever, it just won't happen, eventually they all learn.
So with that, I'm also happy that he was asleep 5 minutes after being in his crib, I got to sleep all night like usual and I might just have a few more days of him sleeping 13 hours before I am back to the toddler at my bedside at 5 or 6 am, grumpy by 10am and all the fun that comes with it. I have done that once, and I'm in no hurry to be there again - I think I'll enjoy this for a while longer.
Night Night - Ma!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
wonder what this year will bring ...
I had a birthday ... another one. I have one annually, usually around the same time, but this one just felt extra blessed.
The power of facebook amazes me. Nearly 90 people took time out of their day to send me a birthday wish (I counted, yes, I'm a dork) There were words like "beautiful" and "adorable" and "sweet" among those messages and I was blown away. I know that on any given day there are multiple people with the status "Thanks everyone for all the birthday wishes" but the day after MY birthday I wished I could see all 90 of those people in person so that they could see on my face how TRULY thankful I was that they made an effort to acknowledge me that day. Such a simple reminder of how our actions can effect others, so if you were in that group of people, I thank you again ... you made my day and I was humbled by your kindness.
The rest of my day was awesome! I went for coffee with my handsome husband in the morning, had my family over for brunch, and celebrated with some of my sweetest friends that night over dinner and drinks (and a surprise ice cream cake!) every free moment in between that I was laying in the sunshine since it was 20 degrees outside that day and I even snuck in a little nap in the afternoon. Keegan woke me up, only to snuggle in next to me and Karleigh followed shortly after, I was the happiest mom in the world!
Now lets be serious, my day couldn't have really been THAT perfect and for all of you who are practically gagging at this point I will throw in the bit of real life that I am in fact a part of. I wish that all of my kids could have been there with me, or all of my family for that matter. One was sick :( one was away at a retreat, one of my kids was at work and the other ... well, they were in jail.
Have you picked your jaw up off the floor yet?? Yes, its still me ... the same me that I was 10 seconds ago before you read that. Its my life ... and I can't pretend that its any different.
People often think that I have a perfect life, they think that because I am blessed with a wonderful family vacation each year and the flexibility to travel with my Photography business, because I adore my husband and I have beautiful kids, including one of the only nearly-perfect teenage sons left on the planet, they think thats where it ends, but its never really that way, is it?
I choose to see the bright side, I choose to see the smiles on my kids faces and deal quickly with the tears so that we can move onto something better. I choose to see my husbands quirks (there are QUITE the lot if you know him) as something, as he says ... that I will miss when he is gone one day haha and I choose to see all the beauty that is in my family because there is SO much of it. I also choose to share THOSE parts with the rest of you because that is the way that I want you to think of me. However, I also want those of you who might not live the great parts of my life, who maybe don't feel like they are as blessed, who feel like the crap is just piling up on them to know, that I have my own pile too, and its large.
Life is what we make of it, and while I do not ignore the ugly parts, I have worked hard to let the good far outweigh the bad.
So I wonder, what will happen in my 27th year. I feel a very strong push to share more this year, to reach out more and to support more. At this point I'm not entirely sure what that looks like. I have a lot of people to consider if I am going to "share" and I need it to be ok with those people before I do so ... but if I do ... I think it will be something great.
If you have any thoughts, and we all do ... I'd love to hear them.
*heres a couple of birthday Photos, the first is Danielle and I (we've been friends for 6 years and I probably see her the most often and only recently, specifically the last 2 weeks when I have really needed a friend, a real friend, to pray for my family or to count on ... have I noticed how much I really love our friendship ... my homemade raspberry ice cream completely sealed the deal too!)
The power of facebook amazes me. Nearly 90 people took time out of their day to send me a birthday wish (I counted, yes, I'm a dork) There were words like "beautiful" and "adorable" and "sweet" among those messages and I was blown away. I know that on any given day there are multiple people with the status "Thanks everyone for all the birthday wishes" but the day after MY birthday I wished I could see all 90 of those people in person so that they could see on my face how TRULY thankful I was that they made an effort to acknowledge me that day. Such a simple reminder of how our actions can effect others, so if you were in that group of people, I thank you again ... you made my day and I was humbled by your kindness.
The rest of my day was awesome! I went for coffee with my handsome husband in the morning, had my family over for brunch, and celebrated with some of my sweetest friends that night over dinner and drinks (and a surprise ice cream cake!) every free moment in between that I was laying in the sunshine since it was 20 degrees outside that day and I even snuck in a little nap in the afternoon. Keegan woke me up, only to snuggle in next to me and Karleigh followed shortly after, I was the happiest mom in the world!
Now lets be serious, my day couldn't have really been THAT perfect and for all of you who are practically gagging at this point I will throw in the bit of real life that I am in fact a part of. I wish that all of my kids could have been there with me, or all of my family for that matter. One was sick :( one was away at a retreat, one of my kids was at work and the other ... well, they were in jail.
Have you picked your jaw up off the floor yet?? Yes, its still me ... the same me that I was 10 seconds ago before you read that. Its my life ... and I can't pretend that its any different.
People often think that I have a perfect life, they think that because I am blessed with a wonderful family vacation each year and the flexibility to travel with my Photography business, because I adore my husband and I have beautiful kids, including one of the only nearly-perfect teenage sons left on the planet, they think thats where it ends, but its never really that way, is it?
I choose to see the bright side, I choose to see the smiles on my kids faces and deal quickly with the tears so that we can move onto something better. I choose to see my husbands quirks (there are QUITE the lot if you know him) as something, as he says ... that I will miss when he is gone one day haha and I choose to see all the beauty that is in my family because there is SO much of it. I also choose to share THOSE parts with the rest of you because that is the way that I want you to think of me. However, I also want those of you who might not live the great parts of my life, who maybe don't feel like they are as blessed, who feel like the crap is just piling up on them to know, that I have my own pile too, and its large.
Life is what we make of it, and while I do not ignore the ugly parts, I have worked hard to let the good far outweigh the bad.
So I wonder, what will happen in my 27th year. I feel a very strong push to share more this year, to reach out more and to support more. At this point I'm not entirely sure what that looks like. I have a lot of people to consider if I am going to "share" and I need it to be ok with those people before I do so ... but if I do ... I think it will be something great.
If you have any thoughts, and we all do ... I'd love to hear them.
*heres a couple of birthday Photos, the first is Danielle and I (we've been friends for 6 years and I probably see her the most often and only recently, specifically the last 2 weeks when I have really needed a friend, a real friend, to pray for my family or to count on ... have I noticed how much I really love our friendship ... my homemade raspberry ice cream completely sealed the deal too!)
Lane, Karleigh and I.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
when I grow up
I remember having a conversation with my Mom once. I was looking at her Wedding Dress, which for the record I think is pretty. It isn't a big, fancy gown ... in fact she made it the night before her Wedding. If you know my Mom, this isn't really a big shock.
I asked her "am I supposed to wear this when I get married??" half seriously wanting to know but thinking to myself "what if she actually says YES!"
She looked at me and said "oh I hope not!" haha
Today though, when Karleigh stepped into MY Wedding gown, the one I wore when I married her Daddy, and she was my little flower girl, she looked up at me and said "can I wear this when I get married??"
I mostly definitely said YES!
Enjoy these sweet pictures of my little girl ... I kept it together today, but if she wears this down the aisle one day I will need a LOT of kleenex!
if you haven't seen my website please check it out *
I asked her "am I supposed to wear this when I get married??" half seriously wanting to know but thinking to myself "what if she actually says YES!"
She looked at me and said "oh I hope not!" haha
Today though, when Karleigh stepped into MY Wedding gown, the one I wore when I married her Daddy, and she was my little flower girl, she looked up at me and said "can I wear this when I get married??"
I mostly definitely said YES!
Enjoy these sweet pictures of my little girl ... I kept it together today, but if she wears this down the aisle one day I will need a LOT of kleenex!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentines Day ... whats your take on it
Valentines Day ... I like it.
Do I think its been blown way out of proportion ... perhaps. Do I think it's a sad day for those who are single ... not at all. I think its awesome that there is one day set aside to just be lovey, be warm and fuzzy. One day where God made sure that all the couples in the world had the chance for at least one date night a year. One day out of 365 that is set aside to choose someone or something that means so much to you, one person or maybe a special group of friends, and love them a little extra just for 24 hours.
There will always be people who don't like something ... those who hate Valentines Day may also be those who hate Christmas or dread their next birthday ... you can't please everyone, but as for me ... Im cool with it.
This morning when Karleigh woke up I said "guess what?? Happy Valentines Day!"
She looked at me and said "Thanks Mom!! I've been waiting for this day for years ago!!!" (yes I know ... it makes no sense, but in her 4 year old mind its just right) She then pranced off to preschool in her heart leggings and "jumping jeans" aka her jean jumper and handed out all her little hand made cards to the 6 boys that are in her class, yep, Karleigh and 6 boys. She also told me at least 8 times throughout the day "thanks for Valentines Day Mom"
So really ... seriously ... how can I NOT love a day like that.
Thats all xo
Do I think its been blown way out of proportion ... perhaps. Do I think it's a sad day for those who are single ... not at all. I think its awesome that there is one day set aside to just be lovey, be warm and fuzzy. One day where God made sure that all the couples in the world had the chance for at least one date night a year. One day out of 365 that is set aside to choose someone or something that means so much to you, one person or maybe a special group of friends, and love them a little extra just for 24 hours.
There will always be people who don't like something ... those who hate Valentines Day may also be those who hate Christmas or dread their next birthday ... you can't please everyone, but as for me ... Im cool with it.
This morning when Karleigh woke up I said "guess what?? Happy Valentines Day!"
She looked at me and said "Thanks Mom!! I've been waiting for this day for years ago!!!" (yes I know ... it makes no sense, but in her 4 year old mind its just right) She then pranced off to preschool in her heart leggings and "jumping jeans" aka her jean jumper and handed out all her little hand made cards to the 6 boys that are in her class, yep, Karleigh and 6 boys. She also told me at least 8 times throughout the day "thanks for Valentines Day Mom"
So really ... seriously ... how can I NOT love a day like that.
Thats all xo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)