6 weeks later

I'm supposed to be packing. Painting my toes. Getting some sleep. Tomorrow morning I leave for Maui with my best friend to celebrate our 3rd Wedding Anniversary.

But I can't do that until I celebrate something else first.

On May 27th I posted this ... http://aprilmartinsblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-wish-wonder-and-am-thankful-but-it.html

If someone had told me then what the next few weeks would hold I would have never believed them, I suppose there are some things that we need to learn on our own.

On June 13th, 2.5 weeks after posting that, she started treatment.

One week later I took her little sister to visit her ... it started off a little rocky, but ended up being so wonderful.

2 weeks later we took her brother down, she had asked for him and THAT was a huge step. She needed to pay attention to him again for a change and he so very much deserved to see her doing so well, after the years of what we have all seen instead. Later that same day we surprised her with a visit from her dad, an image that will not soon leave my memory and something that, as I was told, was SO amazing and important for her recovery. She needed to know that he was there, and that he loves her ... and she is now certain of that.

2 more weeks, another visit and an incredible conversation (photos from this visit below) I told her about this blog, that I shared details, that anyone who reads it is very likely aware of who I am speaking about. I told her that I will print these off for her to see, to see how it has effected our family also and what it is like on this side, in my mind at least. She was completely ok with that and actually looks forward to reading these posts. She held my hand through the parking lot and into the store as if that was the way it was supposed to be, chatting away and happy ... something we haven't seen her be for years.

This post is very "point form" and maybe a little drab, but if you knew how much emotion is within these lines it would mean so much more. To anyone who has a loved one with an addiction, you will understand. To anyone who has a loved one with an addiction you can read this and know that it IS possible, just as I read other blogs over the last 4 years and couldn't let myself be that hopeful.

I know that not everyone is as fortunate as we are in these situations, and my heart absolutely breaks for those families ... I also know that just because we are on the right path right now, doesn't mean that we will always be on it. I have to remember that fact ... as hard as it is to accept.

6 weeks ago was a day that I never thought I would have to deal with. Never thought I would see at all much less WANT to see.

6 weeks ago a very beautiful soul had a very powerful nudge and made an extremely important decision. She has a long road ahead, as do we as her family ... but wow, we are actually ON that road now!

Now I can go pack, paint my toes, whatever. Most importantly though - we can go away tomorrow, leave the country, and know that all 4 kids are safe ... thats a first, and a very welcomed one.

3 Years Later ...

3 Years ago my Daddy walked his Little Girl down an aisle and agreed to "share" me with the new man in my life. We spoke these words to each other and they are more true now than I could have ever imagined ...

On this day and in the presence of God I give to you this sacred  
promise. I promise to be myself with you, to share all of my  
sentiments, dreams, goals, fears, hopes and worries. 

I promise to want  the best for you, to wish for your success and to hope for the  

fulfillment of all your endeavours. I promise to be honest with you and  

pledge my loyalty and faithfulness to you. To cherish your friendship,  
adore your personality, respect your values and love you for who you  
are. I promise to believe in our relationship and to stand by it  
through the toughest of times. To have faith in our strength as a  
couple and to never give up on us, and I promise to spend the rest of  
my life with you as your best friend.

Happy 3rd Anniversary Lane, I love you with all of my heart and with all that I have.

my life ... in 7 days.

This is what it looks like starting one week ago

Wednesday night - rather than keep this evening free I decide to squeeze in a Family/Newborn session in my studio. Adorably sweet ... but the packing for the road trip the next day is not going to get itself done. It will have to wait too because one of my besties is here from the Island and we NEED to visit ... until midnight.

Thursday Morning - Wake up and remember that I was supposed to get some work done the night before and did not. Wake up extra early to put in an hour in my office before the kids wake up, except Keegan wakes up anyway! Get little kids ready, this WOULD be the one day that Karleigh sleeps in. Take them over to Grammas house. As Im walking out the door Karleigh says "Mama you packed my ballet bag right?" ... wrong. Ok, let me go get gas, run back to the house and I will drop it off on our way out of town. Go home, grab the bag, add a few extra diapers for Keegan incase who KNOWS what might happen on our trip that would keep us away for any extra time and we are on our way!
Thursday Afternoon - drive drive drive, drop Lane off at the dealership to pick up my new car (can I just say I LOVE it!!) and Tristan and I head in another direction to go and see Logan. She knows that we are coming, but does not know that Lane is. We pick up dinner for ... a lot of people, and head over! Its amazing, its encouraging, it almost doesnt seem real. We listen to her tell us about the things that she is working through, processing, its beyond words! Lane shows up and holy goodness ... the photo below will describe this moment better than I ever could. We take her out for a while and return her safe and sound and begin our trip back home. Drive ... drive, and drive some more.

Friday morning - arrive home at 1am. Sleep for a few hours and pick up the littles by 8 so that I can get them ready (again) and get KL ready for dance camp and there by 10. Drop her off, come home and meet a great friend at my house for some baby shower planning! Talk, talk, talk ... til 11:45 and then I leave to get Karleigh.
Friday afternoon ... get Tristan to work, laugh at the idea of even cooking dinner and to be very honest I can't even tell you what we ate that night ... hmmmm, nope, no idea.
Friday night ... April Martin you have a workshop to teach ... TOMORROW!! Head out to get supplies (notebooks and yummy treats, it is all women after all!) and fit in a quick coffee with my mother in law to give her the update on Logan, which I am VERY happy to give since its such positive news. Come home, grab my folder for my workshop and attempt to review before bed, spill glass of wine all over papers and decide that its just time to go to bed. I've done this workshop before, I'm good at it ... nothing to worry about :)

Saturday - workshop 10-2 ... and why not throw a Family Session in at 3pm just for good measure right? Come home, have wonderful friends over for a bbq and I think I might have even relaxed this night ... but thats debatable.

Sunday - THIS morning I definitely relaxed ... I think. Photographed a beautiful Wedding in the afternoon, arrived late to a little friends birthday party due to work and LEFT early due to my crazy 2 year old who thought it was ok to throw a fit the size of my new truck and me? I thought otherwise. I dragged him out of there, left Lane to bring Karleigh home and as soon as we got in the car all I heard the whole way home was ... "Hi Mum. I love you Mum. Hi Mum." aaaaaggggghhhhhhhh!

Monday - Keegan Reid gymnastics Day 1. Oh Lord. I'm not sure what I was thinking. He loved it, however did not listen. This was ok, he had fun, nobody got hurt and by 9:45 I was pretty much ready for a nap, although I don't remember the last time I actually had one of those. Pick up snack for the kids and head up to Gramma B's house so that I can drop them off and go check out Wedding Venues with another Bestie. I feel like my day is going well, and then my sweet stepson calls. Can I pick him up, yes but it will need to be soon since Keegan needs to nap and if he falls asleep in the car I will miss my window. Can you take me to another friends house? Fine, but again ... what I said before. Can we stop at home so I can brush my teeth? Are you kidding me?? BAH! Fine ... yes ... but why is the concept of bringing your overnight things to a SLEEP-OVER such a tough thing to grasp?? At this point, leaving the Wedding site, smoke coming out of my ears ... I am SO thankful that Lane offers to do the picking up, brush teeth and re-drop off duties. Why? Oh yes, that baby shower? Its tonight!! Eek!! Pick up kids, get home, Keegan naps (do you hear the angels singing???) and I prepare for the evenings event :) Good food, cute babies, great friends ... it all went perfectly! Monday night ... me ... sleep.

Tuesday - Keegan Reid gymnastis day 2. He's not so excited about it today. Its a car themed day and everytime he hears someone say car he runs to me and says "ok??" because he wants to go home. We leave the class about 10 minutes early at his request. At this point why not have a play date right?? So I have 2 girlfriends and 4 additional kids over :) So crazy but so fun and I love my friends too much, even when we have a bunch of crazies running around us I am so thankful that I have them. By about 12:30 its very evident that all of these kids needs naps or at least quiet times so things quiet down, company disperses and eventually its just me. Who am I kidding, its never JUST me ... but maybe I was in the bathroom or something, in there its just me, well, sometimes. I take a breath, and realize that I need to leave in an hour to get Tristan to work. Drop him off, come home, make dinner, Logan calls. YAY! First day that she's been able to phone and its so good to hear her voice. Get a quick update from her, all is well, say our "love you's" and that's that. 2 minutes later, the facility calls with another update, still all good but just filling me in. Meanwhile I see Keegan streaking through the hallway and down the stairs, apparently he is out of his bath. Finish up on the phone, get some clothes on my little nudist and then head off for a late birthday celebration because my life got in the way of her REAL birthday. (you're welcome for the best Veggie Burger in town xo) Get home with time to visit with my husband for a bit, and instead realize that its been a long week (a long month if I'm being really honest) and we are just not on the same page at that moment, so I head to bed. Loving him, him loving me ... but not in chatty moods. Meh ... what am I gonna do.

Weds Morning - gymnastics = SUCCESS!! yay! He has fun, and again I feel like I have my whole day planned out properly. Then another text, seems that the kid that I THOUGHT was at home, is not. Drop Karleigh off at a friends house because its not her fault that she's part of a crazy family, take Keegan home, wait for house cleaners to arrive (its not as glamorous as it sounds ... get over it) do a walk through with them and then pack Keeg up again to start the next part of our day. Starbucks ... thank GOD for Starbucks! Take Keegan to the park in a half attempt to be a good mom for 15 minutes before our next chore. Sit down, watch him on the slide and remember that today is Logans 30th day :) Call florist (keep one eye on Keegan) order a delivery for her (still watching him) give her all the info including all the siblings names and spelling. Hang up and realize its time to go get Tristan now. Convince Keegan that it will be really fun and that we're going to see "T" ... he decides to believe me and we are off! Pick up Trist, take him to work, pick up Karleigh, go home, put Keegan down for a nap, realize that Karleigh is getting a nasty cold, send her for a nap also and then .... nothing. ahhhhhhhhh.
Keegan wakes up, we play in the yard, go in the pool, he snuggles me on the blanket on the grass and I don't even care that he's getting red popsicle all over me ... at that moment, life is perfect. Fast forward, make dinner, head off to another shoot in the studio, get gas and almost choke at how much it costs to fill this new beast! pick up Tristan from work and come home. Sneak into Karleighs room to give her some medicine, sit for a minute ... hear Keegan, get him out of my closet??? I know ... and get him back to bed.

That brings me to now ... many times this week I have thought about making my facebook status read something like "If you are not my child or my husband ... don't ask me for anything" but then there were times when I thought "even if you are my child or my husband, don't ask me for anything" and then my heart started to work again and I realized that I love people, even though my dads saying of "I hate everybody" has really made a lot of sense to me this week. I'm tired, as I told Tristan today. Not "sick" and tired, just literally tired from life right now. I know some people have it worse, or more busy, and that's fine. It won't make me feel better for someone to tell me that their life is busier ... sometimes my life, my husband and my 4 (3 at home) kids are enough busy for me ... enough so that its tiring, whether I love it or not.

I'd love to tell you that this post has a point but it doesnt ... I don't think. Its just another look into my life. If you're still reading, there must be a reason.

Enjoy these photos ... I love these people. Before there were the littles in our lives it was these 3 that I fell in love with first.

it's all worth it

I'm driving my 15 year old (when did he GET that old!) to a friends house the other night and we are talking about his older sister. I'm telling him how great she is doing, that she is so willing to get better, no matter what that looks like and so excited about God and how he will work with her through all of this. As the conversation continues I become very aware of the reality that is taking place. Yes, things are going very well right now. Yes, things that we NEVER thought possible are happening at this very moment and it is nothing short of a miracle, or at least this is how it feels for our family and others who have been down this road I am sure. However, I have to be real with myself and know that just as quickly as this happened, it could change back. I have to remind myself that this is a long road and the hard part is not necessarily over ... not yet.
I tried to explain to Tristan that it's sort of like when your toddler drives you crazy all day long (and he lives with my 2 year old so he gets this analogy) but at night they are so sweet and angelic that it makes up for anything that happened that day.
When someone you love is in a dark place and then decides to accept help, when you can see them turning back into the person that they once were ... it almost makes up for the 4 and a half years of pain. Pain that was felt through the whole family, moms, dads, siblings, everyone and none more than the person themselves.

As a good parent thats all we want, thats all we can hope for - that one day they will see what we see so clearly.

There will be bad days, no doubt. Knowing though, that when there is a bad day, or maybe a terrible day, that she is surrounded by support and people who care, that makes it all worth it.

As a parent when you have to accept the fact that YOU can't help your child, that stings like nothing else. When you've admitted to yourself that holding their hand through this won't cut it this time, you are then eternally grateful for the Angels that come along and CAN help. People who have made this their life, who love your family almost as much as you do. It's hard to believe that these people truly exist but I assure you they do, and THEY make it all worth it.

I don't share these stories for any other reason than this ...

Throughout the last 4 years I have come across other brave parents, family members, even friends who have walked this road. They were not afraid or embarrassed to tell their stories and in doing so they helped me more than I could ever express. If by sharing MY families stories I can help or encourage even one person ... all of the hard days, all of the "why don't you keep that private?" ... it will all be worth it.