She's not a baby anymore.

It's been about 6 weeks since my last post. Not that there haven't been things going on, but I just haven't had the energy to blog about them. You can try only so much with certain things, but when they start to effect your everyday life, your marriage, and your kids ... enough is enough. Not all things are mine to "mend" and I need to remind myself of that.

I was waiting, sure that something would come along, or happen and I would have that "AHA!" moment and know exactly what I should write about. Well it did, but not nearly in the form that I thought it would. I was expecting something bubbly and happy, maybe even funny. Instead I got this ...

My sweet 5 year old will not put her head under water. I mean seriously, won't do it. We are on round 4 of the same level in swimming because she is just determined that there is another way to swim and play in the water and even surf one day, without ever having to do this.

I've been trying, I tell her when we go to lessons that she needs to really try and be brave, and to ask her teacher for help is she is scared. She won't do it. I've tried putting her in the shower, she hates it. I've tried telling her that she needs to learn before we go to Hawaii or she won't be able to go in the pool, she says ok, but nothing changes.

A few nights ago I tried pouring water over her head. Before you judge me ... I totally gave her warning. I told her what I was going to do, told her to close her eyes, explained it entirely ... out came the water, and oh MY word the blood curdling screams that came out of that girl were enough to make my skin crawl. I hauled her out, bath time was over.

Don't ask me why I thought trying that again tonight would be a smart idea, but I did. Told her a long time before she went into the tub that this is what we were going to do, told her as she was getting in ... when she came running into my office totally naked telling me that she was finished her bath, in a panic because she knew that the "water over the head time" must be coming soon ... I should have let it be, but I didn't. I got her back in the tub, and once again told her "ok, close your eyes. Water doesn't hurt your eyes, its ok"

The first time ... fine. Second time ... fine. Third time ... blood curdling screams. She threw the monster of all 5 year old fits and I threw the monster of all terrible mother fits. Out of the bath, into her towel, into her room and told her that's fine, when we go away on vacation she can just stay home because she obviously doesn't want to listen or try.

What kind of a Mother am I!? Who was that crazy lady telling her little girl these things ...

When we both calmed down I went back into her room to help her get ready for bed, brush her hair (that never did get washed because of our episode) and to talk to her. I asked her what she was feeling. "Sad." I asked her why. "Because you told me that you were going to leave me here and you promised me that you would never leave me"

Now we are both crying. Poor little Angel.

I turned her around and told her that she was absolutely right, I won't ever leave her (in some houses this holds more value than others and in ours its a big deal) I had no idea that was the answer that she would give me. No idea that her little heart even remembered things like that. I was so proud of her for sticking up for herself that way, and so ashamed of myself for making her have to. Good Mom's don't do that, I'm a good Mom, I can't do that.

We have agreed now if she thinks I am getting mad and she doesn't like it she can tell me that I need to have a time out. *I have no doubt that she will use this very soon whether its necessary or not*

My job is to be the safe place for my babies. I need to remember also that they will not always BE babies, and one day they will say something that will very clearly show me that they are growing up.