Holy Moly its been a long time!! I haven't blogged since October! I am starting this post in the hopes that something will come to me and the words will just flow ... without a real plan ... here goes nothin'.
Last year most of my posts were about one thing. It needed to be said, I needed to talk about it, and I think some others even needed to hear it. I kept posting and posting and the words came so easily, they were truth and they were reality and so it wasn't difficult to just spew it all out.
Looking back though I think I kept on writing genuinely hoping for a certain outcome. When that journey took a turn for the worse I stopped writing. That outcome that I was silently hoping for was seeming further and further away and I realized that I could possibly be blogging about it forever. Something that I knew could happen, but I had lost sight of. Funny how some reminders are gentle, and some not so much.
Soon after realizing that, I changed. For some this was a good change, and for others it was very unlike me. I don't think I really admitted it to myself until one particular day. It was business as usual in our house ... I was trying to do everything and doing my best to not ask for help with any of it, put a big family dinner together, get Karleigh to swimming, host company and try to solve all the problems in the world (ok, maybe just in our family)
I had 2 girlfriends over (2 of the best friends I could ever ask for and whom I value more than they could ever know) and in the midst of trying to keep it all emotionally together I don't know how many times I stopped, completely forgetting what I was doing, got distracted by an email or a phone call that I desperately wanted to ignore but just couldnt. I can't even remember if I eventually broke down and cried during that visit but I remember clearly that I wanted to.
At one point I think I just looked around, not knowing how to proceed and realized, my life (for that day) was unmanageable. Funny, you spend months, YEARS even, trying to show someone else that their life is unmanageable and in turn you see that in dealing with their life, yours has become the same. *not by the same reasons, but unmanageable in its own way*
That afternoon the 2 sweetest friends joined me in the kitchen, helped me to finish putting dinner together, helped love my kids while Mama was having a silent meltdown and even washed my hair in the kitchen sink just so that I could look semi-put together when everyone arrived. Not all friends would do this, or even recognize that you need it, but if you are blessed enough to have one (or more) make sure you let them know how appreciated they are. I hope I did after that day.
Ok, if I wasn't crying that day ... I am now! I guess I've found the reason for the post.
To some of you this may not apply. You might be reading this and thinking, "my life is WAY worse than that every single day" and you might be right. Some of you may understand, if you've read previous posts and have an idea what was going on in my head at that time in my life ... and some of you may not understand for a long time but will one day stumble upon this and find that you are in the same place. I didn't think I would ever be there, and you may not either.
Let me just say that this didn't last long and to most I am sure they just thought I was being a bitch. Sorry, some words are just appropriate at certain times. I didn't return messages as quickly as I normally do, I didn't make as many plans as I like to. I was burnt out (which came across as grumpy) I knew that my marriage needed more attention, and that my 3 kids at home needed more attention and that I had given everything I had (and I wasn't the only one who did this ... ) to someone else and to their own problems and in return I created my own.
There comes a time when you have to admit that you have done all that you can, even if you didn't get the outcome that you wanted. You have to learn to give it away, I gave it to God, you can give it to whoever you like ... but it has to be given away. I know that not one person can do everything, but a part of me still thought I could, if I tried hard enough and for long enough.
I am thankful that my "rut" didn't last long at all, I doubt my little kids even noticed actually. I noticed though, and I am forever thankful that these 2 friends were there when I did.
Its easy to hide behind Facebook statuses and text messages, but sometimes we need someone to see us in true form to throw us into reality. I'm thankful that I have friends who can see me that way, and even though they don't think its nearly as bad as I do, it gives you the nudge that you need.
I gave it away, and never looked back (well, not for more than a glance) its just not my battle, and the way that it was all dealt with, it is well with my soul.
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