Dear Time ... where did you go?

I've been sitting here for a good 15 minutes trying to start this post.
Trying to figure out how to tell you that when people say "they grow up so fast" they are full of crap.

Fast doesn't cut it.

This week I took Karleigh to Kindergarten. I walked through the front doors, and turned the corner expecting to see a ton of parents all doing the same thing. For whatever reason (and we WERE on time for the record) I had Keegan on my left hip and Karleigh holding my right hand and we turned that corner and it was just us. All the way to her classroom. I looked down at her and told her " oh no! Im gonna cry!" and she looked up at me and said "you're crazy mom"

I remember when I found out that I was pregnant. 21 and filled with excitement and OH MY GOODNESS! (probably not the word that I was thinking at that moment)

I remember one night rushing to the hospital, afraid that we were losing our baby and having an emergency ultrasound. The nurse said to me "you're ok, and baby is ok. In fact, that little blip on the screen ... thats the heartbeat"

I remember hearing that what I was SURE was a boy ... was a girl. I bought the cutest tiniest pink outfit that day.

From those days, to the first time I held her, to her first steps, first words and first tantrum. Time didn't go "fast" ... I can't even tell you WHERE it went.

I went back to work after my maternity leave was up, and soon after returned home to be a full time Mommy. I knew that I was blessed to be able to do that, but I didn't realize HOW blessed until now.

Now when someone else gets to spend 6 hours a day with her that I don't. Now when she waves goodbye to me in the morning and I head home to spend the day with only Keegan. I've never had ONLY him and it reminds me constantly of the days when I had only Karleigh.

I am happy with the way we spent our time the last 4.5 years. I am content with the things that I taught her. I will wish I did more, that's just who I am. I will wonder if I did enough and hope that she is a good and kind person to her friends at school. I will hope that everyone is nice to her because she is so sensitive (much like her Mama who is sobbing right now) though I know that hurts are inevitable even in her little life.

So no, I won't tell you that they grow up fast. I will just tell you this, love them, love them, and love them. At the end of the day, you will both be better off knowing that you adored them as much as you possibly could.

                                                                     First Birthday :)

First day of School

why does judgement come so natural?

I've been trying to post something for a while now, but couldn't think of the right topic. What did I have to say that would mean anything to anyone? I came up with nothing ... until tonight.

I was at the post office and the most pleasant lady was helping me. In a nutshell I had to PAY to pick up a package that had been returned to me. A package that I already paid to send in the first place. If I chose NOT to pay to retrieve this parcel, Canada Post would kindly keep it, store it for X number of days and then I'm sure someone would end up opening it up, keeping the magazine, twizzlers and gum and without a second thought, toss out the card celebrating 60 days of sobriety and the pictures of this anonymous persons little brother and sister ... weird.

I paid to receive the package ... again ... so that I can give it to Logan myself when I see her, for free ... anyway! The lady was sweet enough to give me another pre paid envelope for next time which I thought was a nice gesture. You see I briefly told her, when she asked me if I'd rather refuse the package, that this was for my daughter. No, while I didn't really feel like I paying for it again, I still wanted her to have it. Somewhere in there I said "it's special, theres photos and a card celebrating her 60 days, she's in treatment" she said to me "what is she in treatment for, if you don't mind me asking" ... I didn't mind, and so I answered with no problem "drugs, addiction."

She put her head down and said "oh" in a way that seemed as though I had just stuck her with an infected needle.

At that moment, I assumed that she was judging me, and in return, I was judging her also. Do I know for a fact that she was judging me? Absolutely not. So why is it our natural reaction to assume so? If someone told me that they were sending a package to someone in rehab I certainly wouldn't think any less of them ... BUT,  I know better. I am that person. I do send packages to someone there. Perhaps if all of this had not happened I would be just like her. I wouldn't know how to react, I might put my head down too.

I guess this is all to say that you don't know where someone has been, or where they are headed. I have no idea what made her uncomfortable about my comment, was it because she has no idea what it's like, or was it because she knows EXACTLY what it's like? She has no idea how I, the young lady on the other side of the counter who is 27 but looks 19 has ended up with a 20 year old step daughter ... or maybe she does know, maybe I'm just assuming. It's so easy to think that we have all the answers. It's so easy to assume that our opinions are correct. It's not so easy when God slaps you in the face with the realization that you just might be wrong though. When he reminds you that YOU are not the one with all the answers.

I must have needed that reminder today. Maybe I live my life worrying so much that I am the one being judged that I don't even notice that I am unknowingly doing it to others at the same time.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

6 weeks later

I'm supposed to be packing. Painting my toes. Getting some sleep. Tomorrow morning I leave for Maui with my best friend to celebrate our 3rd Wedding Anniversary.

But I can't do that until I celebrate something else first.

On May 27th I posted this ... http://aprilmartinsblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-wish-wonder-and-am-thankful-but-it.html

If someone had told me then what the next few weeks would hold I would have never believed them, I suppose there are some things that we need to learn on our own.

On June 13th, 2.5 weeks after posting that, she started treatment.

One week later I took her little sister to visit her ... it started off a little rocky, but ended up being so wonderful.

2 weeks later we took her brother down, she had asked for him and THAT was a huge step. She needed to pay attention to him again for a change and he so very much deserved to see her doing so well, after the years of what we have all seen instead. Later that same day we surprised her with a visit from her dad, an image that will not soon leave my memory and something that, as I was told, was SO amazing and important for her recovery. She needed to know that he was there, and that he loves her ... and she is now certain of that.

2 more weeks, another visit and an incredible conversation (photos from this visit below) I told her about this blog, that I shared details, that anyone who reads it is very likely aware of who I am speaking about. I told her that I will print these off for her to see, to see how it has effected our family also and what it is like on this side, in my mind at least. She was completely ok with that and actually looks forward to reading these posts. She held my hand through the parking lot and into the store as if that was the way it was supposed to be, chatting away and happy ... something we haven't seen her be for years.

This post is very "point form" and maybe a little drab, but if you knew how much emotion is within these lines it would mean so much more. To anyone who has a loved one with an addiction, you will understand. To anyone who has a loved one with an addiction you can read this and know that it IS possible, just as I read other blogs over the last 4 years and couldn't let myself be that hopeful.

I know that not everyone is as fortunate as we are in these situations, and my heart absolutely breaks for those families ... I also know that just because we are on the right path right now, doesn't mean that we will always be on it. I have to remember that fact ... as hard as it is to accept.

6 weeks ago was a day that I never thought I would have to deal with. Never thought I would see at all much less WANT to see.

6 weeks ago a very beautiful soul had a very powerful nudge and made an extremely important decision. She has a long road ahead, as do we as her family ... but wow, we are actually ON that road now!

Now I can go pack, paint my toes, whatever. Most importantly though - we can go away tomorrow, leave the country, and know that all 4 kids are safe ... thats a first, and a very welcomed one.

3 Years Later ...

3 Years ago my Daddy walked his Little Girl down an aisle and agreed to "share" me with the new man in my life. We spoke these words to each other and they are more true now than I could have ever imagined ...

On this day and in the presence of God I give to you this sacred  
promise. I promise to be myself with you, to share all of my  
sentiments, dreams, goals, fears, hopes and worries. 

I promise to want  the best for you, to wish for your success and to hope for the  

fulfillment of all your endeavours. I promise to be honest with you and  

pledge my loyalty and faithfulness to you. To cherish your friendship,  
adore your personality, respect your values and love you for who you  
are. I promise to believe in our relationship and to stand by it  
through the toughest of times. To have faith in our strength as a  
couple and to never give up on us, and I promise to spend the rest of  
my life with you as your best friend.

Happy 3rd Anniversary Lane, I love you with all of my heart and with all that I have.

my life ... in 7 days.

This is what it looks like starting one week ago

Wednesday night - rather than keep this evening free I decide to squeeze in a Family/Newborn session in my studio. Adorably sweet ... but the packing for the road trip the next day is not going to get itself done. It will have to wait too because one of my besties is here from the Island and we NEED to visit ... until midnight.

Thursday Morning - Wake up and remember that I was supposed to get some work done the night before and did not. Wake up extra early to put in an hour in my office before the kids wake up, except Keegan wakes up anyway! Get little kids ready, this WOULD be the one day that Karleigh sleeps in. Take them over to Grammas house. As Im walking out the door Karleigh says "Mama you packed my ballet bag right?" ... wrong. Ok, let me go get gas, run back to the house and I will drop it off on our way out of town. Go home, grab the bag, add a few extra diapers for Keegan incase who KNOWS what might happen on our trip that would keep us away for any extra time and we are on our way!
Thursday Afternoon - drive drive drive, drop Lane off at the dealership to pick up my new car (can I just say I LOVE it!!) and Tristan and I head in another direction to go and see Logan. She knows that we are coming, but does not know that Lane is. We pick up dinner for ... a lot of people, and head over! Its amazing, its encouraging, it almost doesnt seem real. We listen to her tell us about the things that she is working through, processing, its beyond words! Lane shows up and holy goodness ... the photo below will describe this moment better than I ever could. We take her out for a while and return her safe and sound and begin our trip back home. Drive ... drive, and drive some more.

Friday morning - arrive home at 1am. Sleep for a few hours and pick up the littles by 8 so that I can get them ready (again) and get KL ready for dance camp and there by 10. Drop her off, come home and meet a great friend at my house for some baby shower planning! Talk, talk, talk ... til 11:45 and then I leave to get Karleigh.
Friday afternoon ... get Tristan to work, laugh at the idea of even cooking dinner and to be very honest I can't even tell you what we ate that night ... hmmmm, nope, no idea.
Friday night ... April Martin you have a workshop to teach ... TOMORROW!! Head out to get supplies (notebooks and yummy treats, it is all women after all!) and fit in a quick coffee with my mother in law to give her the update on Logan, which I am VERY happy to give since its such positive news. Come home, grab my folder for my workshop and attempt to review before bed, spill glass of wine all over papers and decide that its just time to go to bed. I've done this workshop before, I'm good at it ... nothing to worry about :)

Saturday - workshop 10-2 ... and why not throw a Family Session in at 3pm just for good measure right? Come home, have wonderful friends over for a bbq and I think I might have even relaxed this night ... but thats debatable.

Sunday - THIS morning I definitely relaxed ... I think. Photographed a beautiful Wedding in the afternoon, arrived late to a little friends birthday party due to work and LEFT early due to my crazy 2 year old who thought it was ok to throw a fit the size of my new truck and me? I thought otherwise. I dragged him out of there, left Lane to bring Karleigh home and as soon as we got in the car all I heard the whole way home was ... "Hi Mum. I love you Mum. Hi Mum." aaaaaggggghhhhhhhh!

Monday - Keegan Reid gymnastics Day 1. Oh Lord. I'm not sure what I was thinking. He loved it, however did not listen. This was ok, he had fun, nobody got hurt and by 9:45 I was pretty much ready for a nap, although I don't remember the last time I actually had one of those. Pick up snack for the kids and head up to Gramma B's house so that I can drop them off and go check out Wedding Venues with another Bestie. I feel like my day is going well, and then my sweet stepson calls. Can I pick him up, yes but it will need to be soon since Keegan needs to nap and if he falls asleep in the car I will miss my window. Can you take me to another friends house? Fine, but again ... what I said before. Can we stop at home so I can brush my teeth? Are you kidding me?? BAH! Fine ... yes ... but why is the concept of bringing your overnight things to a SLEEP-OVER such a tough thing to grasp?? At this point, leaving the Wedding site, smoke coming out of my ears ... I am SO thankful that Lane offers to do the picking up, brush teeth and re-drop off duties. Why? Oh yes, that baby shower? Its tonight!! Eek!! Pick up kids, get home, Keegan naps (do you hear the angels singing???) and I prepare for the evenings event :) Good food, cute babies, great friends ... it all went perfectly! Monday night ... me ... sleep.

Tuesday - Keegan Reid gymnastis day 2. He's not so excited about it today. Its a car themed day and everytime he hears someone say car he runs to me and says "ok??" because he wants to go home. We leave the class about 10 minutes early at his request. At this point why not have a play date right?? So I have 2 girlfriends and 4 additional kids over :) So crazy but so fun and I love my friends too much, even when we have a bunch of crazies running around us I am so thankful that I have them. By about 12:30 its very evident that all of these kids needs naps or at least quiet times so things quiet down, company disperses and eventually its just me. Who am I kidding, its never JUST me ... but maybe I was in the bathroom or something, in there its just me, well, sometimes. I take a breath, and realize that I need to leave in an hour to get Tristan to work. Drop him off, come home, make dinner, Logan calls. YAY! First day that she's been able to phone and its so good to hear her voice. Get a quick update from her, all is well, say our "love you's" and that's that. 2 minutes later, the facility calls with another update, still all good but just filling me in. Meanwhile I see Keegan streaking through the hallway and down the stairs, apparently he is out of his bath. Finish up on the phone, get some clothes on my little nudist and then head off for a late birthday celebration because my life got in the way of her REAL birthday. (you're welcome for the best Veggie Burger in town xo) Get home with time to visit with my husband for a bit, and instead realize that its been a long week (a long month if I'm being really honest) and we are just not on the same page at that moment, so I head to bed. Loving him, him loving me ... but not in chatty moods. Meh ... what am I gonna do.

Weds Morning - gymnastics = SUCCESS!! yay! He has fun, and again I feel like I have my whole day planned out properly. Then another text, seems that the kid that I THOUGHT was at home, is not. Drop Karleigh off at a friends house because its not her fault that she's part of a crazy family, take Keegan home, wait for house cleaners to arrive (its not as glamorous as it sounds ... get over it) do a walk through with them and then pack Keeg up again to start the next part of our day. Starbucks ... thank GOD for Starbucks! Take Keegan to the park in a half attempt to be a good mom for 15 minutes before our next chore. Sit down, watch him on the slide and remember that today is Logans 30th day :) Call florist (keep one eye on Keegan) order a delivery for her (still watching him) give her all the info including all the siblings names and spelling. Hang up and realize its time to go get Tristan now. Convince Keegan that it will be really fun and that we're going to see "T" ... he decides to believe me and we are off! Pick up Trist, take him to work, pick up Karleigh, go home, put Keegan down for a nap, realize that Karleigh is getting a nasty cold, send her for a nap also and then .... nothing. ahhhhhhhhh.
Keegan wakes up, we play in the yard, go in the pool, he snuggles me on the blanket on the grass and I don't even care that he's getting red popsicle all over me ... at that moment, life is perfect. Fast forward, make dinner, head off to another shoot in the studio, get gas and almost choke at how much it costs to fill this new beast! pick up Tristan from work and come home. Sneak into Karleighs room to give her some medicine, sit for a minute ... hear Keegan, get him out of my closet??? I know ... and get him back to bed.

That brings me to now ... many times this week I have thought about making my facebook status read something like "If you are not my child or my husband ... don't ask me for anything" but then there were times when I thought "even if you are my child or my husband, don't ask me for anything" and then my heart started to work again and I realized that I love people, even though my dads saying of "I hate everybody" has really made a lot of sense to me this week. I'm tired, as I told Tristan today. Not "sick" and tired, just literally tired from life right now. I know some people have it worse, or more busy, and that's fine. It won't make me feel better for someone to tell me that their life is busier ... sometimes my life, my husband and my 4 (3 at home) kids are enough busy for me ... enough so that its tiring, whether I love it or not.

I'd love to tell you that this post has a point but it doesnt ... I don't think. Its just another look into my life. If you're still reading, there must be a reason.

Enjoy these photos ... I love these people. Before there were the littles in our lives it was these 3 that I fell in love with first.

it's all worth it

I'm driving my 15 year old (when did he GET that old!) to a friends house the other night and we are talking about his older sister. I'm telling him how great she is doing, that she is so willing to get better, no matter what that looks like and so excited about God and how he will work with her through all of this. As the conversation continues I become very aware of the reality that is taking place. Yes, things are going very well right now. Yes, things that we NEVER thought possible are happening at this very moment and it is nothing short of a miracle, or at least this is how it feels for our family and others who have been down this road I am sure. However, I have to be real with myself and know that just as quickly as this happened, it could change back. I have to remind myself that this is a long road and the hard part is not necessarily over ... not yet.
I tried to explain to Tristan that it's sort of like when your toddler drives you crazy all day long (and he lives with my 2 year old so he gets this analogy) but at night they are so sweet and angelic that it makes up for anything that happened that day.
When someone you love is in a dark place and then decides to accept help, when you can see them turning back into the person that they once were ... it almost makes up for the 4 and a half years of pain. Pain that was felt through the whole family, moms, dads, siblings, everyone and none more than the person themselves.

As a good parent thats all we want, thats all we can hope for - that one day they will see what we see so clearly.

There will be bad days, no doubt. Knowing though, that when there is a bad day, or maybe a terrible day, that she is surrounded by support and people who care, that makes it all worth it.

As a parent when you have to accept the fact that YOU can't help your child, that stings like nothing else. When you've admitted to yourself that holding their hand through this won't cut it this time, you are then eternally grateful for the Angels that come along and CAN help. People who have made this their life, who love your family almost as much as you do. It's hard to believe that these people truly exist but I assure you they do, and THEY make it all worth it.

I don't share these stories for any other reason than this ...

Throughout the last 4 years I have come across other brave parents, family members, even friends who have walked this road. They were not afraid or embarrassed to tell their stories and in doing so they helped me more than I could ever express. If by sharing MY families stories I can help or encourage even one person ... all of the hard days, all of the "why don't you keep that private?" ... it will all be worth it.

all in his time ...

I discovered a blog about 6 weeks ago called Mom vs Heroin.

I stumbled upon the very first entry somehow and read this story that sounded SO much like our own daughters journey. I then jumped right to the most recent post which started off "my Daughter is a strong woman" and I immediately started to cry. This Mom explained how well her Daughter was now doing and on the road to recovery. I was so happy for this stranger and yet so jealous of her at the same time, thinking inside to myself that after the last 4 years I might never get to say those words and hardly even believing that some people DO get that chance.

After reading this Moms Blog I could not stop thinking about it - the ages were almost exactly the same, the stories, the sadness, everything. I kept dreaming about a day where maybe I could be the one to write "my daughter is a strong woman" and then a few phone calls would come from her, the blood pressure rising again and that dream would slowly start to fade away.

There is a point where enough is enough. If you are lucky enough (and not everyone is) someone will hear your cries when you are at this point. If you let him, God will move things SO quickly for you so that you can be safe. He will walk someone through a locked door and hold it open when your help is on the other side trying to get in. He will make room in a safe place for you even though just hours before it was apparently "full". He will bring love to your doorstep rather than anger because he knows that THAT didn't work last time. He will find a safe place for someone that you care about too if thats what it takes because he can do that. He will whisper to you that it's ok, and that YOU can do this.

I really wondered if the day would ever come. Today though, I can tell you ... our Daughter is a strong woman. *our, all of us, she claims us all as her parents and I will gladly accept that*

Will she be ok tomorrow? I don't know that. I do know however, that she has been ok for the past 4 days and THAT is nothing short of a miracle.

On Monday she was so brave, she took a step toward a new life and she did it all with God and with her own strength and courage.

Like anything else this story does and will continue to have its ups and downs, and thats ok. The only thing that matters is that she is safe. It doesn't matter who was there, it just matters that they WERE. It doesn't matter who was NOT there, if that was meant to be then it would have been. There are rules that need to be followed and wishes that need to be respected and that is ok, it has to be for now. I am filled with gratitude that I was able to witness it even though some parts were incredibly hard to see, but I didn't do anything ... she did it all and nothing was harder than the choice that she made that day.

It was a perfect example of everything working in HIS time, not ours. A very real reminder that the best laid plans go awry.